Originally Posted: 2005-02-01 6:47pm
Rant: Using "Confessions" to Brag
It seems to me the intention of "Confessions" is to bare those parts of your soul that best kept far from the light of day. These are secrets that should remain in the damp root cellar of your shame only to be sponged off and shared on an infrequent basis with the anonymous denizens of Craig‘s List.
Instead, I read some of these things and they’re not confessions at all but a list of some dudes "accomplishments" that is a thinly disguised ploy for some pussy.
As a service to Craig's List, I have compiled a sample list of such braggadocio. If your list sounds even remotely like this we would all be better served if you moved it to M4W where it belongs.
1. I have a big cock. I mean REALLY big. It’s about 13” long and 8” in diameter. Chicks tell me it looks like a throbbing St. Ides bottle with veins and a head. Its so big that most women I fuck (and there have been hundreds) immediately lose consciousness when I penetrate them. After I’ve fucked their asses they are usually rendered mute for periods up 20 minutes. Hit me up if you want to "check it out" you fucking whores.
2. I once fucked 20 women in 8 minutes. They all came after they regained consciousness and I gave them each a facial. I didn't shoot one blank. Now they all say I’m the best they ever had and they all stalk me. Fucking bitches.
3. One time in a bar fight I hit a guy so hard I knocked his head clear off. Yup, that’s right, I decapitated him with my right hook. The whole bar applauded me because he was an knob and they helped me clean up the mess afterwards. Oh yeah, they all bought me drinks that night and I fucked the waitress in my yacht afterwards. Aye, she was a bonny tramp, she was.
4. I shoot huge loads. So huge that I’ve blown several women off my erupting cock when they are riding me “cowgirl” style. They told me it is like squatting on a hot geyser of love. If you lousy gutter sluts want to spend a little time on "Old Faithful" drop me a line.
5. I was bored one night while in college back in the 80’s so I melted down some cocaine and re-constituted it using an alkaline solvent. The next night I unveiled my creation at a frat party and the rest, as they say, is history. That‘s right, I am the inventor of crack.
6. I make a shit load of money doing nothing. So much so that when I reach into my pockets to grab the keys to my Ferrari I usually end up scattering hundo’s all over the floor. You can find my office (on the top floor of a very tonè Wacker Dr. high-rise) by following the trail of hundo’s from the elevator. Please knock before entering my office or you might catch my secretary (Miss Tennessee 2002) blowing me.
You get the idea