Originally Posted: 2005-01-17 11:49am

Hideous Desk for Gorgeous Woman

Just now, I find myself encumbered by a superfluity of desks but rather light in the date department. As such, I will willingly trade a rather horrid computer desk for a date with an extraordinarily beautiful woman.

I originally purchased the desk on CraigsList for $45. Though it has stood me in good stead for a year and a half, I probably overpaid given its singular unattractiveness.

The desk has a light-coloured finish that the manufacturers (god bless their little tasteless hearts) probably called “pine”. Since the coated particle board bears about as much resemblance to wood as a Twinkie does to pastry, bottle blonde probably serves a better descriptor. The desk does possess a smoothly functioning keyboard tray, but lacks any useful drawers or compartments. It has a hutch-like piece with three overhead cubbies suitably proportioned for flat document boxes and a difficult-to-open cupboard of bizarrely useless dimensions.

On the other hand, it doesn’t wobble. In fact, it would probably survive significant trauma. It certainly wouldn’t burn, though if one applied considerable heat to it, then it might well melt while spewing forth toxic fumes. So if you think that you might need to chop up your furniture for fuel any time soon (not entirely unlikely, I think, given the current temperatures), I’d move along to the next posting.

The desk would fit in very well with any flat decorated chiefly in the early-dorm style.

As for me, I can safely say that I look substantially better than the desk. Most people would even say handsome, albeit in a scruffy sort of way. I further differ from the desk in lacking a keyboard tray. Instead, I’ve got all the usual moving bits which I keep in good order with frequent visits to the gym. I’m taller than the desk… 6’ 2” to its 48” (including the hutch).

My conversational abilities also exceed those of the desk. While I can and will talk about any topic with interest and enthusiasm, the desk remains decidedly mute when addressed concerning its views. I expect that this has to with its being a desk, but it might eventually speak out if provided with the proper encouragement. I cannot say that I know for sure. It never laughs either, whereas I delight in laughing…

Mostly at myself.

While the desk sits there, simply reveling in its desk-ness, I tend to stay busy. In addition to my job running a small start-up, I teach at a post-graduate design school, and direct plays. In my spare time, I indulge in socialising with a variety of friends over drinks and food and reading while recovering from my indulgences.

Do write me a note should you decide that you desperately need an ugly desk as well as a date with someone of my sort. ‘Spose I’ll consider requests for dates from people uninterested in the desk, though I hate to think of throwing the thing in the rubbish. If you feel like sending a photo, then I’ll reply with one in return.

Of me, I mean. A photo of the desk wouldn’t do its ugliness justice. Just imagine that it looks even worse than whatever you’ve imagined.

Verification word: "heart"
I say... rather auspicious.

this is in or around Printers' Row

post id: 55974659

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