Lincoln Park Man Posts Internet Ad for Unrealistically Hot Woman
The brief ad--mostly a loose collection of crude sexual suggestions lacking basic punctuation or grammar--included several of his interests, hobbies and a brief physical description peppered with words like “intense,” “rockin,” and “extreme.” Also mentioned was his Webster-street condo, his day-trading job, his X-Box, his plasma-screen television and his recent purchase of a new Toyota Landcruiser SUV, though it's not apparent why.
To describe his apparent enjoyment of recreational activities, he explained, “I love hanging out at the cool Lincoln Park bars and getting totally wasted. But of course, I am also totally cool just staying home with a hot babe and movie and getting it on.”
As with most Chicago-based personals, "Cubs games" were given an obligatory mention as "a cool thing to do." Though with baseball season long over, it seemed unnecessary.
In seeking his ideal physical partner, he voiced his appreciation for women who are "smokin' hotties," and who possess “kick-ass legs and a shakin' booty.”
In a particularly heartfelt passage he explained, “To get with this long-lasting LP stud, a chick has got to be a total fox, and love sex on my California king. Trixies are best and they should have small, tight asses and pouty BJ lips. As for your headlights, I like 'em turned up high!”
He wasn’t specific about a potential date’s hobbies or interests, but explained that "she should like to do it hot and nasty all night long, and then be up for BW3's for wings and beers” He added, "It would help if you're into doing other hot trixie with me there."
Despite writing his headline in all capital letters, reading “WHO WANT’S TO GET NASTY WITH THIS BIG STUD” the only responses to date have been from gay and bisexual men, inquiring as to his willingness to receive oral and anal sex.
The lack of responses, however, have not deterred the eager Lincoln Park resident. Instead of letting his personal ad fade into the dozens of other unrealistic dating proposals, he plans to repost the ad several times a day for several weeks until “those bitches come knocking on my door ready to stuff my entire 7 inches and take a jizz bath.”
He is also considering crafting separate ads for Match.com and Yahoo! Personals.
this is in or around Chicago