RANT: Why I Hate Port a Potties
Yesterday, I was at the worksite and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I went into our port-a-potty and sat down to poo. For anyone who has used port-a-potties a lot, you know that one of the terrible side effects, aside from the general grossness of port a potties, is the feeling of blue chemically laced pee/poo sludge water from previous users splashing back in/on your butt as you drop one from about three feet up.
To deal with this, I have come up with a variety of techniques, including my favorite, placing a little toilet paper raft into the poo hole to catch your poo and drop it gently into the vat of shit, however this isn't always possible when the shit vat has not yet changed phase from liquid --> solid sludge. I also try to shape my poo into longer logs in order to lessen the drop and reduce impact upon point of contact with liquid.
So there I was, trying to wiggle my butt into a long log of poop, when it broke off in the middle and *splash*, there goes the most vile filth splashing everywhere on my ass. It is times like this recently when I pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things when I am trying to do good things for the world and be a good person.
I reach over to the toilet paper roll to wipe off this nastiness as best as I can, and as I do so, pause, sigh, and ask God why he does these things as I notice that there is no toilet paper in the port a potty.
After weighing my options for a few seconds, I realize I'm just going to have to zip up and deal. As I'm pulling up my pants, feeling this gross sludge drip down my leg, and having an existentialist moment questioning life, I walk ten feet over to our government van to see if there is any sort of paper product I can use to wipe up without my coworkers noticing.
I spend about five minutes looking around, and the most absorbent thing I have found up to this point is a bunch of crayola crayon wrappers, which I am seriously considering stripping off the crayons and using. However, a few moments later I spot out of the corner of my eye a cottonny-looking thing. It is a maxi pad.
"No, I can't do this," I think to myself. "This is beyond ridiculous." But ridiculous times cause for ridiculous deeds, and I think What Would MacGuyver Do as I grab the pad and go back to the port a potty. After wiping myself off, I look at this blue water stained, poo stained, pee stained maxi pad and think, "What on earth am I going to do with this thing?" I think back to high school chemistry class and buoyancy vs. density. Will this maxi pad float above the shit-water and mock me, being visible to everyone else who uses the port a potty for the rest of the week? Or will it sink mercifully to the bottom, hiding all evidence of my grossness? It is a tough and thoughtful decision, but eventually I guess that the pad will sink, and boy am I happy when I am right!
This temporary joy is fleeting, though, as I realize how pathetic I have become at being happy that my shit-stained maxi pad is sinking to my cheers and fist-pumping adulation - that is why I HATE port a potties.
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