You have been invited to compete to win the prestigious title of my "Ex-boyfriend". Rules for entry are simple:
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1. Must be a first-time applicant. You are not eligible to compete if you have previously entered the contest regardless of the outcome. If you have previously won my "Ex-boyfriend" contest, give me back my Nirvana CD you psycho!
2. Applicants must be in his 30's and have a full head of hair. Medical regeneration of hair is acceptable. Toupees and/or wigs will be snatched off of your head and trod upon in mud and dog feces along with your dignity.
3. Applicants must have a job. McJobs are allowable if you are a suffering artist, musician, writer, or the next dalai lama waiting to be discovered.
4. Criminal background due to white-collar crime is not an automatic disqualifier.
5. Psychological background including but not limited to schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, panic attacks, dementia, attention deficit, hypochondria, oedipus complex, and unresolved childhood issues are automatic disqualifiers.
As the next winner of my "Ex-boyfriend" contest, I will accompany you to unlimited number of breakfasts, lunches and/or dinners and amuse you with interesting lore. You will also be entitled to have beer, wine, cocktails at various bars and drive both of our drunkasses home. As a winner, you will be able to freely rent any movies with my Netflix account as long as you watch it with me. Final perk of the coveted title is the bragging rights you'll earn of dating a cute asian girl. Yes, for those of you that are non-asians, dating me will make you look hip, avant-garde, stylish, and a bit rebel-ish without really pissing off your friends and family.
The contest is open only for a limited time and rules and regulations may change anytime at my sole discretion. Friends and families of previous "Ex-boyfriend" winners are not eligible to enter the contest.
this is in or around Chicago