Originally Posted: 2004-09-01 9:40am
I've Got Your Freakin Ferret--And I'm Abusing It
That's right, I've got your ferret. I found it last night at two AM at Damen and Warner. We actually almost ran over it. I wanted you to know that I am a horrible parent, and I've wasted no time getting to work raising your ferret in the worst possible way. It's friendly and loving and came when I called it on the street, which probably turned out to be one of the worst mistakes of its stinky little life, because I'm making a real mess of it. Some of my current parenting atrocities include:
--Feeding it McDonalds and calling it "that little candy ass" when it couldn't eat a whole McChicken.
--Making it listen to Rush, even though can't seem to bear anything but Tull.
--Telling it that three different men since I picked it up are its "New Daddy"
--Letting my friend name it "Sweetie Bear", which I'm sure you'll agree is a totally fucking retarded name for a ferret.
--Keeping it in a cat carrier during the day because I don't have a cage for it (because it didn't tell me it was going to run out in front of my car at two o'clock in the morning; if it had, I would have arranged for something more comfortable.)
--Letting it stay up all night watching violent television
--Failing to intervene when it wanted to use its allowance money to buy cigarettes
--Telling it that the reason it was out and about at 2 in the morning is because you didn't love it enough, and then telling it to quit being such a pussy when it cried.
--Missing its big soccer game and blowing off its parent-teacher conference in the same week.
--Telling it (at the dinner table) to go back to France with all the other pinko fags when it told me it opposed the war.
--Allowing it to take me on a Jenny Jones episode entitled "My Wild and Crazy Teen Ferret Has a Secret For Me" without insisting on intensive therapy.
As you can see, I'm clearly an unfit mother to this ferret. You should contact me as soon as possible with your missing ferret's sex, color, distinctive markings, and time of day you're going to come and get this freakin thing off my hands. Otherwise, I'll just keep renting it out to perverts to pay for my crack habit. You should really come and rescue it.
Oh, and also, you can rescue this ferret even if it isn't yours. Just contact me and be ready to show me the nice cage you've got for it, and a good-sized bag of ferret food, and three (not one, not two, three.) different ferret toys (like a jingle ball and a leash and a treat ball, or something like that) that you've specifically purchased for this ferret that I am currently abusing. That way, I don't have to charge an adoption fee, but I can still see that you're prepared to give this ferret a good home. I'm not, and you can see how much I'm ruining a perfectly good ferret. And there will be an interview, so that I can make sure you're not about to test hair gel or boric acid or something on it.
This isn't a picture of the ferret, it's just a random picture of a ferret that I pulled from the internet, but look how cute they are. God, they're freakin adorable. Don't you want a ferret? Of course you do. You can even pat it and love it and call it George, if that's what makes you happy. Just please, please get this goddamn ferret out of my house. I'll take it to the ferret rescue place if I have to, but places like that are always overloaded and underfunded and I would like to try and get a loving home for it first before putting that burden on them. I may be a negligent absent mother and part-time crack whore to boot, but I do have SOME decency.
this is in or around Chicago