MC with about half my coworkers.
I know you're skinny and your eyes are too far apart, and every time I make a joke you have no idea what I'm talking about and hang out for like five minutes trying to figure it out, and then go "Oh, that's funny." because you're the most literal person I've ever met. I think I'd probably have a better shot at making you laugh if I made a joke about ancient japanese artists, or maybe made an obscure Ezra Pound reference. I'm pretty sure you're not traditionally handsome, but I thought you might like to know that I'm trying to sleep with you. I know I've never given any indication that I even notice you any more than anyone else, but that's because I'm being VERY uncharacteristically careful not to embarrass myself by accidentally throwing myself at you. But yes, I am trying to sleep with you. If you seem to remember me behaving at all strangely toward you, it's because I'm trying really, really hard to implant myself into your jerkoff fantasies. It will never occur to you in a million years, but it is true. When you come back from walking outside and you've got sweat on your temples and forehead, I would chew my leg off at the ankle to touch it. So in conclusion, Guy #1, please start suspecting that I'm trying to sleep with you. I would probably say "and please take me in the employee bathroom and bruise my elbows on the wall", but I'm scared of being the instigator of like fifty sexual harrassment suits by guys who think I'm talking to them who then go and assault their receptionists who don't even know they're alive. But just know that the first time I get a clear signal from you that you think I'm attractive, I'm going to send a downright slutty one back.
Dear Guy #2,
I know you're middle aged and a little on the paunchy side and not what your mother would call handsome, but I thought you should know that I'm trying to sleep with you too. In fact, I am probably making more of an effort to sleep with you than with guy #1, because I know that it's at least crossed your mind, and I'm pretty sure I would have to draw #1 a picture. You're horribly mean to me in the break room, and you're always making fun of me for jamming my thumb on the can opener or spilling coffee on myself. By the way, I didn't actually jam my thumb on the can opener, I banged it a little, but I knew if I went "Ow!" and shook it, you'd come back and make fun of me because I'm actually really smart and just do stupid things. Don't be disheartened though, that time I blew up my soup in the microwave and that time thought you cleaned the coffee machine but it turned out I was just crazy? Those were real. But I want you to know, you can make me flustered and embarrassed and say mean things to me and basically burn my pig tails and punch my arm all you want, and as long as you take those half second pauses and stand there with that "American Beauty" look on your face looking at my legs, I'll always come back for more because Christ, when you're abusing me and shrinking my ego, you're so fucking smart about it. I've never seen anyone with a wit that fast, and the bitter thing is hot too. I don't even care if it's real or not.
You're very sweet and I like you very much, almost without exception, but I'm really actually not trying to sleep with you at all. In fact, it's not even very difficult to try NOT to sleep with you.
Anyway, if Guy#1 and Guy #2 could please get together and establish some sort of schedule to fuck me raw, I would really appreciate that.
If you think you might BE guy #1 or guy #2 and you want to be really juvenile about this (I don't mind), please walk by my desk, stick your tongue out at me, and thumb your nose. I'll twist up my face and put the L for Loser sign on my forehead. See, we could be naked by 5:30 tonight if you do it right.
this is in or around Chicago