Originally Posted: 2004-04-13 9:26am
A CL guide to paying your tuition without ever having a "real" job
Dear Craig Lister's,
Recently, I've come up with some very intuitive and genius ideas for paying my university tuition and, at the same time, affording myself the luxury of living in a kick-ass apartment and buying lavish items like multiple computers, name-brand clothing, and even semi-annual vacations. I thought I would pass on my genius to the rest of you. Call it karma. Or something.
1) BABY SELLING:
Requirements: woman, under age 35, and in good health. Ability to reproduce an asset, but not necessary.
It's called being a Surrogate and people are willing to pay you $30,000 (check it, yo. THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLAZ!) to have a baby and give it to them. Typically, these are older, rich couples and the woman's now incapable of having a child herself. You can either use your own egg or someone else's.
-Health insurance paid for a year
-Lots of gifts during the pregnancy
-Did I mention the THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLAZ?!
-Could cause emotional distress and fuck up your GPA because you sold your child
-Excessive weight gain if you have a tendency to pork out
-Undesirable for dating
2) SELLING YOUR EGGS:
Requirements: woman, under 30, and in good health. Helpful to have good genes and good educational background.
Egg donation takes about 3 months of time and involves injecting needles into you to stimulate your ovaries to produce an abundance of eggs. You then have a minor surgical procedure to extract these eggs.
Compensation: $10,000 to $15,000.
-Possibility of travel to nice locale, stay in a cool hotel and get a daily per diem of $100. Took a vacation to LA last year, got paid $10k, a rental car, luxury suite, a dozen roses to the egg buyers, and $100 a day to go shopping. Hell yeah.
-Egg donation could possibly result in terminal ovarian cancer and either the inability to reproduce in the future or death
-The drugs make you gain weight
3) DRUG DEALER:
Requirements: Personable, clean cut and youthful, reliable, and easy to get in touch with. A car is a perk. Must have pager and be available at odd hours.
If you know where to work, students can make a working living by selling drugs. The difficult part may be in finding a dealer who will sell to you at a fair price and may take some work. Once established, the possibilities are endless. Fun trips to small college towns are a must where you can crash parties and distribute pills for $20 a pop. Visits to high school shindigs will be lucrative, especially if you are a good looking dude or gal and know how to chat it up.
-Enough money to cover your rent and books
-Possible new friends and social networks
-May pick up drug habit that prohibits you from completing your degree
-May blow all of your money on drugs
-May get arrested and kicked out of school
4) SMALL TIME CROOK:
Requirements: a quick mind, intelligent, look good in black clothing, tight body to fit into small spaces.
I'm not talking about bank busts and gansta shit, but some simple B&E's, gas station robberies, and the like. My personal favorite and one which I incurred the most success is as follows:
Go to the dorms at your local college. It's nice to make some connections with the peeps at these schools. Bring a bag of laundry with you and an empty sack. An accomplice is not required, but very helpful on these missions, as is a cellular phone or walky-talky. While one person keeps watch, the other goes into the laundry room and ransacks the machines, taking out all clothing. Re-sell expensive clothing on eBay and keep the ones that fit for yourself.
-Save money and never shop again!
-Make enough money on eBay to pay books, entertainment, and food (yes, I have found D&G, Prada, and lots of A&F -- it adds up)
-Possible notoriety (one time I was in the school paper, listed as the "laundry bandit", but never caught. Mwhahahaha).
-You might get caught
5) USED UNDERGARMENT SELLER:
Requirements: attractive or at least able to produce fake images to give to random internet users, e-mail access, and a collection of underwear.
You might be interested to know that there are a large number of men who enjoy purchasing used underwear from anonymous people on the internet. As a woman, I have mailed my stained panties to several men for $20-30 a pop. As a woman, I have also pretended to be a man and wiped my cervical mucus into tube socks and boxer shorts for even more money (the men seem to pay more for guy cum and underwear - go figure). There are some men who get so into it that they pay for fingernails, pubic hair, and other gems for $20 bills flying in so quickly that you can't keep track. All correspondence through e-mail and postal service.
-You'll either have to have a lot of sex with yourself or with others to supply the never-ending demand. Either way, you'll relieve a lot of stress from all that studying
-Enough cash to keep you afloat for as long as you're willing to wipe your girl and boy cum into underwear
-Fun stories to tell people when you're drunk at night
-Possibility of encountering a weirdo stalker, but if you're careful, that won't happen.
Please share this helpful list with everyone you care about. I have managed to complete two university degrees and am currently in Medical School. I have never had a "real" job because I would rather concentrate on my studies. I'm living large (both in terms of my lifestyle and the fact that I've gained a few pounds from selling my babies - ah fuck) and I'm 100% debt free. Life is good! Peace!