In fact, we're not merry at all. This is for all people who have cleaning services, not just merry maids customers.
If you have a cleaning service, a housekeeper, or are thinking about employing one, there are a couple things I would looove to point out to you. Let's call them tips from the expert, shall we?
1. MAIDS, NOT MIRACLE WORKERS - If your brat of screaming bastard child spills grape juice on your white counters and your lazy ass lets it sit there for a WEEK, don't bitch at me when your counters have a wonderful purple hue to them even after I scrub it. If you haven't dusted your shelves or scrubbed your tubs in the five fucking years you've lived in your shit hole, IT'S NOT GOING TO SPARKLE AFTER ONE CLEANING, SORRY. It's called UPKEEP, people. In the wonderful time between your cleanings, take a vacuum to the carpets, dust a lil something, if you miss the toilet WIPE IT UP. Otherwise, don't expect me to pull out my magic maid wand and turn your place from a pumpkin to a carriage.
2. YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT NOT, BETTER THAN ME - You know how I know this? Because we snoop. We snoop through everything you fucking own. I know about the kinky sex toys you have under your bed, the naked pictures you have of yourself in the desk drawer and I've heard the bill collectors leave messages on your answering machine. I clean houses because it's putting me through college, not because I love finding used condoms under your sofa cushions. (Which, by the way, I fucking adore little presents like that. It's almost as if you left them there just for me; like little love letters slipped into my locker in high school. le sigh.) One day, I'll be a computer programmer and I wont have to pick up after you. Until then, don't talk to me like I'm a fuck ass idiot slave.
3. TIP, TIP, TIP - I understand that you have to shell out 200 bucks a cleaning. I agree, it is a ridiculous price. Guess how little of that $200 I actually see? VERY FUCKING LITTLE. You tip the mailman, your waitress, the guy who put in that hideous carpet, and you even throw a couple bucks at the homeless guy downtown but you don't tip the maid who cleans the piss off of your toilets? For shame. Also, houses that tip get cleaned better. Oh, is that a surprise to you? It's called incentive, ass hat.
4. "MERRY" IS A CORPORATE BULLSHIT TERM - Please, don't ask me to smile like a "merry maid", little old lady. You're nice, really you are, and you're one of the better customers. I love the cookies you leave for us. It's better than a shitty two dollar tip. But I didn't put the merry in merry maids, and I'm not especially excited about cleaning your house so please, please, please don't give me shit about being merry. I'm always nice; I ask all my customers how it's going and tell them that their shit head kid gets cuter by the day. Isn't that enough???
If this post makes even one person tip their maid, it was worth it.
If this post makes even one person cancel service, it was definitely worth it.
:)
Location: your dirty house
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests