best of craigslist > chicago > RANT: ALIENS, M&Ms & KARMA
Originally Posted: 2004-02-24 9:44am

RANT: ALIENS, M&Ms & KARMA

Yesterday, I thought my time had finally arrived. The certainty and initial terror was overwhelming and while my vision is still impaired, my hindsight is crystal clear. It allows me to feel grateful and certainly puts the life I have here on Earth in perspective.

You see, I believe in alien abduction. Furthermore, I happen to know I’m destined to be abducted myself. Ever since I was a child and first saw Close Encounters of the Third Kind, I knew that I was definitely a ‘thrid kind’ candidate.

I know there are others like me. People who posses this innate sense of specialness. Like me, they are simply passing time while they wait their turn.

I’m not sure how or why I feel such certainty, but I do. I used to try to explain this feeling to other people, but it never went over well. At first they always thought I was joking and then later, after I would keep talking about it and they realized I was serious, they tended to change the subject or avoid eye contact all together.

For example, Danny at work – I made the mistake of telling him. He won’t let it go. Every time we work together he knocks on my head to see if it’s really me. He knocks too hard for joking and says, “Earth to Carl, are you still with us Carl?”

That fucker. He’s constantly giving me shit. Asking what aliens would want with a “dumpy, retard” like me? Retard??? He’s the one who can’t even shelve movies properly! He’s a thief too, I’ve seen him pretend to ring up movies and then pocket the cash. I’ve been keeping track of it all, biding my time.

So now, I only share in chat rooms with those of like mind. My whole experience today has made me realize what a lonely burden our specialness is. I’m hoping through this anonymous forum to reach out to those who share the burden. I want them to know there are others like them, who understand what they are going through.

Not like Danny, that fucker.

He says the only ‘burden’ I have is going through life smelling the way I do. I tried to explain that smells have nothing to do with anything to which he replied ‘that’s not true – aliens want a big, juicy ass for probing.’ Then he pretends to be all serious and says, ‘I understand why they’ve targeted you, it all makes sense now.’

Ha, ha – very funny. Too bad the jokes on him. His car keys, sunglasses and a few other choice personal items have found their way between these ‘big, juicy’ ass cheeks. Take that fucker!

I like to imagine that once I was abducted, afterwards, I would be able to read thoughts or control minds. You know, be left with some sort of special ability or gift. I’d come into Blockbuster, Danny would strut over to knock on my head and I’d stop him with mental telepathy. Then I’d make him start pounding himself in the balls repeatedly. That image, of him decimating his own testicles in a crowded store has gotten me through many a day working with him.

But this isn’t about Danny, that fucker.

Like I was saying, in hindsight everything makes sense – but when I woke up yesterday morning blind and unable to move my mind got the better of me.

It all started Sunday after work around 3pm. I had just pulled Danny’s asthma inhaler out from between my ass cheeks while he stepped out for a cigarette brake. Probably why the dumbass has asthma to begin with. He almost caught me as he had forgotten his lighter, which had just been between my ass cheeks earlier that day, and had to come back to the office for it.

I was leaving in a great mood having taken the liberty of checking out the first five seasons of the X Files and was going to pull and all nighter. Something I had been meaning to do for a long time. On the way home I stopped by CostCo and bought a 52oz bag of peanut M&Ms, a pack of frozen pizzas, a case of Mountain Dew, Red Bull, a 750ml bottle of Players Extreme Lemon Infused Vodka and a few other treats to sustain me through the ensuing marathon.

I finished my first pizza and half the M&M’s midway through the second season. Stand out episodes here include the Season 2 premiere Little Green Men and Humbug where Mulder and Scully investigate a chain of bizarre murders at a freak side show (always a favorite episode of mine); but some of the best episodes in the entire series are found here with Duane Barry and Ascension where the truth about alien life is brought to the forefront and Scully herself is abducted!!! She is seriously so hot, it drives me crazy.

I figured it was a great time to crack open the Players Extreme vodka. Big mistake.

I had over half the bottle and three Red Bulls finished towards the end of the third season. I hardly remember the Anasazi, The Blessing Way, or Paper Clip episodes I was so fucked. I was so piss drunk I didn’t have the sense to stop drinking. I couldn’t stop rubbing my eyes which were burning with exhaustion and incessant television exposure.

It was at that point that I had the distinct feeling I was no longer alone. Something was in the room with me. I distinctly recall skeletal forms darting quickly about me. I tried to more clearly identify them but my head was reeling and the light from the television made it hard to focus.

I reached for the switch on my floor lamp and instantly felt a firm grip around my wrist. I was pulled back into my barcalounger. I tried to stand but the room was spinning. I couldn’t walk, someone or something was restraining my legs. I tried to scream but it was like my mouth was filled with oatmeal.

That was the last thing I remember.

When I woke up I was blind.

It was as though my eyes had been glued shut. I tried to feel them but my entire body was encased in some foul smelling membrane. I started to panic. I could feel little nub like creatures, moving beneath me and pushing against my skin like insects. My head was pounding and I started to cry.

I was begining to realize that alien abduction was not everything I dreamt it would be. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but certainly being encased in a foul smelling membrane and having my eyes glued shut wasn’t part of the experience!

I guess part of me believed the aliens would be kinda sweet and sexy like the Kaminoans from Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Sure, there might be some anal probing but honestly it didn’t sound all that bad. I’ve read that a man’s ‘G-Spot’ is actually located in his anus.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse an alarm sounded and freaked me into a whole new frenzy. I figured they knew I was awake and I started to struggle like a man on fire. I was flopping all over the place when I fell to the floor and broke free of the membrane, but I still couldn’t open my eyes.

I reached up and felt them. They were hard and crusty like they had been ripped out of my skull and scabbed over!? It was about this time that I realized the ‘alarm’ sounded an awful lot like my alarm clock. I stood up and fell back to the floor realizing my pants were down around my ankles and my shoes were still on.

I crawled my way to the bathroom, feeling my way to the sink. The bathroom smelled like hell. I turned on the warm water and began to flush out my eyes. After ten minutes of flushing I was able to open them slightly.

I looked like crap! My eyes were swollen red, sticky and leaking puss everywhere. I looked around the bathroom and found puke and M&Ms everywhere. It looked like someone had turned on a puke and M&M sprinkler and left it on all night! I managed to kick off my shoes and pull off my pants. I noticed, my hands and dick were a rainbow of colors, presumably from the dye on the M&Ms?

I don’t recall, but my adoration for Agent Skully must have gotten the better of me. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

I headed back towards my bedroom. I saw the ‘membrane’ wasn’t really a membrane at all, but my own sweat, puke and piss soaked sheets. My mattress was stained the same colors as my hands and dick as I saw the remaining M&Ms had emptied here. I turned off the alarm. It was nearly noon.

I called my family physician and found out that I have conjunctivitis, better known as pink eye. The conjunctiva is the thin, clear membrane over the white part of the eye; it also lines the eyelids. Mine had been turned into a petri dish. Apparently, conjunctivitis may be triggered by a virus, bacteria, an allergic reaction (to dust, pollen, smoke, fumes or chemicals) or, in my case – most likely sticking Danny’s personal belongings between my ass and not washing my hands.

I’ll tell you what - I just don’t get karma?




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