Originally Posted: 2004-01-26 1:41pm

TV Realities.

Sick of Paris. Jenna Jameson is 10x hotter and does anal on-screen. What the fuck does Paris Hilton do?

In place of the 15 times a day she's on TV, I'd really much rather see a guy who went to his kids baseball game, and how the game turned out. Or a mom and dad who worked all day, came home, made dinner and ate with their kids, helped them with their homework then watched a movie and fell asleep together. More interesting, more real, and maybe, just maybe, healthier for the viewer. Real life heroes, baby. Beats talentless tele-hoochies every time. If I wanted to see supermodels eat bugs, I'd.....well, I just don't want to see that.

I'm pretty sure most tv junkies will watch anything. They say "I want to see total idiots fight with each other about nothing in a house they chose to live in". OK. Fine. Just realize, you didn't say that before some dipshit put it on tv, it wasn't some need in your demographic, you're just watching whatever mindless crap they hurl at you, because, and they know this, you won't get up no matter what happens. You'll turn the channel. So, I look forward to the following new programs:

1. My Little Skinny Prison Bitch: features large, muscular inarticulate convicted rapist whose new cellmate is in for possession. Topics range from tossed salads, hemorroids and how "spit works fine in a pinch".

2. Keepin' It Real: 5 black guys and 5 white guys live together in a house and participate in mind-numbing, cacauphonous discussions about "the race thing" without any reference to anyone but Dr. King and David Duke. There is no reading, no writing, lots of beer and television. Fights abound. Peacemakers are born. Lots of old, discredited ideas are bandied about as "revelations about my racial identity".

3. Big and Small: 10 women, 5 morbidly obese, 5 anorexic (billed as "thinny hotties") live together in a house in Milwaukee. Conversation is only interrupted by bouts of crying, lots of cake eating (rice and double chocolate)and is generally without coherent topic. Themes that emerge from the monotony: pros and cons of barfing, where to get good lipo, and my inner beauty vs. your fat-girl personality.

4. French Fried Life: 8 "typical Americans" are shipped off to live in Paris where they are baffled by everything from french language to french custom. No one learns the language, no one reads, has any sense of their own history, let alone French history, and all of them exhibit a mindless chauvanism that keeps the laughs coming. Lack of Cable and televised sports cripples morale, and one man is sent home early for going on a drunken tirade in a cafe about how "these people stink to high hell".

5. Your Big Fat Ass: do-it-yourself show with camcorder. Allows people to watch themselves on the couch watching TV, as they watch TV. Read that back. OK - highlights are - the pound of chips per-day you wolf down, the slow but certain sinking of your eyes back into your head, and the continual widening of your ass and the gap between your confidence of your knowledge of the world around you and your actual knowledge of same.

Oh yeah, and Paris Hilton hosts 1-4. 5 is, well, you'll figure it out during the second season.

post id: 23164172

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