An open letter to God
I realize that we've had up until this point more of a seen but not heard relationship. However I need to ask you a huge favor. I think this is doable since I've never asked you for anything before. (I think you'll agree that the time I begged you to tell me that me and Katie didn't hook up didn't count because I was drunk.) Anyway, if it's not too much trouble could you do me a favor and let the Cubs win the series? I've been a faithful Cubs fan for the 26 years I've been alive. I cried in 84, I even shed a tear in 89. I remember the feel good summer of 98, but lets face it they never had a chance that year. So I'm hoping that maybe you an I could work a little something out this year. I've been led to understand that my grandfather attempted to make a similar deal with you in 1945, and while he appreciates your cooperation in the matter he didn't get a chance to catch the series because he was busy attending to that little situation in Europe with those pesky Germans.
So if you could do this little favor for me I'm prepared to make some consessions. In exchange for your help in this matter I will do the following:
1. I will go to Church more than twice a year.
2. I will cease all of my wanton sexual activities for a period of at least 3 months. (The day the Cubs win the series does not count)
3. I will send my college loan payments in when they are due and stop writing nasty notes on the checks when I send them in.
4. I will be more understanding of my roommates inability to pay his half of the rent on time.
5. I will no longer hook up with said roommates little sister.
6. I will answer my mothers phone calls at 9am on Sunday mornings when I am severely hung over.
These are the things that I am prepared to do if you can assure the Cubs a World Series win this year God. I thank you for your time and look forward to doing business with you.