Originally Posted: 2003-08-27 1:50am
Shizzle in da whizzle in da hiz-ZOUS! OW!
I think the personal ads can be summed up in two words: evil magnet donkey honkers. We're all really looking for the same thing, on the inside. Dairy Queen Chocolate Utopia. That's all there really is to living, along with the search for God and the meaning of life.
Some things you should know about yourself: I am considered very small by elephants and very large by ants. My hair is sort of blackish silverish blondish reddish brown and my skin is sort of purplish yellowish bluish pink. My toenails are vanilla. I'm mainly pink and red on the inside but I don't have any proof of that. My body is 70% water but I don't really have any proof of that either, and anyway I find that sort of hard to believe since I barely ever drink water.
It has been said that my hair looks like the falling rain and my eyes like two pools of spun gold. It is very cold in Antarctica most of the time but here in my apartment I like to make a lot of Lipton Noodle Soup.
I'm a pillow case! I'm a billy club! I'm a lunchroom spork! I am a raisonette!
One bit of advice for you: staple a ballistic missile, bring back fifties era home decor, live inside of an orange peel. Just don't get married to a cello.
I have never seen a blue whale, the largest mammal on the planet.
My two favorite things on earth are grey and black. I really like oxygen. Sometimes when I'm asleep I have a dream that I'm brushing my teeth and then right when it gets to the part where I spit, I either almost spit or actually spit all over my pillow. Usually I wake up in time to stop myself. I have never spit all over another human being in my sleep. Only when awake.
I'm being eaten by a boa constrictor.
Things I like to do include Italy and wind chimes. My ears were very, very easy to make. Have you ever gone to Jewel at three-thirty and tried to buy a single item, or picked up a kid at the front doors of her school right when school lets out? I don't recommend either. Oh and I don't bite to kill, only to stun.
Today some little kid shot me with a Super Soaker and then yelled "Why don't you smile? It will last longer!" He wasn't from these parts. I think something got lost in the translation. I am currently looking for an interpreter as this sort of thing happens to me often.
I learned yesterday on an old episode of Card Sharks that 88 out of 100 people surveyed refer to themselves as their pet's "mom" or "dad." This makes me want to study international relations. A lot.
My favorite color is warm.
Are you warm?
Somebody please save me. The world can be boring, mean, and ugly, but those are things I've never been accused of. Except maybe mean for that time in seventh grade when I made Arlene Jeanette Ryan cry because she sucked at cheerleading. I seriously still feel really bad about that.
P.S. I think that I invented those dogs with the squishy wrinkly faces but I could be wrong.
One last thing. If you want to adhere to sub-standard fingernails, you're going to have to take a chance on a seahorse.