Looking for short, hostile idiot, a little long in the tooth
I want a guy who refers to himself as professional. No, he's not a doctor or a lawyer though, silly; don't be close-minded. The guy who holds multiple degrees in something or other but whose email will be full of grammar and spelling mistakes he dismisses as typos, he's the one.
You're short and sensitive about it, ( or huge and intentionally intimidating ), and kinda funny looking, which in ad-speak is "very handsome".
You have a boring but lucrative career at a level of success that is indeed surprising. You brag about your income, not that you're going to use any of it to improve my life or anyone else's. It's just something you want me to know about because chicks dig that. Let's be clear though, it's best if I support myself, just in a lower tax bracket - unless of course I am going to share the wealth with you. Isn't that what that women's lib ( and dating ) is all about? 50/50? Everyone for themselves or the woman can pay now?
You shuffle paper and/or talk on the phone in your cube all day, possibly fucking with those lower than you on the corporate totem pole when you get bored. You call this working hard and being ambitious yet down to earth. The great thing is you want to tell me all about it at length, especially how your customers are so stupid. Or it's possible you have one of those mystery careers, like Consultant. Ooh. Yeah. Say that again. No, no - no elaboration necessary. That one word says it all.
Work is all for you so when you do squeeze a date into your busy, important schedule it's time to "play hard", meaning drink a lot, watch a movie and have quick-sex. The rest of the time you'll be running errands and doing laundry, maybe catching up on sleep. Fun, huh? Yup-a-doodle. You're not only fun but positive and confident as well. You're friends describe you as a catch.
When you're not reading and posting profiles and ads - or working out if you're that sort, but hey, it shouldn't matter to me even though let's face it, looks are important and you want my picture right away - you're in the bars ogling women you can't stand and ruminating on how you never meet any quality girls in bars. You realize now you're starting to get tired of bars. Maybe from now on, you'll watch sports on TV at home. Life's just not that much fun now that all your friends are married. Must be time for you to get married, too. Or, you might be hanging with mom and dad who think you're the cat's meow. Family is very important to you.
You're riddled with bad habits but can solve all my problems without even letting me finish my anecdotes about them. I want a guy who can quickly make me see how my life isn't really that important or complex after all. I always dreamed of dating a problem solver. I had pictures of famous problem solvers in my locker and you actually look like a lot of them. I don't want someone who actually helps or gets involved, ( that would be rescuing! ) but a guy who tells me exactly what to do and makes it sound both obvious and like any idiot could do it in no time. But, let's get back to you...
You're selfish and barely competent in bed yet have very high, possibly impossible, specific non-negotiable standards for the girl you're willing to date or screw. You're the kind of man who thinks putting on a condom is going out of his way for someone else and entitles him to demand I do something I'm totally uncomfortable with and that puts my health at risk in return. You like to brag about "getting" a lot of sex in the past and you tell me things I don't need to know about your sexual past and ( fantasy future ), but offend easily if I suggest an HIV test or ask if you've had any STDs.
If you are interested in anything cool or meaningful, I'd really rather not hear about it until much, much later. And I won't be participating in it or learning about it from you. Just keep that stuff to yourself for your alone time or to do with the guys. OK, I can stop what I'm doing and sit and watch you perform and then praise you, if you insist on taking my attention away from something more important I need to do for myself.
If we hit if off on our first few discreet dutch dates, you can just hang around in my life when you feel like it, contributing nothing practical or emotional and being absolute crap in bed, and you know, then have your space when you want it, too. Relax, this same standard won't apply to me. I'll be there for you. Then I'll go away. It's cool.
Oh, yeah, and huge bonus points for racists ( 'cause that's okay ) and those whose sense of humor consists of being vulgar and belittling others - especially poor, unemployed, and/or heavy people. Nothing says, "Hey, sexy, let's build a life together" like blatant immorality and lack of social adjustment. Empathy, schmempathy. Compassion's not the fashion at this Copa. Paradoxically, being a nice person would somehow make me bitchy and stupid and really difficult in your flat, emotionless eyes. You tell people who "think too much" to stop it all the time and it's a valuable public service you're providing.
Does this sound like you? Wanna discuss yourself over drinks? Write back soon and tell me all about your workout routine. I'm just sitting here wondering what it is.