To the Guys in the Dodge Caravan
No, really, I enjoy having my ass ridden, especially when I'm carefully coaxing my friend's brand-new truck to the grocery store. He was kind enough to let me borrow it.
Driver-guy, you were kind enough (I saw the contemplative, passionate look in your eyes as you loomed ever closer to my rear bumper) to indulge my passion for ass-riding, and ride my ass for at least half a mile in very heavy, stop-and-go traffic, in which I was constantly having to apply my brakes, and you were constantly having to near-swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid really ramming it up my rear. You knew I liked that, didn't you, taking it up the rear, especially by an inexpertly-piloted late-80s model Dodge Caravan with a sombrero hanging from the mirror. So thank you, Driver-guy.
And Passenger-guy, guy with the 20 oz. of Diet Pepsi hanging from your hand, which was hanging from the window, in light of the early summer's somnolent heat. Passenger-guy, guy with the white Nike sweatband encircling your fat head like a messenger angel's halo. Passenger-guy who, when Driver-guy finally had to ACTUALLY SWERVE INTO TRAFFIC to avoid giving it to me in the rear, and when Driver-guy covered up his mistake by zooming up on my left side and CUTTING ME OFF in the front, Passenger-guy who leaned out of the window and said: "You're a real ignorant bitch, you know that?"
And so I thank you, Passenger-guy. I reserve my most heartfelt thanks for you, and not Driver-guy. I did not know that I was a "real ignorant bitch." I have gone almost 24 years without knowing this. I thank you for providing me with this information, just as I thanked Driver-guy for trying so diligently to give it to me up the ass, since that was what I so obviously wanted. I thank you for telling me that I am a "real ignorant bitch," and every day since then, Passenger-guy, EVERY DAY SINCE THEN I have tried to live up to this, and will continue to do so, for the rest of my life.
Society thanks you, Guys in the Dodge Caravan. Society thanks you.
The Girl in the Honda Passport