Originally Posted: 2003-04-23 7:29am
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Cologne & Perfume Wearers
Your parents, legal guardians, or gym and health teachers should have explained this to you during puberty, but since so many obviously didn't, consider this a public service announcement. Please, read and learn:
To put on cologne or perfume you spray ONCE into the air in front of you IN YOUR OWN HOME, not at work, not in the lobby of your building, not outside, and then you QUICKLY walk through the spray.
If you put cologne on with your hands or fingertips, you should WASH YOUR HANDS afterwards.
A scent should be subtle, perhaps only detected by a lover who is interested in being very close to the backs of your ears and knees and the insides of your wrists.
I'd like to personally congratulate every dummy who is contributing to the massive cloud of bad cologne hanging over Chicago. We didn't have enough pollution problems from traffic and the steel mills. Your desperate, lemming-like need to be "cool" - by the standards of cologne advertisers, of course - has nauseated and triggered allergic reactions in the rest of your fellow citizens.
Yes, that's right: some people are allergic to cologne and perfume, even if it smells pretty. You don't have to see them gag, fall to the ground, and die in front you for them to be physically affected. But who cares if they can't breathe or swallow or get a rash or migraine after shaking your hand or having to sit next to you on the el as long as you get to pretend you're hot, right?
Frankly, people would be better off smelling cigarette smoke or BO than inhaling your half-bottle of cologne every day.
THIS ISN'T ANCIENT EGYPT: IF YOU WANT TO SMELL NICE, TAKE A BATH or a shower! Get in the water and use the soap. Use deodorant afterwards. When you start to smell again, repeat. Do not drown yourself in cologne instead. There is no substitute for good hygiene.
If you must wear cologne, you might want to smell it before you decide to put it on SPARINGLY, if you can smell anymore. Some of them stink. Despite what it says in the magazine, it actually does NOT smell good. Advertisers lie. If you put on a stinking cologne, that means you stink, too. No one likes a stinky co-worker or date or seatmate on the bus.
Stop wearing it to work. Stop wearing it to the gym. Stop wearing it at all and see your social and professional life improve.
If everyone gets tears in their eyes when they see you coming, it's probably not because you are just so dear.
Rule of thumb: No one should smell you coming or after you leave.