Dear Lady in the Bathroom
I wanted to reassure you that it's okay to go poo in the bathroom. That's what the bathroom is for. You don't have to wait for me to go into a stall, take off my pants, pee, wipe, pull up my pants, flush, open the door of the stall, wash my hands, check my hair, and then leave before you let that small ball of turd plop into your little porcelain basin. You see, when I walk into a bathroom, and I see someone's in a stall, I already assume that they are excreting something, whether it's #1 or #2. My goodness, it must be excruciating for you to sit there, knowing that you've got a good one turtling (you know, when your poo is kinda peering out to see if the coast is clear), when I or another woman has walked into the bathroom. I especially find it entertaining when you try to make some noise (wrestle with the TP, jingle your belt, or even flush early) to mask the plop sound or any pf or ppfs (poo farts or pre-poop farts)). I know you're doing #2, and what's more, your fake noises confirm that you are in fact in the middle of a #2. Just do it!
I'm trying to liberate you, honey -- go ahead, plop away! You don't have to hold it in! What if someone comes into the bathroom after me? Are you going to hold it in and try to constipate yourself until the coast is clear? Sometimes, it's just healthier to be human. Men don't play this waiting game, do they? I don't think they do -- they even openly take reading material into the bathroom. So go ahead, declare your independence, release your hold on your stinkstar and poo away!