Originally Posted: 2005-03-23 3:09pm
Dating Sucks. My suggestions to fuck with first dates.
1. Constantly hint that you are an alien, as in "Reminds me of Zorzootz 4... uh... I mean Venice."
2. (men) Tag on real sardonic "for a girl" to all your compliments, as in, "That skirt looks really nice on you... for a girl."
3. Greet date with gifts: a) a stack of wrestling magazines b) your dirty laundry c) black orchids--the flower of death d) a bag of marbles and a large grouper.
4. Refuse to veer conversation away from Jack-O.
5. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back sopping wet, offer no explanation.
6. Eat only the parsley at dinner, lament the wasteful excessive meat and potatoes garnish.
7. Fill pants with mulch, let a little fall out from time to time, whisper, "Oh no, it's happening again."
8. Upon meeting him/her, scrape finger across his/her shoulder, taste and say, "You'll do."
9. Wear a Members Only jacket, jams, and a Spuds MacKenzie hat. make references to '80's culture as if it were topical, e.g. "Have you seen that new 'Pretty in Pink' movie?"
10. Greet date with the classic "Give me five, up high, down low, you're too slow."
11. Repeatedly use the word "milkweed" as an adjective, as in "This has been really milkweed."
12. Boast about your ligament strength.
13. Give her fake but believable information like: a) Paul Newman has a clubfoot, b) Frank Lloyd Wright designed this restaurant, c) Baboons are the only other species that engages in oral sex.
14. Rub hands together and smile fiendishly as you talk.
15. Two words: male perm.
16. Four words: wear a name tag.
17. Put parmesan cheese in your coffee.
18. When reviewing check, use fingers, calculate with deadpan concentration.
19. Every time your date begins to speak, a) open up a book b) yawn c) vomit.
20. In an accusing tone, constantly compare your date unfavorably to Gollum, as in, "Gollum didn't smoke."
21. If he/she leaves for the bathroom, switch a) tables b) clothes c) hairstyle d) gender.
22. Attempt to do napkin origami. Fail. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself with "I suck"s and "I'm such a loser!"s.
23. When he/she orders, shake head and smirk. If they inquire what the problem is, just laugh an intensely sarcastic, "No, good choice. Really."
24. Speak all your statements with an interrogative inflection?
25. Respond at entirely inappropriate times with "Is that a threat or an invitation?" or "Do the math."
26. After successfully cutting meat, exclaim proudly, "I am the shit." Do that "raise the roof" gesture.
this is in or around hell