I have declared war on your penis.
I hate you. I hate your penis, too. I hate you both so much that if I knew which apartment you lived in on Comm Ave I would march right over there and tell you.
Back in October, she was driving us all insane because she hadn't had sex in months when I made the fatal suggestion: "why don't you just go on craigslist and put yourself out of your misery?"
And so she did, and as she sifted through the 75 responses her ad got in like 60 seconds flat, she came across a certain ivy league b-school grad who was not only a red sox fan (step one to having any kind of relationship with her) but had been to Thailand, which she thought was really cool.
How you managed to include your trip to Thailand in your response to a casual encounters posting I will never know, but, no matter.
Since then, your penis is like all she talks about. not only that, but I think she is actually falling for your undeserving ass, both of which blow my mind, because you can't even make her come!!!
She thinks about you all the time, and I know you don't because you never call her back, which makes her sad and pisses me off because you're robbing me of the girl who lights up my world with her positive attitude, her witty humour, and incredible grace.
For christ's sake, she's a beautiful, brilliant student who works as a part-time personal chef who impresses everyone I've introduced her to. She's hysterical. If I wasn't gay, I would probably be dating her. Obviously you are stupid (or just in the closet, hmm?) or you would at least pretend to date her.
Whenever she calls me to lament the fact that you're just not that into her, I say she should just stop hooking up with you, and she starts in on how she "just wants affection" and goes on about how you cuddle with her after sex and how you even "sort of mean it".
But I'm a man so know what you're doing and believe me I'm not afraid to let her in on your devious little plan. This cuddling thing is all a part of your big campaign to pressure her into a 3some, after which, if you get it, you will dump her on her ass for me to save.
Unfortunately, I have homework and work and job hunting to do, so I can't make time for the 1000 nights of Sex and the City marathons full of Ben and Jerry's that you are going to cause, no doubt. So to save the time and the tears and the silliness, I am staging an intervention.
When you found her I bet you were like wow, have I got it good. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's successful, she's half my age, and she thinks the sun rises and sets in my pants.
Well you didnt count on me, you piece of trash.
I have declared war on your penis. Me and my boyfriend have penned the best CL personals ad, ever, to get her a boyfriend. We have been overwhelmed with responses and bribes from the jillions of smart, successful guys who won't throw away this amazing girl. And next weekend, when we introduce her to 13 of them (yep, there were so many we couldn't narrow it down), you and your penis will be so incredibly out of the picture you won't even know what hit you.
over and OUT.
this is in or around Boston, at about Mass/Comm Ave, somewhere