Originally Posted: 2005-01-06 11:47am

Attention Fake Red Sox Fans: Your Guise is Completely Transparent

Hello Fake Red Sox Fans,

How are you? I just thought I'd drop a line, seeing as how we came back from a 3-0 deficit to beat the Yankees and continue on to win the World Series this past October. But shit, you probably already know that.

You probably already overheard that from work, used it as a conversation piece at your local bar, and went back to work to regurgutate what you talked about at the bar. If not, I'm sure you tuned in to watch the news that night Ortiz hit the moonshot into rightfield and Roberts stole second. I'm sure you know all about it. I'm sure you mention it every fucking time you see me because you know I'm a fan, even though you never have anything to say even when interesting things are happening, i.e. we just signed Wade Miller for next to nothing and Gabe Kapler is going to Japan.

Do me a favor, next time you want to discuss Schilling's big mouth and Johnny Damon's haircut, do it with a Cleveland Indians fan, because everyone who gives a fuck about the Sox already knows about this shit and talked about it last Spring when it was new and interesting. Even then we didn't rehash it every morning.

People can tell when you fake an interest in the Red Sox. It's painfully obvious. The thing that we didn't like about it is that we have a hard time understanding why you're doing it. I've seen people do it to make conversation, get laid, fit in, and stand out - none of it makes any sense. Why can't you just be yourself and not bother other fans by doing stupid shit? You're a jackass. You are a complete moron that has no appreciation for the game of baseball and anybody who does can smell you a mile away. here is how, you fuck head:

- You suddenly had a new sox cap in October that looks like it's been worn for 10 years. We're not dumb - we know that the real wool hats take seasons and seasons to look like that. We know that, like your abercrombie and fitch jeans, that hat is purposely faded and stained. It speaks volumes when you are no longer wearing it. You are a stupid shithead.

- You chant "yankees suck" at games, rallies, and other events. You are from New Jersey, go to BU, and watched "The Curse of the Bambino" on HBO. We know this. "Yankees suck" is a thing of the past, and died as soon as the t-shirts became a TV news item. It's an archaic phrase that connotes absolutely no meaning other than the fact that you've watched 3 regular-seasons games this year and are a tool. Jump off the Pru.

- You don't understand why anyone has a problem with Fox, specifically their coverage of the 2004 postseason. The next time I get a perturbed look of confusion at a bar when I berate the televised image of Tim McCarver I am going to accidently spill a beer on you and give your girlfriend creepy looks all night.

- You talk about the 'Curse'. It never existed. Dan Shaughnessy made a career out of it and it was never more than a money-making ploy.

- You never know what's going on with the team. Okay, this is NOT a big deal in ANY situation other than the situation in which you are trying to prove that you are more of a fan. You're not. Fans read about all the relevant news every morning and only discuss the ramifications of that news in the future, we don't share brilliant little tidbits like "did ya hear they're tradin' Nomar?". Yes, we heard. We heard that in 1999.

- You say shit like "Nomah". You fahkin kwehbeggah kwehbait, nobody fahkin seyz shit lik dat.

- After game 7 of the ALCS you walked out of your home and began burning and throwing shit. You are the complete bottom. There is nothing lower. Shitheads like you helped bring about a REAL tragedy this year. Thanks, shitheads! Nice to know that the morons at Northeastern are putting such a great face on Red Sox Nation. FYI, all the real fans were sleeping because they'd been up watching the 10 pm Anaheim games.

- You arrive at the yard after the first pitch, sober. Really, no excuse.

- You leave early. This is just weak, especially when you stand in front of me. Sit down.

- You talk about the Sox to make conversation, then surf the net or talk on the phone during the games.

- You really were upset when Nomar left. I know this is still a sensitive issue for some of you, but this guy didn't want to play here. I loved him too, but he lost me as a fan when he sat on the bench that night in Yankee Stadium when the entire team was either on the field or at the top step of the dugout. If you still bought his phoney nice guy act and thought he was nursing his achilles, you're delusional. He was trying to remain healthy in order to have a good postseason and cash in on a lucrative free agency. He was full of shit folks.

- You are Ben Affleck, Tom Hanks, or that little turd from SNL. Celebrities aren't sox fans, and if they were they wouldn't go to Fenway. And if they did, they'd never fucking sit in the front row with J-Lo or scream about the sox to promote their stupid Queen Latifah taxi movie. Jerk.

Go sox!


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