Originally Posted: 2004-12-11 8:38pm

Higher standards for Best Of Craig's!

I'm aware that you, my fellow Bostonians, are really only a very small part of this problem, what with Boston ads so rarely making the Best Of Craigslist, a fact I don't know if I should attribute to our being a grumpy Puritan town that hates joy and praise in all its manifestations (and so we nominate fewer posts), or if we are actually less funny than those catty queens in San Francisco and New York. Regardless, I think this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. Because the Best Of Craig's...hasn't been, lately, and we all need to take individual responsibility for this.

I know what you're saying. "Who the fuck does this bitch think she is, dictating what kind of posts we should flag for Best Of?" And the answer is, I am no kind of bitch at all--I am merely a concerned citizen, distressed at what must only be perceived as low standards in our beloved Craigslist community. Because, people, if this is the Best Of, then we aren't doing very well at all.

As an aid, I provide the following list of posts that need to stop being flagged for Best Of:

1) Gag Photo Posts
I'm not going to get into how these are often repeated, flagged every time, and thereby get into the Best Of Craig's three or four times, because that would mean I read the Best Ofs waaaaay too fucking often. I will simply say--People. I understand that you've never seen a dog with a human face grafted onto it before. I understand that it looks like the dog and the cat are fucking. I understand that the dust on the hood of the car makes it look like somebody was making sweet, sweet love on top of that Honda (though if you actually look at it for a second, it's clear she totally has her pants on. Plus, wouldn't they have moved around more?). But the fact is, gag photos are everywhere. Check out Worth1000.com--they produce hundreds of gag pictures a week! A week! Go there, look at the pictures, they will tickle your funny bone--yea verily, tickle it with might--but realize that gag photos are NOT THAT SPECIAL.

2) Posts That Use Pictures As Visual Aids
Oh, you know the ones I mean. Usually in the M4W or W4M section. It was clever ONCE. They tend to read something like "I live in [picture of the Boston skyline]. I like [picture of a martini glass], [picture of a book], and [picture of a couple of drunken whores making out on a dance floor]. I am looking for a man with [picture of a bicep], [picture of eyes with reading glasses to indicate intellectual endeavor], and [picture of the stubble-covered chin of Jude Law]. etc..." What, are we monkeys now? We need visual aids? No more automatic Best Ofs for people dicking off in Google image search.

3) Posts About Shit
I'm not saying don't post about shit. Because when you shit your pants on the subway, or at a business interview, or in the elevator, or at Thanksgiving dinner, well, I understand that you need to tell someone about that, and not someone who knows you personally, so we're the perfect forum. But please, stop flagging these for Best Of. Shit isn't that funny. I took a shit just today, and I didn't even get a chuckle.

4) Posts About Public Transportation
Unless somebody did something really weird, like brushed his teeth in a plastic baggy or something, or killed a chicken or whatever. Because those are things we want to hear about. But just "the T sucks, BART sucks, the bus system sucks, it took me an hour to get home and I stepped in pee"...like, dude, we know. And I understand that in flagging you're trying to be all "hear, hear" but seriously, we all live in cities with public transportation, we have all had these conversations with our friends, we know it's a bizarre, Faulkneresque experience. I'm also including in this category any posts about vague, generic road rage at That Bitch Who Cut Me Off This Morning. It happens every day. Post about it, vent, but don't flag. We know that bitch cut him off. Let it go.

5) Guides To Craigslist Dating
These are usually posted by women who don't understand how, out of a hundred responses, they didn't meet a single man who breathed through his nose and didn't paw conspicuously at his crotch. They are usually trying to outline the reasons they didn't respond to 96 of their 100 respondents in the hopes of edifying and improving the understanding of the male Craigslist population. Honey, they're never going to get it. The guys sending cock pics will never understand not to send cock picks. The guys mass-mailing the same response to every ad you've ever posted are not going to read your guide and actually comprehend that you can tell they're sending the same response to every ad. This doesn't work. You can tell it doesn't work because there are dozens, dozens of these guides in the archives of Best Of Craig's, going back for years, and they all say the same thing, and it hasn't worked yet.

Less frequently, these are posted by men, embittered by the Craigslist personals experience, their self-esteem punctured by having sent in witty, intelligent, good-hearted advertisements and gotten bupkiss in response. Just goes to show you that CL really is a microcosm of real life, doesn't it?

6) I Got Sooooo Wasted Last Night Posts
Unless you wound up in Jersey with two stewardesses, a garter around your neck, and a stop sign wedged between your ass cheeks, and you can remember the events leading up to this scenario in detail, it's just not that funny.

7) Something Happened To My Pubes Posts
I know, I know. Pubes are like shit. Instant hilarity. But unless they've started spinning themselves into messages a la Charlotte's Web, I think Best Of already archives every possible scenario involving them. Plucking, peeling, dying, tie dying, chemical burns, snipping, trimming into a topiary garden, cutting, lacerations of the genitals from misguided cutting attempts, creepy weirdos waiting outside the bathroom offering to buy your pubes for $500...we've heard it all.

8) Asshole Posts With Random Lists
Including this one.

Posts that are still up for flagging for Best Of Craig's, despite limited overuse:
1) Porn posts--porn is awesome.
2) Anything posted by a prostitute or a stripper--you know you want to hear that shit.
3) "I was a stupid fucker" posts--bonus points for injuring yourself or causing property damage in really ridiculous ways. The Froot Loops guy is my hero.
4) Stories of horrifying CL hookups and dates--we all love to have our worst fears confirmed.
5) Anything really legitimately funny, even if it violates any or all of the above rules, because seriously, what the fuck do I know?

Thanks for tuning in.

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