8 reasons I think I should get a raise that my boss doesn't agree with
1)Expertise: My job consists of mostly surfing the internet all day and occasionally quickly switching to a Photoshop document when my boss walks by. I am VERY good at these things, and have many years of experience. Therefore I feel I should be paid commensurate with my abilities to perform these tasks.
2)Endurance: I never leave before 4:30, unless I have a really pressing matter to attend to. And if you don’t consider the price difference between a matinee movie ticket and a full price evening ticket a pressing matter, than I don’t know what is.
3)Punctuality: Even when it would be completely understandable to come in late because I worked really late the night before (I’ve been at the office past 6pm on one or two occasions) and REGARDLESS of how hung over I am, I NEVER come in to work later than 11:30.
4)Community: When we hired a new Office Assistant, I was sure to spend a lot of time with this new member of our team, because I know a lot of really attractive women feel distanced and unable to fit in when joining a new work environment. I constantly stood at her desk, sat near her at lunch, and I was even willing to spend time after work helping her adjust to the new office and to the bar next to the new office, but it turns out she didn’t feel like she needed the help.
5)Focus: There are VERY FEW times I’ve slept for longer than 30 minutes on the job. Many days I don’t sleep at all! And I feel this really speaks wonders for my dedication, because when you work the long hours I do, it is sometimes only possible to sleep 10 or 11 hours in a night.
6)Standards: a lot of employees rush through their lunch “hour” and end up coming back to office stressed out an unable to fully concentrate on their work because they haven’t had a sufficient break. I never make this mistake, and only return to the office once I am sure I am fed, rested, and focused enough to give my work the attention it truly deserves. The fact that this is sometimes not until the next day should really say a lot about my dedication to upholding a high standard of workplace performance.
7)Concentration: I’ve noticed that many of my coworkers spend a lot of time writing emails, which often look something like this:
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and they go on and on like that! Can you imagine the time it would take to come up with that stuff?! Sure, I wish I could spend hours crafting long emails like that, writing funny sections with made up words and gibberish just for laughs, but instead I force myself to be short and concise, like this:
hey, it’s 12:35 and I just got in, can u believe it?! meeting larry for lunch in 20 mins, but want to meet up for a beer after that? I should be back at work by 3ish unless you want to catch a flick. –von
8)Honesty: I am not a suck up. A lot of guys on my team are always sucking up to our manager by constantly “showing off” the work they did that week at status meetings, and “answering questions” when he asks them. I would never sink that low, and I think it’s clear what any manager should reward when given the choice between that kind of sycophantism and someone who isn’t afraid to be honest and make fun of his lisp or his Mormonism.
Pretty impressive, right? In my opinion, we are talking promotion material, which is why I find it very surprising I can't even get a raise or a not fired!
this is in or around the office