Originally Posted: 2004-11-11 7:04pm

Screw you, Iced Soy Mocha Moron

I work in a espresso bar. By definition, we serve espresso-based drinks, as well as other coffees. We are not steeped in pretention. We serve basic drinks at reasonable prices without dicking around with names or sizes: a small drink is referred to as "small," a latté is simply a latté, etc.

Unfortunately, the popularity of fake coffee has skyrocketed due to asshole corporations like Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks. People want some disgusting crap. They are more than willing to order a mixture of some preservative-based powder, milk, and ice with some fancy-ass name like "Dunkalotta" or whatever they're called, and they develop a totally backwards superiority complex which makes them believe they have one iota of knowledge about coffee. Guess what? Those goopy, syrupy ice things at Starbucks are NOT COFFEE. They contain NO (or, at best, miniscule amounts of) COFFEE. They are not even COFFEE BASED. They are a hideous compound of cholesterol and hydrogenated oils flavored with some sort of laboratory creation. Therefore you have no right to lord your knowledge of fake preservative-injected iced abominations over me.

Which brings me to my point. While working, a bleached blonde (undoubtedly familiar with the function of chemicals, herself, judging from her hair color) and her hulking simian Frat Boy escort came to order what I wrongly presumed to be coffee. She asked for an iced mocha made with soymilk. For those of you unfamiliar with coffee drinks, a mocha is made with steamed milk, a shot or shots espresso, and chocolate (although some places use chocolate milk). It is not sweet. That is why "mocha" and "chocolate" are two separate words connotating two separate things. An iced mocha would be prepared with cold milk instead of steamed. The "iced" part sounds unappealing to some, but it's not uncommon to have iced coffee, so I thought nothing of it.

I went about preparing her drink. When I handed it to her, she sneered at me with her slavering maw. "I asked for an iced mocha," she said.

"Yes...?" I replied.

"Isn't this supposed to be, like, blended or something?"

"No," I told her. "It's a mocha. It's not blended."

"Well, I've gotten this before, and it was blended," she sniveled. "Can you put it in the blender?"

So, at her request, I blended her drink into a disgusting pulpy mess as she asked me to. I handed it back to her. "This has espresso in it," she bitched at me.

"Yes," I said yet again.

"Are you sure you didn't give me a machiatto?" she asked snidely, looking at our menu and obviously choosing the first word she saw in an attempt to chastise my plainly inferior coffee-making skills. Now, anyone familiar with coffee would be thrown into a rage at this bleached blonde piece of shit's ignorance because a machiatto is NOT ICED. A machiatto comes ONLY IN A SHOT. What I gave her is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A MACHIATTO. She is FUCKING DUMB.

All I could say was, "You asked for an iced mocha. I gave you an iced mocha."

She took a sip and made a face. So indignant, the little troll. It was not sweet enough for her. She threw it out.

Wherever you are: FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS COMING TO AN ESPRESSO BAR. YOU ARE NOT FIT FOR THINKING SOCIETY. Go back to your dank cave in the middle of Starbucks where you can drink your filthy iced mocharoonis or whatever they're called, those retarded, deformed second cousins of decent coffee. I hope all that fat and the barrage of chemicals causes you to develop horrible oozing acne and lumpy cellulite and an inoperable benign tumor in your gut. STAY OUT OF RESPECTABLE COFFEE SHOPS. That is all.

this is in or around a genuine barista

post id: 48679151

email to friend

best of [?]