Originally Posted: 2004-10-18 8:00pm
Punica Granatum Punicaceae.
Also known as YUMMY!
I love these things!
But that's not why I'm here.
See, my neighbor watches a lot of porn. I'm talking, A LOT of porn. "How do you know, you pervy bastard? Are you looking in his windows or something?"
Actually, yes. I am.
You see, I have no choice. He lives in the building next door, in the front apartment, and his windows are at street level. And he has no curtains. And a VERY large TV. I'm talking about 42 inches. This is not a good mix, for someone with such predilections for the…ahem, indelicate.
Every day I pass his place. Or rather, every night, when I come home. I pass by his windows on my way down the walkway to my place. And without fail, every night, there it is. Glowing out of the darkness in there. Lately it's been on the tame side. Girls Gone Wild, type of stuff. You know, bikinis, flashing, etc. Sometimes though, it's much worse. Hooooweee! Much worse! My man likes the anal.
Don't get me wrong, I like porn too. We all do, right? Right. Anyway, what gets me, is that I'm sure I'm not the only one that sees that shit going on in there. How about some perspective…
Picture a drive-in that only showed nasty anal porno movies. Got that image? Good. Now what if that drive-in was located on the sidewalk in front of your building? You getting my picture? Oh yeah, it’s just like that. After the sun goes down, and the lights dim in his living room, that TV is like the porny version of the Bat Signal.
I have no doubt the retirees in the building across the street have turned in their Bingo chips for a seat near the front window these days.
Now, my man moved in on Sept. 1. He set up shop in there, and the film festival began straight away. Today is Oct. 18, and he has yet to put up the curtains. Is he trying to tell us something? Is he trying to infect everyone in the neighborhood with his “ass-fever”? You should see the looks on the faces of the upwardly-mobile, priggish young ladies, as they stroll on by and catch a glimpse of their greatest fears. They usually drop their 7 dollar lattes and run for their lives. That part is priceless.
But I’m thinking of the old ladies. And the kids. They don’t need to see that shit. I was stuck in a 15 minute conversation with my upstairs neighbor yesterday while "You Gotta Know When to Bone 'Em" was playing in the darkness right behind her. Come on, my man, don't do this to me. Homeboy, if you love porno, that’s great. I’m with you. If you want to scream it from the rooftop, I’ll get the ladder, and help you up there. But for god’s sake, don’t do it this way. Don't drag us all into this. Just get some curtains. I’ll even help you hang ‘em if you need it.