A Farewell to Craig's List and a Thank You, Guys!
I’ve found a sublet on CL, only to find out that “my roomie” was illegally hiding Pakistanis from Canada in the third room, 5 at a time. No joke!
I’ve found a potential buyer for my motorcycle only to find out that he was the brother of the son-of-a-gun from Somerville that stole my first one! (I kid you not). HE was arrested on 15 counts of Cocaine and Drug paraphenalia possession and 16 high end bikes, like mine, on their way to the Dominican Republic(insert Godfather theme).
I’ve met potential roommates only to find out that 2 of the 3 admitted they couldn’t live with me because they were too attracted to me. Then wondered if I was interested in experimenting with women. Um…buh bye (“Not that there’s anything WRONG with that!” He he) The third hated cats. I lived alone, instead.
And for the men…I stopped at 10.
1.One was faboo until the second date and told me in a drunken stupor at a ball game that he wanted to have two kids with me as soon as possible since I was “the one” and he just “knew it”…um…buh bye.
2.Another was faboo but neglected to tell me that he was married. It was from receiving a threatening email from his psycho-chick –Jerry-Springer-wife that I found out.um…buh bye.
3.Another said he was 26, looked 26, but when the time came to get a drink he asked me if his fake ID would work. Um…Northeastern 19 years olds need not respond to 32-year-old postings. Well, here’s to you Mrs. Robinson…buh bye.
4.Another was really, really awesome until he told me he was a 34-year-old escort/body guard for strippers and did some himself on the side. Chippendale for me are chipmunks, k, there, Guido Sarducci!?! Buh, bye!
5.Another was sweet but too deep and Republic of Cambridge-ish. If he would only relax and talk of the Red Sox and not the Khmer Rouge or Darfur every time we talked…um…dude?...chill, have some sex, and look at Patriot stats NOT stats of number of children infected with HIV every ten seconds in Africa. I’m all for good causes but to place the weight of the world on YOUR Peace Corps-vegan -shoulders just ain’t healthy like your brown rice, y’no?…buh, bye! (with peace sign up).
6.Another was just PERFECT…but he had a girlfriend and his curiosity, based on my kick-ass posting got the best of him. Well, go back to your Meghan (with an “h” please) girlfriend with her Tiffany toggle necklace, fake Louis Vuitton from the Revere flea market and funky ring toned phone that she texts her friends ALL DAMN DAY. Yep, he misses me, thinks I am too cool for words and has called yet again…um…buh bye! I don't dabble in taken tokens. Not my schtick.
7.Another was just darling, but lacked direction (31 and just getting’ by on Ramen noodles and dreams) and the lacked the ability to call back within, let’s see, 6 days of the last date…bizarre fellow but a great heart. Um..too bad I had to say buh bye to this one.
8.Another, was married.
9.Another was married.
Um…do I have a sign on my head that says, “Date me, I’m a gulla-bull! A nin-COW poop!” (If you don’t know Bugs Bunny, move on….)
10.And the piece de la resistance….the 10th…liked him, I really did. I thought, hey, maybe this could be somethin’…a little metrosexual-esque but I went for his Banana Republic flat front pants and vintage Gucci loafers. We went to a formal fund raiser and had a blast UNTIL (queue soap opera music and “deer in headlights” eyes from an overly made up Latina on Univision) after his umpteenth glass of champagne, I find out that I was his 2 week “cover up” because in his profession he didn’t want to reveal he was gay. Well, Rogue Spear, this Covert Op was aborted after I decided to spill the beans on him like a scene from Pretty Woman when she said “I’m not trying to land him, I’m just using him for sex”…nope I said, “Oh no, I’m not his girlfriend. He’s gay. I’m actually here in exchange for a day of beauty at his boyfriend’s salon in Newton.” Alpha!! Alpha?!…TANGO DOWN! Buh freekin’BYE!
So, there it is. I’m sure I missed the great ones, like you, reading this. I’m sure I just was a day late and a dollar short. Seems to be the caption under my photo of life. Well, for now, I guess it’s time to take a break form all this “dating” stuff and concentrate on myself, gym, work, money, my awesome famiglia and friends and the whole “inner beauty” thang!
Thanks for listening. You really showed me that there are some great guys in this otherwise cold city of Boston. We all are a little wacky, sure, take your "didn't go well's" as one step closer to finding her, respect eveyone you date (as long as they respect you, of course). Like I said, we all have our wackiness, so embrace it and have a blast in this thang we call “in search of the one” No doubt; you are out there. No doubt in my mind.
All the best, guys. I really mean that.
this is in or around Boston and beyond