dude, we def did not connect, you def are not missed
me: that hot chick that you interviewed for the room at 8pm last night.
i walked up the steps to knock on your door and i think i saw you peering out the window. were you wanting to get a “pre-look” at me before opening up the door? you really think you can get a good vibe from someone just by one glance?
but i knocked. you opened the door immediately.........with a beer in hand for me. nice. a bit odd, a bit different, a bit warm. i don’t like warm beer. also, had it been a sam adams or long trail you would have scored points. the warm can of bud light should have sent off warning bells.
lets get one thing straight first before we go on – i know i’m pretty. i know i wear nice things. i know my hair is to die for. i don’t try hard, which is convenient, but once in a while i’ll wear some special outfits and actually attempt to make a good first impression. last night was one of those nights. however, i don’t need to hear the following from someone i met 10 seconds ago and could potentially be living with as a roommate in less than a week:
you: “damn liz, put on the sexy outfit today?” & “wow, i can smell your hair from here, it smells great!”
me: “a-heh heh, well......always looking to make a good first impression!”
moments later stepping into the living room: the first thing i noticed was that i was not the first person you had look at the room. how could i tell? your notepad of interviewees was sitting on the coffee table. a quick scan of the list while trying to keep a conversation with you got me a little freaked. next to each name of the three people before me was a “hot or not” note. apparently jill was “semi-hot & nice tits,” avery was “dog-ass ugly,” and alley was “sort of fuckable.” the next three names, including mine, had nothing next to them. i didn’t understand, i thought you had a room to rent? what was with the “fuckable or not” notes?
not doing well here guy. but because i felt bad and knew this couldn’t last longer than a few more minutes i decided to be nice and continue the tour.
next came the room showing. you told me ahead of time that the room wasn’t available “just yet.” though you failed to mention it was because you were currently using the room as a small zoo. yes i was surprised to see so many ferrets, parrots, gerbils, jackrabbits, snakes, and fish in one room. no i did not like it when you told me you were planning on “letting them roam free about the apartment” when someone moved into the room. yes i felt bad for you when you told me you needed the extra rent money to buy food for everyone, the ferrets especially. no, there is no good explanation as to why you have 4 huge jackrabbits in your apartment, don’t try. yes, i did like some of your pets – the fish.
nothing could help you now. nothing. there was no way i was even remotely interested in the room, and i have a feeling i wasn’t the only one that night with the same feelings.
things got weird though didn’t they? i thought it was strange when there was no price for the room on the craigslist ad. it sounded like the ideal location though and had parking so i had to call. thinking back now i can’t believe how clever you were in getting me there without ever quoting me a price. you were clever, i was stupid - because when i asked you how much the room was after the showing you kind of smiled big and wide and said:
“well, ideally we could work out a kind of half-pay half-fuck kind of deal if you get my drift. see, i need to feed everyone which is why we couldn’t do a straight-fuck plan. but if you really wanted to do that then maybe i could work something out because you are pretty hot after all.”
my jaw fell to the floor. my kate spade handbag fell against your head. my black prada mary-jane pumps fell against your balls. and my angry screaming fit of nastiness fell upon your ears.
i have your phone number you freak. i know where you live you freak. someday when you least expect it i’m going to break in and let all of those jackrabbits back out into the wild, you freak. look who’s smiling now, you freak.
this is in or around cambridge, ma