Ahh, the first e-mail of the day
Part of my job is to take applications from the Internet and approve or disprove applicants immediately based on the bank's criteria. Should I disprove someone, they automatically receive the following form e-mail denial letter (the names have been changed to "Deadbeat" to protect these asshats and my last name has been changed to "Scumbag" in light of most people's opinion of my work):
>Subject: XYZ Bank Application
> Dear Deadbeat,
> Thank you for the opportunity to consider your request for credit. We
>regret that we are unable to approve your application. You will be
>recieving a letter in the mailing citing the reasons.
> Thank you,
> Tim Scumbag
> Loan Officer
> (800) 555-5555
Every so often, people get really worked up about this, and their terrible credit history, and actually respond to that e-mail. I commute one hour each way to work, and this is just a small taste of the horseshit I have to put up with from customers:
> go find lassie, thanks for nothing.
> funny how i pay all my bills on time and am unable to get a loan.
> i sense discrimination due to my bankruptcy almost 7 years ago.
FYI, this guy DOESN'T pay his bills on time. If he did, we'd offer him a loan, because we want his money. No one makes money turning people down; we just don't lose it. Furthermore, it wasn't like I was discriminating against this Wop; HE WENT BANKRUPT. As tempting as it is, I couldn't send the e-mail I had written out:
>he said your credit sucks cock
>and if you've gone bankrupt, maybe you should sink yourself 40 large in debt for a fucking Corvette
>I am awesome-o
Last week, I received this one:
> thanks for nothing...this is the second time I have to
> get approved and been turned down because of my
> ex-wifes credit....since then you guys have sent me
> numerous emails wanting me to try again.....I do and
> you guys turn me down.....you guys suck dick.......
That guy's credit was so shitty I should've reported him to the police. Imagine having a $4,000 balance on your credit card and just saying to yourself "You know what? I don't want to pay that, so I'm not going to." Now, imagine that you did that, and yet you can't understand why I won't give you 15,000 for a car, and you're so indignant that even though you're 48 years old, you write me an agitated e-mail with the maturity and intelligence of your average high school freshman.
Sadly, I do not have access to one of these e-mails that was sent to one of my co-workers. The applicant wanted a car loan, and he was a soldier stationed in Iraq. Although I do not have the transcript in front of me, the scathing e-mail included the following sentence, as close to verbatim as I can recall:
"I go to war to save your life, and this is how you repay me? It it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking aribic [sic] by now."
Hmm, delusions of grandeur much? I wanted to respond to this one by informing him of my fascination for "aribic" culture, and my penshant for falafels, but I couldn't do that either. Why? Because nothing would make me happier than to put one of our GIs behind the wheel of whatever car makes him happy (a Mustang in his case), but his credit was so shitty I couldn't finance a big wheel for him.
I don't think I had a point beyond attempting to entertain the lot of you and venting at the same time, so hopefully someone got a chuckle out of the horseshit I choose to continue to put up with. I feel better.