Don't Eat at Burger King before Sex!!!
So I was casually dating this hot, young, blonde, Paris Hilton-esque flight attendant. God was in a good mood when he made her. One night we went out and had drinks with a group of her friends and some friends of mine in town from NJ. Went back to my apartment with a good buzz going. Don't smoke much but my buddy had some MJ... a few hits later and I'm stoned.
So I took the girl back into the love cave aka my bedroom. Door shut, lights out, pitch black. We're both on the bed feverishly and blindly stripping each other of clothes. Jimmy's at attention. She asked if she should get a condom, and of course that was an affirmative. She grabbed her purse that was mixed in with her pile of clothes on the floor and fished around for the condom. A few seconds later she returned with the rubber. Yes! I'm high and I'm about to get laid! She handed me the condom. I went to open the wrapper but it did not tear in typical fashion. I really had rip the fucker hard to get to the contents but nothing was going to stop me. Once I got through the barrier wall I felt around for the rim of the condom. Where the hell is it?!?! Was this a faulty empty condom pack? I felt a lot of lubrication, but no rubber. OHHHHH!!! I got it, I told myself..... This girl had always been a little kinky and was often into the foreplay and flavored lube pack thing...I'd seen this before. This girl really wants to have some fun tonight! Aww Yeahhh!! Freaky-Deaky!!! So I commence to find that inner freak inside me and prepare to let loose. I squeeze some lube into my hand and throw a little on the dills. Ahhhh... Warm some more up in my hand and start rubbing her down... tits, stomach, and most intimate of areas. We're both really getting into it. I give her a dab and she rubs down my chest. I start to feel a warm sensation on the skin that it covered...awesome, it's the tingly sensation kind, even better!! I start rubbing the dills against her hot, super lubricated hole...
"Alright, now give me the condom" I say. "I just did" she replied. Huh????? I'm so confused at this point??????? "No you didn't??????"
I reach over to turn on the light. WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!! This girl had been to BURGER KING that day. What she thought was a condom and I thought was lube was really FUCKING MUSTARD!!!! AAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I had to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom which involved a direct pass by all of my buddies hanging out in the living room. With mustard on face, in chest hair, and the vinegar in it now burning my urethra, I shamefully walked by them and their weeping laughter. As for the sex, let's just say it killed the mood. My dills is just glad that BK doesn't serve Tabasco.
this is in or around South End