A Letter to my beloved MBTA
I had thought our relationship would finally end when I obtained a car that would allow me to get in and out of the city without you, but life has changed and working in Cambridge no longer allows me to park - thus we must meet again every morning at 8am and evenings at 5pm. Oh public transit, how I freaking hate you.
Every morning I wake up to see you in perpetual construction. Your attempts at pretending that repairs will ever be finished humor me as I stare at bare cement, pigeon droppings and hanging electrical wiring while waiting for the train. In the summer, like right now, the lack of air conditioning and the cheap fucking fans from the 19th century when this excuse for a transit system were installed particularly amuze me. But you know what I really love? The body odor of a thousand commuters drenched with sweat standing underground at 5pm in the fucking crematorium you call Park Street station. But you're right, how can that possibly be better than the eternal smell of urine in Downtown Crossing? or the occasional billow of smoke that clouds the station as a loudspeaker warning annouces above me that I should watch out for anything "suspicious". Hmmmm, let me see...is a station filled with smoke to the point that I can't see an oncoming train suspicious? As I wait for the apocalypse (or the next train, whichever comes first), I wonder if terrorists blew up the Boston transit system would it make it better or worse? Nothing to worry about though, since you'll be too busy trying to see through a cloud of smoke and a thousand sweaty commuters because the fucking Orange Line train is "experiencing minor delays."
Speaking of delays, I love the exhilirating suspence of waiting to discover when you will choose to arrive in the morning. I get up earlier than I have to incase your spontaneity condemns me to a 30 minute wait. But I understand, weekday mornings are so unpredictable and come in such irregularity that there is no real way to plan for so many people going to work at the same time. I mean what are the odds that we would all show up at the train station at 8am on Monday? Obviously you guys can't be fucking psychics. And of course, when its -500 degrees in January and I'm coming home in the evening it really is too much to ask for a train arrival more frequently than once per hour. But, hey, I know I need the excersise I get from jumping up and down for half an hour to keep myself from turning into a human margarita - and the homeless bums frozen to the benches could use some too.
Also, its great that you don't run past midnight except on weekends because we're still in a Puritan city and I am an immoral person for wanting to stay out thursday night. I am so excited about that extra hour on fridays and saturdays though - its really changed my life. Now when I want to enjoy the city life late night I can still pay the same fucking cab fare. But I have a car you say? Oh yeah, except finding parking in Boston on a friday night is as easy and fun as wrapping myself up in an American flag in the middle of Basra. And we all love driving in Boston too, but I am an idiot and lent my TOW Missile launcher to the army so I can no longer blow cars off the fucking road and unfortunately thats the only way to get through this damn city's traffic. But, thats that little quandary is what started our relationship to begin with isn't it?
But we've had our good times too didn't we? Those pranks you pull on me are sooo funny, like when I get on a Green Line train and the announcer tells me that its now out of order! Or when I spend a lifetime waiting for the E line only to see 10 D line trains go by and when I get on it, the train mysteriously sits there with its doors open while I watch my life force slowly drain. Sometimes I wonder how much of my life and my money you have taken over these past seven years. Im not sure, but all the the cash I've spent might be enough to buy one fucking working token machine! And when I see one it either says "coins only" or "cash only" which is fine by me except that the fare is $1.25 you goddamn morons and theres a change reciever on the turnstyle so anyone with 1.25 in change wouldnt need Tokens anyway! Please tell me that I'm not only one who sees this or that this is one big joke that I just can't get. Oh and I can't get the $45 monthly pass because its higher than my electricity bill and actually costs more than my monthly train usage. Oh and one small request, can the cashier please give me my Token any fucking slower as the train is coming? And please let them talk forever to the one idiot who needs it explained to him while we all stand in line waiting for the bare cement walls to end the miserable existence, because when I look at those broken token machines my brain begins to eat its way out of my body.
In conclusion, your newly posted billboard ads about the "great service" MBTA is giving us in Boston have really changed my mind. I fucking hate you mass transit and I hate you Boston Council for letting a piece of shit company like the MBTA ever be associated with this city; and I hate the broken Green Line, the worthless Orange Line, the fucking Red Line, the shitty Blue Line, and that bullshit bus service you now call the Silver Line. Those new hydrogen powered buses have really allowed me to take advantage of Roxbury because if I ever wondered what it would be like to get stabbed while waiting for a bus I can finally find out and kill the fucking mystery.
I am excited about seeing you every day again my beloved MBTA and hope that you may explode in a giant fireball of death at your earliest convenience.
Boston Mass Transit User
this is in or around Boston