Things that make you go hmmm.....
Or maybe when you saw the 12 page receipt that I posted on the front of the refrigerator, you would see it and say, "wow, my roommates spent a lot of money on food, maybe I should chip in."
Or maybe, just maybe, when you saw that I took it upon myself to write my name on everything I purchased so you would know who paid for it and who it belonged to, you would think, "maybe I shouldn't eat this because it doesn't have my name on it and my mother taught me when I was 5 not to touch things that have other people's names on them."
Say, roomie, if you've never purchased toilet paper, but still continue to wipe your ass every time you go to the bathroom, wouldn't you think, "hmmm...wonder where the toilet paper came from?"
And if that toilet paper happened to I don't know, say, run out, wouldn't you think to go buy a new package instead of using up all the tissues instead? And when *gasp* magically somehow a new package of toilet paper appeared, that you AGAIN did not buy, wouldn't you think to at least think to put the toilet paper on the roll instead of leaving it sitting on the edge of the sink?
Or how about if you see that the garbage is full, wouldn't you think to yourself before shoving even more garbage into it, "Hey, I use the garbage just as much as everyone else in this house, it looks pretty full, maybe I should tie it up, take it downstairs and put it in the trash can?"
Or after you've polished off a six pack of beer wouldn't you think, "Hey, the recycling is overflowing, those must be my beer bottles because I know that one of my roommates doesn't drink beer and the other one wasn't here last night, so I should probably take those downstairs because this place is really starting to smell like a frat house."
Or come Wednesday night, when you come home and notice that every other house on the street has put out their garbage cans and recycling bins, wouldn't you think, "Oh yeah! It's garbage day tomorrow, better go get the garbage/recycling and put it out right now that way I don't forget after I've polished off a 6 pack of beer."
Or how about if you're about to go to bed and you notice (or maybe not) that there is a light still on in the living room, which just happens to be adjacent to your bedroom, and in fact, you have to walk through the living room in order to get to your bedroom, wouldn't you, I don’t know…turn it off??
Or if when the electric bill comes and it's a little more than expected and the rest of your roommates are all standing around trying to figure out why, and you come stumbling out of your room with a blast of artic chill spilling out behind you like I just opened up the freezer door, wouldn't you chime in with, "Hey guys, I installed an air conditioner in my bedroom and leave it running constantly all day, even when I'm not here, maybe that could be the difference?"
Instead you fix yourself a pasta salad made with the ziti, onions, red and orange peppers, garlic, salt and pepper and salad dressing I bought last Thursday.
I guess BIG RED BOLDFACED LETTERS didn't convey my message enough, next time I'll just write "Did you buy this? No? THEN, PAWS OFF!"
Instead of running out and buying a new package of toilet paper when your tummy is rumbly, you decide to use up all the tissues in the open box on the back of the toilet and then when those run out, use the other unopened box (which I bought) from under the sink because there was no toilet paper left and you really had to go number two because the pasta salad you just ate went through you faster than a locomotive.
Instead of taking out the garbage, you empty the rest of that pasta salad into the already full bag, shoving it down with your foot like the Rubbermaid plastic bin is suddenly going to grow another 6 inches so your shit will fit in. It's not a fucking trash compactor, genius.
Instead of going out and buying food because you're still hungry, you open the fridge, stand in front of it with your hand on your hip, peering intently like there is actually anything in there that you purchased, and wonder what else you could eat because the pasta salad you had before didn't exactly curb your appetite.
Instead of noticing that the fridge is full of food that isn't yours, you grab a couple Rally Cap Ales to settle that stomach.
And instead of taking out the already full of all your other beers recycling bin, you down those Rally Caps and set them down next to it and then retreat off to your air conditioned ice palace.
Hey roomie, since you're obviously not getting all my subtle references, maybe I should be the one to get a clue and post this on a big fat placard and stick it in the front yard like the "Save Our Lady of the Peach Church" signs I see everywhere around out neighborhood:
1. "PLEASE STOP EATING MY FOOD OR AT LEAST REPLACE THE FOOD YOU DID EAT OR GIVE ME MONEY FOR THE FOOD YOU STOLE."
2. "PLEASE BE CURTEOUS AND REALIZE THAT I HAVE BOUGHT THE LAST 100 PACKAGES OF TOILET PAPER AND MAYBE IT'S YOUR TURN TO BUY SOME."
3. "UNLESS YOU OWN STOCK IN THE ELECTRIC COMPANY, A LA MONOPOLY, PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS AND SHUT OFF YOUR AIR CONDITIONER WHEN YOU'RE NOT HOME."
4. "PLEASE ROLL UP YOUR JCREW SLEEVES AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE AND/OR RECYCLING FOR ONCE IN YOUR SPOILED LIFE."
Your broke, hungry, dirty, sweat stained roomie.
P.S. Things that make you go hmmm...hmmmm...hmmm
P.P.S. Robbie Rob, break it down!