christ, i want a boyfriend. and when i say "christ", i mean for fuck's sake. this isn't a letter to my god's son, you know, the savior and all that, cause i'm sure he has better things to do than read a rant from a potty mouth like me. and when i say "for fuck's sake", i don't mean just for fuck's sake cause i'd like to do other things with my boyfriend: like laugh at tired, bloated pregnant women who aren't offered a seat on the bus and argue over the fact that he asked me out to dinner but i was the one who paid (that cheap, but oh so adorable, bastard). we could walk around boston and bitch about how the dnc has screwed everything up, but then we'd make each other feel better by pointing out serious fashion faux pas such as flip flops, ugg boots in 85 degree weather, low-riders on women who should be wearing them higher and socks with sandals.
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i want a boyfriend. i'd wax for him so he'd never have to come on rnr and complain about how licking me is like sweeping a barber's shop floor with his tongue. we could get drunk and sing "the gambler" so loud that my neighbors come on here with the posting title "noisy neighbors: stop singing kenny rogers you stupid asshats".
i want a boyfriend. i'd keep up with my gym habits so that i'd never turn into the dreaded seacow. but i'd bake him cookies and i'd eat a few myself so as to keep me soft in all the right places. i'd study the dictionary and memorize the correct spelling of every word so as not to upset his delicate constitution. i might even pick up a copy of "the elements of style" or at least read the online version.
if he got mad at me for being on the computer so much and said "go outside", well at first i might think of the hypocrites that sometimes post that on cl...but then i would smile at him and say "wouldn't you rather stay inside and get some head?"
i really want a boyfriend.
this is in or around here. right here.