best of craigslist > boston > Rant: Rice Burners
Originally Posted: 2004-06-21 8:27am

Rant: Rice Burners

All right, this one finally set me over the edge. On my 7 am commute this morning, I'm sharing the road with a 1999 honda civic. Let me tell you a little about this civic. It was bright orange. It had a big wing on the back, an exhaust pipe wide enough for me to put my arm up it, bass so loud MY windows shook, and it scraped the ground every time it went over a bump.

Here's what I see wrong with this picture:

1). The color - I'm sorry, but if I drove a honda civic, I wouldn't be drawing attention to myself. Not that there's anything wrong with a civic... it's a very economical, fuel effecient car. It's sure better than walking. It's just not a car that I find particularily impressing. If you had a bright orange Maserati, I can understand. But a civic?

And the stickers - I bet you got an extra 10 horsepower just by sticking on that "NOS" sticker. (And btw.. it was painfully obvious you don't have a nitrous system, so stop fooling yourself). Oh, and an irish kid from southie shouldn't have asian characters on his car.

2). The spoiler on the back - That huge spoiler must produce a ton of down-force. That would make for some awesome traction except for the fact that YOUR CAR IS FRONT WHEEL DRIVE. Why are you puttind down force YOUR REAR WHEELS if YOUR CAR IS FRONT WHEEL DRIVE?
Has anybody here ever stood on their rear bumper? What's that do? It pushes the back of the car down, and the front of the car UP. So by putting all of that downforce behind your rear axle, you're adding lift to the front, thereby reducing your traction. Moron.

3). The exhaust pipe - It's great that you have a high-flow exhaust and all, but let's remind ourselves what you're driving: A 1999 honda civic. Cute little 4-banger. Everyone screams about power-to-weight ratio! power-to-weight ratio! Well, when your engine is so small it weighs almost nothing, you get almost no power. Your 1.6L engine is rated at 127 horse-power and just over 100 lb-ft of torque at redline. For those of you who don't know cars, those aren't very impressive numbers. My 99 cent bottle of Coke has better displacement than your engine.

Anyway, back to the exhaust. It's great that you can get an extra 10 horsepower by bolting on a sewer pipe in leiu of a muffler. But guess what? 127 horsepower + 10 horsepower = still a shitty engine. And now your car sounds like a chainsaw on acid.

4). The bass - I refuse to say "your music was so loud..." because what you were listening to was not music. What you were listening to was percussion accompanying a man shouting obscenities in ebonics into a microphone. And why do you need to play it so loud that early in the morning? There's children trying to sleep. Maybe you were trying to drown out that annoying lawnmower note coming from your exhaust?

5). How low can you go - And don't even get me started on your body kit and your suspension drop. Although, it did make me smile when I saw that the front of your "bumper" was all cracked and scraped from every time you have to cross the T tracks on Comm. Ave.

In conclusion - It doesn't matter what color paint, how big your exhaust pipe is, or how much plastic you bolt/glue to the sides of your car, you're still driving a honda civic. You can't hide from this fact. So peel the little plastic things off of your windshield wipers, and just drive your car for what it is...


PLEASE NOTE: This post is not a rant against drivers of honda civics. As I said in item 1, civics are very nice cars. They are dependable, fuel-efficient, and easy to park. My brother had a civic when he was in high school. It was a very nice car. This is a rant against people who think they can make a honda civic more than a honda civic. That is all. Thank you, and good night!


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