Originally Posted: 2004-06-21 7:46am

favorite this post Welcome to Boston-a Primer for DNC Visitors

In dodging the Father's day cards this year I had some time on my hands

The Mayor of Boston, The Governor of Massachusetts and the Democratic National Committee will all welcome the delegates, guests and hangers-on to the City of Boston. The residents of the city will not, to them, you are like the US army occupiers in Iraq. They will not assist you in any way, shape or form. They will actually wish ill upon you.

Back Then

The original view of Boston from the sea was of three mountains. Tres Montaines(sp?) was the original name from some French guy, possibly an ancestor of a Boston RnR writer too.. Only a French guy would call anything that small a mountain. This however will explain why there are lots of things in this area named “Tremont”; beer, streets, hotels, squares, companies you get the idea.

In 1630 a bunch of hillbillies invaded, saw little resistance on the hills, and settled in Boston. It became a series of villages. And the inhabitants of these villages didn’t like those of the other villages. Then other people and cows moved onto this peninsula. The paths that these cows created are the basis for many of our roads. Yes, even the new ones.


Boston is booming metropolitan area. It is also still a series of villages. And the inhabitants of these villages still don’t like those of the other villages. Some of businesses in these villages will have open arms for those you attending the convention. The villagers themselves will not.

Many people will claim that Boston is a racist city. It’s is not a racist city, it is a prejudiced city. There is a difference. But understand that everyone hates everyone else. No one wants you guinea, mick, nigger, spic, kike, frog asses here anyway. It’s not selective so get over it. Think back to the villager metaphor. You are not from here that why we don’t like you.

Getting here

Right before the convention you will have the opportunity view and drive through the Big Dig. We’d like to thank you all for chipping in with your tax dollars so enjoy it before they shut it down for the convention. Some Highlights-Ted Williams Tunnel, Leonard Zakim Bunker Hill Bridge, the Freedom (may be soon to be Tip O’Neil) Tunnel. As a resident I’d like to thank you for paying to bury I-93. For comparison sake take a drive over the Tobin Bridge or through the Callahan Tunnel. Yeah....Wow!

Getting Around

Are you fucking kidding me? Because of this event going on in the middle of the city most of the roads will be shut down. I strongly suggest you buy and bring good walking shoes. Ladies, carry the heels in a bag. We have the oldest underground subway system in the country (world?) it’s called the “T”. You may be able to walk to your destination faster than the T will get you there. Oh and don’t ask a local for directions, but if you do and it starts with, “yah goah ovah da bridge thenyas take a left inta da tunnel”, know this, they are lying to you in order to get you out of the city.


Thought you’d be whooping it up until dawn. Think again. The closing hours of establishments serving alcohol in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is 2:00am. In some of the neighborhoods you’ll be invading it is as early as midnight.

Oh and for you Southern folks, you’ll be learning that new fangled thing, smoke your cigarette butt outside. That’s right, no temporary lifting of any smoking ban is going to happen. Just remember to behave like the locals and simply toss your used butts on the sidewalk. The ashtray by the door is just for show. It’s the silent form of protest.


Coffee-while most of you may be coming from a place with one Dunking Donuts in their town, in Boston we think they should be on every other corner. For the Starbucks crowd DD has started carrying that foo-foo latte stuff as well. It’s not that good and don’t ask for grande, but on the plus side most DD’s do have a drive through.
Looking for great Italian food, go to providence.
Looking for Chinese food go to Brookline.
Indian food, those fuckers keep popping up everywhere.
Steak Joints abound in our city of fat, I mean, restaurants.

Toursit Must Miss Traps

Fanuiel Hall
Cheers…all of them
Any place labeled authentic Irish, Italian…you know what I mean
Bunker Hill Pavilion
Legal Seafood’s

The locals will laugh if you…

Ask for hoagie or a hero sandwich. (we just call’em subs)
Want tomato sauce in your clam chowder. (that’s new york style)
Ask for a milk shake (we call them frappes, fribbles if you go to Friendly's)

Things the locals won’t laugh if you do…

The Freedom Trail
Eat your way through the North End or South End
Drink your way around the Back Bay or Beacon Hill
Pick a fight in South Boston.

How to really piss off a local

Ask them to “Pahk the cah in Havid yahd”?
Ask them where the Kennedy Compound is?
Ask them when the last time the Red Sox won a world series? (This means YOU, yankee fans.)
Ask them what year Ray Bourque won a Stanley Cup, and with what team?

In closing we hope you spend lots of money in our city this summer and we recommend that you have all your friends do the same. We’re really nice people and need your tax revenues since tourism is such a major part of our economy. Especially since the mayor promised us a wicked big boost from this invasion. Personally I hope it rains all week so the bars are jammed with out of town women of little or no virtue (we know what whores you democrats can be) Who the hell want to go NYC this summer.(yawn!)

this is in or around the democratic national convention aka the John Kerry coronation ceremony

post id: 34297418

email to friend

best of [?]