Originally Posted: 2004-06-11 8:32am

Rant: It might have worked before today

Dear Fat Old Neighbor,

It might have worked out between us. You are everything I have always wanted in a man. First of all, for the last couple of months you have always been there for me. Every time I walk out of my apartment, there you are, sitting on your steps with a beer offering me words of encouragement like "Hey nice titties" or "I'd sure like to bang you in the ass". These little compliments give me something to ponder on my way to work every day. Thank you. Secondly, you are not ashamed of your body. You never wear a shirt, even in the dead of winter. Your flabby beer gut blows in the wind any time of day, hypnotizing me with its wavy motion, and the way you slap it when I walk by gives me tingles. Thank you. Third, you are never afraid to speak your mind, even at 3am outside my window or in your house to your wife. You are loud and proud of your opinions! Thank you! This is not to say we don't have our differences. For example, you are nearing 50 and I am 22, but age is just a number right? I am employed and as far as I can see, you have yet to gain employment anywhere, and though I wouldn't mind supporting my loved one through a rough time, I wouldn't want to upset your male chauvinistic place as being the sole breadwinner. So you see, we could over come such differences. Our beautiful relationship had potential until today when I found my bike in your garbage heap. You see, until today I had thought someone had stolen my bike. About a month ago I found it missing and the metal railing ripped off of the steps to my building. But now that I have found my bike in your garbage heap, I assume you were just trying to fix it, yet another subtle attempt at wooing me. I'm sure you didn't want to ask me for a key so instead you ripped it from my steps and carried it off in the middle of the night. But alas, you could not fix my broken bike nor could you removed the chain around the tire and so in a fit of romantic anguish you tossed it into your trash heap. Well Mr.. Fat Old Ugly Neighbor, I could not ever become romantically involved with someone who gives up on my bike after only 2 months. Granted, it did need a new brake line and the store that sells them is 2 blocks down. The effort it would have taken you to buy the 2 dollar brake line was extreme, but I expect extreme actions from potential suitors. So I must end it now, before either of us gets further invested into this relationship. Thank you for all the pleasant memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Your attractive young neighbor whose heart (and bike) you stole and tossed away

this is in or around Fat old man'sville

post id: 33469446

email to friend

best of [?]