best of craigslist > boston > I don't have any redeeming qualities
Originally Posted: 2004-05-28 3:16pm

I don't have any redeeming qualities

I can hardly believe how shitty I am. Really. Not even for a second. I am such an asshole. I was going to title this post "I suck", but that seemed to be too positive. There might be those of you out there who would have made a mental connection between me sucking and someone sucking a dick. I do that, I'll admit, but I'm such a fuckup that I am not even particularly good at it. Never heard the raves and moans like I hear coming from my neighbor's apartment. Not once. Not even before getting a throatful of semen.

I am not pretty. Nope. My boyfriend and the guy I'm cheating with (oh, did I not mention that I'm an asshole?) both seem to enjoy saying that I am, but that is likely because they seek out further ineffective and ill-executed blowjobs. Because they, too, are sick. I wonder about them, and am sometimes embarrassed by them because they are not ashamed of being seen with me. I am average from a distance and stupendously ugly upon close inspection. In the proper dim light, being seen through thick lenses of smoke, THC, and liquor, I am clearly devastatingly gorgeous. Which means that I am really quite repugnant.

So I am unfaithful. Too bad about that, huh? And I actually believe that a person can be in love with two people. Because I am. Because I have no morals and am compulsive about my double standards. I am not kind.

I don't really like people. But in the vaguest sense I appreciate them, because I would feel guilty if they felt bad. I, in fact, do all of my "good deeds" (eg. basic politeness, smiling while saying hello) out of a dirty sense of self-preservation. To prevent myself from feeling guilty about their sadness, which would fuck up my day. And then, you know, make me resent them for forcing me to feel something and to think about them any longer than is necessary. When I am talking to people that do not interest me, it is very difficult for me to hear them; I eventually end up fantasizing about being home driking wine in my armchair and reading, or perhaps fantasizing about fucking my boyfriend or my adulterous lover. Sometimes I even fantasize about walking away mid-sentence and, out of nowhere (because I don't really like to carry things) pulling out a giant placard that reads "Guess what, fuckhead? Your talk talk talking drives me motherfucking mad from boredom. Please don't approach me again. Ever." I would hold it over my head, words facing backwards towards the still-chattering bugger, and on the front it would read "I'm a very nice person. I believe I might be deaf. Please do not approach me. Thank you." I believe for ease of reading it should be in Times New Roman. Everyone is familiar with that and it should prevent the lack of clarity that might be found with other, more interesting fonts.

I don't have a job. I am unemployed. I am unemployable. Not because I am disabled. I am flawed mentally, and lack the visual appeal that seems to negate that factor for all of the other shit-for-brains tissue clumps with steady jobs.

I am not intelligent. I enjoy reading but never remember anything I've read, except for particularly salacious or manipulative "yarns". I don't like it when other people use quotation marks in that "fashion", but I do it all the time. I also am intolerant of puns, yet insist upon making them.

I form my opinions on gut instinct and then seek out questionable facts to back them up. I don't back down. I don't even listen. I tend to respect people less when they don't agree with me.

I drink too much. I enjoy being drunk. I probably can't help it. I don't entirely want to. When I am drunk, I am even more boring than I am when sober.

I am boring. I tell the same stories all the time, but they aren't even stories. Generally a person wants a beginning, middle and end to a story. There should be something intersting in the tale. Something should happen. There might even be a punchline. I don't know how to formulate these things. It doesn't stop me from telling stories.

I am very poor at math.

I am overly defensive.

I am very critical of othere people's grammar and yet don't understand how to execute proper sentences myself.

My clothes are stupid.

I am cheap.

I am such an asshole.


this is in or around bitchville

post id: 32359488

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