Originally Posted: 2004-05-21 10:06am
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I'm an usher at a lesbian wedding
With all of the gay marriage debate going on, I just wanted to share this story as a way to discuss it in a funny manner, instead of either supporting it or defending it like a zealot. But first, you might need some background. The names and identities of the following cast of dysfunctional characters will be changed.
I have an Aunt. Let's call her Thelma. Thelma has always been very, very gay. When I was growing up, it was always her and her longtime girlfriend, let's call her Louise. I thought it was normal. My aunt and my aunt. As kids we're innocent and so it was no big deal. Then I became a teenager and Thelma and Louise had been together for over a decade and wanted to take it to the next level and start a family. But they didn't want to adopt, nothing could ever just be done the easy way. So they looked to artificial insemination. Louise went first and the process was less than ordinary. They went south to visit with their gay friend Russell and asked him if they could borrow his baby batter. He agreed. How they procured the sperm is a story I'm glad I don't know, but Louise got pregnant from her gay friend's sperm, and my first cousin was born. Then my Aunt Thelma wanted to experience the joys of childbirth as well. It was set sail to Russell's house once again to get some more gay spunk. Now my aunt is impregnated and a second artificially inseminated child is born. And the girls are actually half sisters because they share the same father (gay Russell's man juice created both of them) but different mothers.
Alas, love isn't always enough and Thelma and Louise's 13-year "marriage" ended with a separation. Although heartbroken, my Aunt Thelma moved onto another woman, let's call her Bertha. Bertha sucks. I mean it, she's just terrible. And she's hardcore Catholic, and hardcore Catholics think gays are evil and will go to hell. She must have a ton of inner conflict. Now here's where things get complicated. Thelma and Bertha wanted to have more kids. So my Aunt Thelma gets pregnant again -- this time through sperm she found in a catalogue -- and a third artificially inseminated cousin was brought forth. But that wasn't enough, no not by a longshot. Bertha wanted in on the action too. But alas, Mother Nature can be cruel and Bertha was not able to conceive a child. At least not through conventional methods. But thankfully, these lesbians are anything but conventional. So they formed a cohesive strategy to get Bertha pregnant. They'd take Thelma's eggs, fertilize them with sperm (from the catalogue again), stick the fertilized eggs in Bertha and hope for the best. Well little did we know we would get not one, but TWO more artificially inseminated cousins. That's right ladies and gentlemen, twins. God Bless America.
So that brings us up to speed to the lesbian wedding. As everyone on this board knows, it was legalized on Monday. This haphazard wedding was planned only a couple months ago and my Aunt Thelma only asked me to usher on Wednesday night. Needless to say I was surprised and a little hesitant. You see, I'm for gay marriage. However, gay people freak me out sometimes and especially Thelma's friends. She associates with the most stereotypical bull dykes you've ever seen. I'm talking angry as fuck, agenda of rage rug munchers whose hippie and New Age antics just go up my ass sideways. And besides, how the hell am I supposed to seat people at a lesbian wedding??? "Hello, good afternoon. Are you with the bride or the...uhhh...bride?" Thank God my brother and father (just about the only straight people who'll be there) are also in the wedding or else I'd go insane. My father is giving away Thelma and walking her down the aisle. He's giving away the groom at a lesbian wedding. Now that's just funny.
So when you're complaining about gay marriage and railing on and on against how bad it is, just be thankful you're not seating them, walking them down the aisle, and listening to stories of how Russell ejaculated into a cup so that my cousins could be born.
Hey, I'm just sayin...