Originally Posted: 2004-05-05 08:10 (no longer live)
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Rant: Hostile Takeover

Ms. GF Bob, Inc.
6969 Gold Digger Boulevard
Scanky, RI


Dear Ms GF,

We the Board of Directors For Bob, Inc. would like to address your hostile takeover attempt of said enterprise from the loving shareholders. We have performed the due diligence required on our behalf to properly advise the shareholders of our current position and the effects this hostile takeover will present.

History
Bob, Inc. was formed in 1960 as a subchapter “C” (child) company by the merger in 1958 of two highly reputable and powerful firms (BobsMa & BobsPa) to form BobsRents, Inc. BobsRents, Inc. was an entity whose collective history as a merged entity would exceed fifty years. They kept Bob, Inc. as wholly owned subsidiary and gradually began to make very limited public offerings. Upon the dear departure of this company Bob, Inc. had built up and extremely powerful and diverse Loving Stockholder base.

Assets
In our review of your Financial Statements we duly noted the exceptional quality of the, albeit few, assets you do in fact possess. It is amazing the structural integrity of such a thin frame can hold such modifications that you present to the world everyday in DD. A review of the backside is equally impressive where the Board of Directors of Bob, Inc. unanimously agreed with the phrase, “built like a brick shit house”. Several members of the Board of Directors of Bob, Inc in conjunction with several of our loving stockholders impressed upon us the hidden assets that your small company also possess. One board member even led us to believe that your exceptional performance may, in some instances, be enough to compensate for the glaring liabilities.

Liabilities
The review of your liabilities was troubling to say the very least. Your last three mergers have yielded catastrophic results. The formation of those three Subchapter C (child) companies looms very large as drain on the precious resources of Bob, Inc. and that frightens us extremely. The ongoing litigation, maintainence, consulting fees and dubious sources of income leave us with very gloomy picture of the future of Bob, Inc. if taken over by your firm.

Input of Loving Stockholders
The Board of Directors For Bob, Inc. are placed in this position by these our loving stockholders and elected to the Board by the CEO of Bob, Inc. Bob himself. Our Loving Stockholders come in three classes of shareholder. Class A (family share holders) Class B (friend share holders) and Class C (business associates). We will address their concerns in reverse order.

Class C
This class sees the hostile takeover as a merger. The members of this class are more numerous than Board Members are aware of however we feel that durability of this class of shareholder is uneven at best. Many of these shareholders do believe that this could only strengthen the stability of Bob, Inc. THis group is in favor of a merger.

Class B
This shareholder class has by far the most years behind it shares. These years number over a millennium with an average year to shareholder ratio of eighteen years. This is based on the many long term investments that this class of shareholder has elected to make. Some members of this class moved up from class C status. The members of this class overwhelmingly reject the your takeover attempt. The terms “bitch”, “cunt” and “whore” were the most prevalent when we advised them of your action.

Class A
The Most Powerful voting class of shares, but alas the smallest. You have maneuvered this class of shareholder in a rather skillful way. The only dissenter in your takeover attempt has been sole surviving original stockholder of BobRents, Inc. She hates you with a passion and she has steered this Board Of Director to perform our due diligence and quite frankly she isn’t a woman to be fucked with. Her overriding influence on the Board of Directors, the entire voting of the class A stock and CEO Bob himslef is a force to be reckoned with and she is rejecting the takeover attempt.

Conclusion
The Board of Directors of Bob, Inc. therefore formally rejects your Hostile Takeover bid of Bob, Inc. Be advised that our further research conducted did discover a number of adjunct harassment suits perpetrated by your firm to a few members of the Class B Shareholder Class. We are in possession of a video tape provided to the board by a member of this class as well. In the words of one director, “good lighting, good audio and an unmistakable likeness of that dirty girl”. So we advise you to cease and desist immediately for the good long term health of Bob, Inc. Don't make us inform the CEO of the existence of this tape.

Thank You,
Bob, Inc.
Board of Directors



post id: 30418612