That's it. I'm done.

I've tried, I've failed, and I’m ready to admit this. Instead of sex, I'm ready to think about something less frustrating every fifteen minutes. Something pleasant and outdoorsy, like for example, golf. Well, perhaps not golf, as I do have a few friends who are avid golfers and appear ready to have strokes most Sunday afternoons, but still, you get the picture.

You see, I've been thinking about this for a while now... Since I was 13, really... And I don't think heterosexuality makes any sense. There is nothing -at all- similar between heterosexual men and heterosexual women. Nothing. As far as I can tell, although we are designed to procreate, we are also built to annoy the living piss out of each other and generally be difficult for each other in almost every circumstance. Frankly, heterosexuality appears to be a perversion of the laws of logic.

I understand homosexuality. It makes sense to me. Two women together or two men together are going to understand each other a hell of a lot better than when you mix the genders. Say what you will, but the minds of men and women just don't work the same way; and as for sex... Christ. I'll bet the farm that a straight woman knows better how to please another woman than any guy ever will; the inverse is surely true for men. Same sex sex just makes more damn sense than trying to slip tab A into slot B while fulfilling emotions C, D (subparagraph 1-5,) E, F, and manipulating desires 1 through 6b.

And so I'm ready to end this research that I have been conducting since my early teens and just accept that I am one of the damned; I am one of the failed experiments in human male-female relationships.

Here's the thing; I love the female form, the female mind, and all qualities feminine. From the basest attributes, those that create lust and yearning in the loins - the neckline, the face, the breasts, the legs, the waist, the feet, the flesh... to the verbose and bizarre enigma of the mind... I am fascinated, enthralled, and enamored. But as much as I worship the female, I am always shocked and amazed when any finds interest in us males. (At this point let me take an aside to all us straight guys: what they hell are they thinking?! Look us!! We are oafish, strangely illogical, and our genitalia -no matter how wonderful women tell us we are- is nowhere near the artwork of the female form!)

But as every relationship I have ever been in has only left me more confused than I was before, I have come to the conclusion that I am beaten. I have been battered upon the rocks, and I need a new hobby.

But we humans are social, pack animals. We need and we seek community. As it just so happens, the gay communities in the United States and elsewhere, due to the political and social persecution they face, have built nice communities and social orders all their own. So here I am, with a plea to all in the gay community. I am casting myself from the ship Heterosexual, with its perpetually absent captaincy. I come to you cold and alone, looking for a little sanctuary.

I wish I could offer something in return. I wish I could be reciprocal to your kindness, but I must only hope that you will have generosity. And I speak to you gay men, as the gay women (I well know) have already stopped reading this stupid, small brained attempt of one man to understand why he has a penis. You see, my dear homosexual soon-to-be friends... I cannot be emotionally involved with you. Or physically. Because as much as I love looking at my own naked form in the mirror, (just because I'm giving up my sexual persuasion doesn't mean I have to give up narcissism!) Any attempt to create a fantasy that includes a penis other than my own causes my brain to kick back to blackness with a C:> prompt giving me the all-too-clear response: "SYNTAX ERROR."

So I come to you a pauper of sexuality, an outcast of my gender identification. Let me in to your world, show me the clubs, and teach me your ways. I ask this as a favor, from one lonely guy to a community. While I'll never be free of my sexual slavery to that Other Gender, perhaps I can find liberation of mind... free from the constant frustration of courtship. Please, take pity on me and show me the ropes of my new chosen way. Allow me into your jokes; show me what it means to be social with other men without being overtly territorial and aggressive. Perhaps the first thing we can do is succeed where my girlfriends have failed; could you and your ability communicate with my male mind actually teach me some fashion sense? No... You are probably right... that is pushing my luck too far.