sometimes your world takes a turn for the surreal...

as we stood in the middle of the trader joe's produce section, trying to decide whether $4 was a good deal for 3 undersized sweet vidalia onions, she came around the corner. 8 years old, going on 28. she'd left her dad at the end of the snack aisle talking on his cell phone with a cart full of overpriced junk food alternatives. before i could flash my default "what a cute kid" smile, her hand was on my ass as she proclaimed to the world, "I LIKE BOYS!"

and then she was gone.

turning to me in disbelief, my girlfriend asked, "did you just get felt up by a preschooler?"

still reeling a little from the incident, i decided to shake off the trauma and we headed to the dairy section for the $5 cage-free eggs. i almost dropped them when i saw her dad again. still on the phone. and there she was, coming in for a second pass. i couldn't let it happen again. with nowhere else to go, i took refuge behind my girlfriend. thankfully that was enough, the kid bailed on the attempt and veered off toward the free samples of chocolate covered almonds leaving me shamed, bewildered, and cowering behind my 5'tall girlfriend/bodyguard.

as we warily made our way to the register, i could only think to myself "her dad is going to pay for that phone call." from now on, i'm going to market basket. at least i can outrun the 70 year old haitian ladies.