Tips for students living on beacon hill
as someone planning to live here year-round on a more-or-less permanent basis and as someone who was dumb enough to actually BUY my apartment, i would like to share some of my accumulated neighborhood wisdom with you all.
but before i get to the tips, there is something you should all know. all homeowners on beacon hill REALLY HATE YOU. (i, personally, dont hate all of you: that girl who was in the bh market the other weekend - low low sweatpants, sweet belly ring, sleepy eyes and tangled hair - you i like.)
the good news is, we don't hate JUST you. naw, that'd be mean. we hate, in descending order, YOU, YOUR PARENTS (those peabrains who are so fucking soft in the head and apparently thick in the wallet that they are willing to pay good money for you to infest this neighborhood), and lastly, YOUR LANDLORDS (who bought your place in 1966 for like $5,000 and have since put $0 into its upkeep and are willing to rent to pretty much anyone; DIE SOON, PEOPLE, WOULDJA? let junior sell the place, c'mon).
on to the tips:
1) TRASH. trash days are MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, and FRIDAY. notice i have excluded some days. ask your teacher which ones if this is unclear. it is NOT acceptable to place your trash outside on these OTHER DAYS. also, please place your trash in ACTUAL TRASH BAGS (you know, those big black plastic things your Dad used; you can BUY these with MONEY at the hardware store on charles street). little fucking handle shopping bags from generica places like pottery barn or banana fucking republic or wherever are not a substitute. we don't want to look at all your shit flying all over the neighborhood, nor do we want all your bud light cans rolling down the street. also, permit me to point out that it is also unacceptable to DROP YOUR TRASH FROM YOUR APARTMENT WINDOW to the curb. [sigh] i REALLY shouldn't have to point out the obvious, but this advice is based on things i've actually witnessed.
2) PETS. ask yourself: have i ever shouted "WOOHOO" at the top of my lungs past midnight on a thursday evening in an otherwise perfectly quiet neighborhood? did i feel cool afterward? did my friends think i was cool, too? then you may not have a pet. if you insist on having a pet, at least pick a cat and keep it inside. "but i'm like, mature, n stuff. cant i, like, git a dog?" No. You may not. OK, so you got a dog. [sigh] when you walk it is NOT OK for it to go on the sidewalk. we're talking EITHER #1 OR #2 here people. and for fucks sake, please PICK UP THE #2 and TAKE IT AWAY. this ain't Paris, folks. "but i luvs them flag-wavin' surrender monkeys. cain't this be Paris?" No. it cannot. and if i see some of you pulling the ol' Dump N Run, believe me i am not above picking it up and flinging it at you from close range like a real monkey. seriously. grow the fuck up.
3) CARS. don't bring one. as i mentioned, we already dont like you, so parking your fucking camaro or whatever for weeks at a stretch does nothing to further endear you to the community. have mommy drop your ass off. evidence shows your parents are not exactly overburdened in the brainbox anyway, so OK, naturally you brought your fucking car. i guess you had to get here from west bumbfuck somehow. OK. deep breath. LEARN TO FUCKING PARALLEL PARK. six inches from the curb is about the MOST you should be. practice. bang up your neighbors' cars in west bumbfuck. also, MOVE YOUR FUCKING SHITBOX ON STREETCLEANING DAYS. i swear to god, the police should just bash everyones' cars with a baseball bat instead of handing out those pussy tickets. the irony is, ITS YOUR FUCKING TRASH THEY'RE TRYING TO CLEAN UP. not only did you put it there, you're keeping them from picking up after you. you think this is a fucking game, dont you.
let's see. what other gems do i have for you.
4) BICYCLES/SCOOTERS. not much to say here, other than any guy with a scooter clearly has some masculinity issues and should seek therapy. oh, i know what i wanted to mention. those pretty wrought-iron fences around the trees we have here? and the quaint gas-burning streetlights? and the few living trees we have here? DONT LOCK YOUR FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BIKE TO THEM. THEY ARE NOT BIKE RACKS, PLACED HERE FOR YOUR FUCKING SCHWINN, OKAY? i'm gonna get me one o them really big skilsaw things and go around the entire hill and free all the trees and fences and lampposts (i may have to practice an extra bit on the scooters i find - handlebars? what handlebars?)
so, to summarize:
trash: bags. monday. wednesday. friday. only.