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This christmas my list includes what I'd like for others to have, not because I am selfless and giving, but because if these people had what I wish for them, my life would be so much better. So Santa, when you get this please keep in mind that i've been a very good girl this year - and by that I mean I have put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people so be generous and make everyone on this list's christmas dreams come true:
The angry mullet girl in my office would really like a new haircut. She would also like lithium, and to have her entire wardrobe set to flames.
The ex-Village People backup dancer from my spinning class would like some shorts that fit, and a shirt that covers his man-tits. And if you're feeing really generous, a membership to a new gym.
My ex-husband would like speech lessons. If I hear that mother fucker say "odviously" one more time I'm going to kill myself. Thank you, public schools for producing such a genious.
The guy in my office who whines about having to make a pot of coffee needs a blow job. His angry emails scream sexual frustration, and I've seen/talked to his wife ergo I fully understand his plight. But really, for everyones sake can you please find someone to help him out? He's not that bad looking....
The guy who I'm dating* wants a new alarm clock. One that doesn't go off every 12 minutes randomly blaring buzzing and music, and it would probably be a good idea for someone to give said guy lessons on how to use that alarm clock, as most likely it is user-error causing the problems with the current one. *please note the phrase "who i'm dating" is used with a bit of poetic license, as there has not specifically been a label put on our relationship just yet. We don't want to rush things, after all we've only known eachother for close to 2 years...but I digress...
My sister-in-law needs a life....something to distract her from constantly sending me emails about everything wrong with everyone else in my family. What part of disfunctional didn't you understand when you married my brother? The pot-smoking, lesbian, train-wreck sister (not me, the other one) was not something he sprung on you after the wedding - so why do you act like its such a surprise now?
Tha above sister in law would also like a tube of lipstick and a hairbrush. Oh what the hell, throw in some new overalls to replace the ones she's worn every day since she was pregnant with my now 9 year old neice.
Please bring my neighbors a divorce. The scream at eachother for 4 hours every sunday night like clockwork, and frankly the people at my office don't appreciate what I look like on Mondays after getting only 2 hours of sleep.
My daughter's karate instructor would like some duct tape. That is because he needs to put it over his mouth before he throws another sales pitch at my child about signing up for some new karate related nonsense that will cost me more money. In case you didn't realize it asshole, my kid doesn't have a job so all of her extra curricular activities are funded by yours truly and if you think for ten seconds you can convince me to give you more than the $150 a month you have already bilked me out of, you are sorely mistaken. The only reason I'm willing to throw the cash at you in the first place is that you are quite hot and I like seeing that part of your chest that the uniform doesn't cover. Perhaps if you'd be willing to teach the class shirtless and in shorts we could talk...but until then, my checkbook is closed.
The old guy I used to date on wednesdays would like a new cell phone, one that does not contain my number. Perhaps you could also find a way to explain to him that in retrospect, I realize that I only went out with him due to some self esteem issues I was having at the time and now the thought of him touching me makes my skin crawl. Maybe tell him I said thanks for teaching me that even lots of money can't make an unattractive, mean spirited person any more appealing.
The hot, tall, younger, black soul mate who broke my heart this summer during the cooling-off period with alarm clock guy above would like an STD - either that or some sort of disfiguring disease or injury.
Ok now I'll throw in the basics: world peace and an end to war and poverty would really be swell. Lets face it though, if the good folks in the Bush administration can't fix that stuff you sure as hell can't. So don't worry your chubby little head about that and focus on my list. And get rid of the elves - those dudes freak me out.