http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-06-03T19:03:56-05:00 2 daily http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/706729174.html please come pick up our gently used rocketship/boat/race car/fort/house/time machine. don't spend your 600 stimulus clams on your kids. give dubya the finger while you invest it and get them this!! <br> <br> it will be gone by thursday if no responses. i am 6'3" so it is obviously big enough to fly to the moon, cross the atlantic, win the indy 500, defend against invading raiders, do fake home remodeling projects, or travel back in time to tell your parents you don't want a crappy box. <br><br> <img src="706729174.jpg"> <br><br> <ul> <li> Location: south first and stassney <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-03T19:03:56-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/706729174.html rocketship/boat/race car/fort/house/time machine text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/616864088.html Dear Cat, <br> I have some issues with you right now that I would like to hash out. And now is as good a time as any with you laying over my arms while I am trying to type on the computer. You don't even look comfortable and you can't breathe lying like that with your butt higher up than your head but your brain is the size of a walnut so I will forgive you. <br> First of all, the litterbox. Is it your goal to poop on the rim of the box? Because if it is, bravo! Mission accomplished, you can stop now. You have proved your point. It is not funny anymore, and I have run out of sticks in the yard to clean it off with. The box is big enough, and you are still small, so don't even go there. <br> Now... making pointless, incessant noises. If I take something away from you because I am tired of hearing it scoot across the floor for the last 2 hours, it does not mean to go find something else to mess with. I mean really where do you find this stuff? A wad of paper? A bottle cap? Is that really that fun to play with? <br> I put things on the coffee table because I want them there. I do not want you to knock EVERYTHING off of the coffee table in one of your mindless "tearing ass through the house for no reason" adventures every single day. Once in a while, it is amusing. Every day, it's not that funny. <br> Your ass stinks. I mean REALLY stinks. Like the worst poop you've ever smelled. Why do you smell soooo horrible? I thought cats were clean! I have never experienced this smelly, stinky cat phenomena with any other cat on this Earth. Why, God, did you give me the most stinky cat in this solar system? And Cat, why do you insist on showing me your ass? I know it stinks, but what am I supposed to do about it? Bathe you??? LOL! Remember the last time that happened? I still have the scars... Also, when you sit on my arm, please have the kindness to put your tail over your butthole so it doesn't come into contact with my skin. I might catch something. <br> Lastly, I am allergic to you. I know this isn't your fault, but knowing this, why do you insist on rubbing the whole length of your body on my face? Okay... I just pulled a CATHAIR out of my eye. No wonder my eyes are itchy if you are purposefully depositing your dander into my eyes! What are you trying to prove here? That you know I'm stuck with you? While you're busy carrying things about the house in your mouth to deposit them into some area that I haven't discovered yet- would you mind bringing me a peice of sandpaper to me so that I can alleviate the itching you've caused me? Oh- while we're on this subject, I need my hair ties back- I know you have them. Thanks. <br> <br><br> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-24T12:02:28-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/616864088.html Dear Cat, text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/603080295.html Mom, I know you’re out there, reading this. <br> <br> How do I know you’re out there? <br> <br> Let’s begin with that ad of mine that you recently responded to, shall we? You know the one I’m talking about. It was entitled, “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?—m4w--22” That ad ran for three days before I got a response, and I can’t tell you, Mom, how my heart fell when I saw the photo that accompanied the response. It was your Realtor’s headshot, the one on your business card. Even worse was the text of your response. I’m so, so sorry I know now what you’d do to me if we ever “hooked up.” On the other hand, Dad must’ve been a very, very lucky guy back in the day. I dunno, maybe he still is. <br> <br> I guess, Mom, when I think a bit about it, that I should resign myself to whatever it is that you are doing. After all, you’re an adult and I’m an adult. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life. <br> <br> But Mom, I’d like to raise a few points. <br> <br> The first point I’d like to raise is that you’re still married to Dad. Please, please PLEASE tell me that you have his blessing. My mind is reeling now, hoping that you’re not the people who posted “Fun Couple Looking For Others—MW4MW—57” I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that it is you. Now that I know you’re cruising CE, I suspect that there aren’t too many other 57 year old swingers from the Westlake area posting on Craigslist. <br> <br> The second point I’d like to raise is that you owe it to whoever you’re trying to hook up with to be honest. I mean, I lived with you and Dad for 18 years. You’re not that fun. <br> <br> Finally, I’d like you to stop responding to my “College Stud Needs a MILF—m4w—22” ads. The only one who should find you to be MILF-y at all is Dad. For me, you are just an “M”. Got it? <br> <br> Your son. <br> <br> PS. I’m going to swing by at around 7-7:30-ish to do a load of wash, is that okay? I tried to call you at the office, but they kept telling me that you’re busy. <br> <br><br> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Austin <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-11T16:38:03-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/603080295.html Mom, I know you're there. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/594971717.html Allright folks...I have this lovely, amazing rug made hade out of my evil ex-fiance's favorite shirts! My idea was this...I would cut them up and sew them together in order to make a mat to place under my cat's litter box. Seemed pretty deserving, right? But then I thought...when my ex left me for a 19 year old hussy, really he ditched Tony Montana (my awesome cat) as well, and Tony shouldn't have to walk on the ex's shirt day in and day out (even if it is only to do his kitty "business"). <br> <br> SO! I am offering you all a piece of history. This rug was made from 3 of my ex's most prized shirts, including an old school Beastie Boys shirt he got at a concert years ago. It really is something, and I spent a lot of time making it, so I don't want it to go to waste. <br> <br> What do I want in return? Well, I'm pretty broke. Our breakup left me essentially pennyless, but whatever. I'm willing to accept anything in return (extra points if YOU have a tshirt rug made from your evil ex's shirt that you would like to trade). Here's the catch though...you have to promise to abuse this rug. I mean straight up abuse it. Make it a front door mat so everyone can wipe their feet on it. Put it under your cat's litter box. Hang it on the wall and throw offensive things at it...I don't care. But if you could send me a photo of the rug once you've had your filthy way with it, I would be much obliged :D <br> <br> This is a small photo of the rug in question. It is quite large, and if you want, I have a couple more shirts of his that I would gladly attatch to this rug, making it much larger. If you would like a better photo, please just ask, and I will send one your way. But please, serious offers only. This is a work of art, and I am quite proud of it. <br> <br> If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br> <br> <img src="594971717.jpg"> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Austin -->Location: Austin <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-04T05:20:01-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/594971717.html Awesome handstitched rug made from ex's fave shirts. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/582393674.html When you had a small group over for bbq at your place I pretended I didn't notice the tortilla chips had ants all over them and ate them anyway. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of your friends and make them question the sanitary quality of the food they were about to eat. Now that I have gotten absolutely nowhere with you I deeply regret this decision. <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br> <br> <img src=582393674.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=east -->Location: east <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-21T21:27:47-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/582393674.html I can't believe I ate ants for you - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/578970987.html I was trying desperately to pay attention/stay awake during the lecture on Saturday, when, much to my surprise, I was visited by an erection. Not just any erection, but my very own. How could this possibly be happening in such a benign and sterile environment? The break rolled around. Time to get up, very cautiously, at that, collect my seemingly uncontrollable libido and refocus my attentions on...basically anything besides my package. Lo and behold, as we reconvened, again I was struck with the terror I haven't felt since I was sixteen years old. My only conclusion is that ovulation had someone spitting olfactory arousal like a garden sprinkler. Please, do me, and my member, a favor the next time your uterus is screaming for seed; wear a sweater, or latex panties, or a cellophane body suit. Anything to keep your hormonal telekinesis under wraps.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-19T01:18:22-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/578970987.html Pheromone Assault - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/558260167.html I'm a fabulously wealthy photographer / artist making money hand over fist. Here's what I need: <br> <br> A mechanic to overhaul my custom '57 Chevy. <br> A maid to clean my house on a regular basis <br> A doctor to perform some minor surgery on me. <br> A band to perform theme music for me where ever I go. <br> A carpenter and electrician to build an extra wing on my sweet house in East Austin. <br> A nanny to watch my spoiled kids. <br> <br> Of course there will be no pay involved. In return for your services you will get FULL CREDIT on my website, AND you can add all of this work to your PORTFOLIO! If you ask me, this is an absolutely awesome deal! <br> <br> I hope to have you work for me soon!<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=ATX -->Location: ATX <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> <!-- CLTAG compensation=Compensation in the form of starvation! -->Compensation: Compensation in the form of starvation! <!-- CLTAG paynopay=forpay --></ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-31T09:28:23-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/558260167.html Seeking hardworking service providers... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/512094195.html Okay, look: I know there's been a lot of buildup. All those sloppy drunken looks, rubbing thighs on beer-soaked couches, me all dopey-smiley watching you roll around on the floor and scream for your band. One time you showed up unexpectedly at a party, and I Febrezed myself in the bathroom so you would think I smell pretty. We go together like bacon and eggs. Like hookers and blow. <br> <br> And then, finally, I mustered up the ovaries to openly proposition you. We rolled around in bed for a while. I fumbled for the goods, and scha-BLAM! Your next generation, all over my hand. It was cool, though. We were excited. <br> <br> But this last time, we were relatively sober. I was in peak condition! I pulled my clothes off all slow-like, then crawled up the bed, making dick-happy noises, getting girl-juice on your leg. I had just enough Schlitz in my system to administer a truly impassioned blowjob without picking the lint from your belly button (it was distracting, but the sheer force of libido compelled me to let this slide). You got all thigh-quivery. I made my move. <br> <br> Slowly, I pried my mouth away from your kickstand and straddled you. Sweet Mother of God, did you ever feel good! I began to slowly grind, kissing your neck, my hand in your hair... <br> <br> When, all of a sudden, you picked me up by my hips and threw me. THREW me! I came crashing down on the bed to your left, a truly impressive mid-coital bodyslam. Cunthurt and bewildered, I am immediately turned to inquire, "What the fuck?" <br> <br> You responded by spraying your boy-goo all over my tummy! <br> <br> Okay, listen: I know I'm good at what I do. But three minutes is not acceptable. I've seen virginities come and go in faster time. And just going to sleep was pretty uncool, too. I'm a woman, and sex is a buyer's market for me. I shouldn't have to jerk off in my bathroom, fantasizing about the goddamn video store clerk while you sleep in my bed. <br> <br> You gotta step up your game, baby. Or I'll find another guy with dumb tattoos to annihilate my cervix for you. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-17T12:18:16-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/512094195.html My Missed Connection with Hard-Earned Cervical Annihilation. - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/453488653.html Latest offering smuggled from the former Soviet Union, this pick utilizes old Russian nuclear laser technology. Strap on the convenient Velcro micro-unit, plug into any 1200 Watt power supply, and aim the solar panels directly at the sun and dial in the guitar style of your choice. <br> From Chet Atkins to Duane Allman, guitar herodom is literally at your fingertips. The micro sensors process the bass and drum beats and submit a series of small electrical shocks directly into your nervous system causing you to involuntarily crank out searing leads. <br> A word of caution: actual electrical discharges my vary, and side affects could include erratic blues face, trembling of the hips commonly known as Presley syndrome, drooling and involuntary anal discharge. In extreme cases, you may be mistaken for a drummer. <br> Local sales only. Cash only. Contact your health care professional if erection last more than 6 hours. No scammers please. <br> <br> <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <p> <img src=453488653.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=South Austin -->Location: South Austin <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-19T09:08:16-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/453488653.html Frankenpick text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/452819425.html Hi... <br> <br> If your name is Roy, Troy or LeRoy...I WANT YOU! <br> <br> I was with a Roy before (please see photo) and it didn't last as long as my tattoo. Who knew? <br> <br> Getting the tattoo removed is not something I want to do, plus I'm so accustomed to bellowing it (Roy) out in bed. What can I say, I'm a creature of habit. <br> <br> If your name isn't Roy, or even a variation, but you can somehow find a way to incorporate it into my tattoo, I'm open to suggestions. <br> <br> About me: I'm 27, 5'4", 115 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes, freckles and looking for love (and a way to keep my tattoo). <br> <br> Thanks fellas, <br> <br> Dynah <br> <br> <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <img src=452819425.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-18T14:18:23-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/452819425.html Calling all Roys or Troys or LeRoys text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/419154651.html <i>or</i> <h3>A Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer</h3> <p> Suppose that you can go out with some number of guys, <i>n</i>. Assume that after going out with any number <i>r</i> (1 ≤ <i>r</i> ≤ <i>n</i>) of the men, you can rank them from most preferable (rank 1) to least preferable (rank <i>r</i>). At any stage, you can either stop and commit to one man, or go on to the next one. Further, assume that once a guy is rejected you can never go back. <p> For <i>i</i> = 1, …, <i>n</i>, let U(<i>i</i>) be the utility of selecting the guy with rank <i>i</i> among all <i>n</i> guys. We shall assume that U(1) ≥ U(2) ≥ … ≥ U(<i>n</i>). Let the random variable <i>X</i> denote the rank of the man that is selected. The goal is to find a rule with maximizes E(U(<i>X</i>)). <p> For <i>a</i> = 1, …, <i>r</i> and <i>r</i> = 1, …, <i>n</i>, let U<sup>*</sup>(<i>a,r</i>) denote the expected utility of the optimal continuation when <i>r</i> guys have been inspected and the <i>r<sup>th</sup></i> guy has been found to have a rank <i>a</i> among the <i>r</i>. Also, let U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,r</i>) denote the expected utility if the <i>r<sup>th</sup></i> man is selected, and dating is terminated. Since we fixed an <i>n</i>, <blockquote> U<sup>*</sup>(<i>a,n</i>) = U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,n</i>) = U(<i>a</i>) </blockquote> Now consider the probability than a man with rank <i>a</i> among the first <i>r</i> actually has rank <i>b</i> among all <i>n</i> men: <blockquote> <table> <tr> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">(</font></td> <td><i>b</i> – 1</td> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">)</font> × <font size="+3">(</font></td> <td><i>n</i> – <i>b</i></td> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">)</font> / <font size="+3">(</font></td> <td><i>n</i></td> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">)</font></td> </tr> <tr> <td><i>a</i> – 1</td> <td><i>r</i> – <i>a</i></td> <td><i>r</i></td> </tr> </table> </blockquote> The rank <i>b</i> must lie between the bounds <i>a</i> ≤ <i>b</i> ≤ (<i>n</i> – <i>r</i> + <i>a</i>). Therefore,<br> <blockquote> <table border="0" valign="middle"> <tr valign="bottom"> <td> </td> <td align="center"><font size="-1"><i>b</i>=<i>a</i></font></td> <td> </td> </tr> <tr valign="middle"> <td rowspan="2">U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,r</i>) =</td> <td align="center" rowspan="2"><font size="+3">∑</font></td> <td rowspan="2">U(<i>b</i>) <font size="+3">(</font></td> <td><i>b</i> – 1</td> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">)</font> × <font size="+3">(</font></td> <td><i>n</i> – <i>b</i></td> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">)</font> / <font size="+3">(</font></td> <td><i>n</i></td> <td rowspan="2"><font size="+3">)</font></td> </tr> <tr valign="middle"> <td><i>a</i> – 1</td> <td><i>r</i> – <i>a</i></td> <td><i>r</i></td> </tr> <tr valign="top"> <td> </td> <td align="center"><font size="-1"><i>n</i>–<i>r</i>+<i>a</i></font></td> <td> </td> </tr> </table> </blockquote> Clearly, after inspecting <i>r</i> guys, the expected utility of inspecting one more and continuing optimally is <blockquote> <table> <tr valign="bottom"> <td></td> <td><font size="-1"><i>b</i>=1</font></td> <td></td> </tr> <tr> <td>1/(<i>r</i>+1) ×</td> <td align="center"><font size="+3">∑</font></td> <td>U<sup>*</sup>(<i>b</i>, <i>r</i>+1)</td> </tr> <tr> <td></td> <td><font size="-1"><i>r</i>+1</font></td> <td></td> </tr> </table> </blockquote> Call this expression <i>Z</i>. From this, we can see that U<sup>*</sup>(<i>a,r</i>) = max(U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,r</i>),<i>Z</i>). The optimal procedure is to continue if U<sup>*</sup>(<i>a,r</i>) > U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,r</i>), and to commit when U<sup>*</sup>(<i>a,r</i>) = U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,r</i>) <p> Now, consider the choice of utility function. Assume a spherical cow. Also, assume that U(1) = 1, and U(<i>b</i>) = 0 for <i>b</i> = 2, …, <i>n</i>. Then U<sub>0</sub>(1,<i>r</i>) = <i>r</i>/<i>n</i>, and U<sub>0</sub>(<i>a,r</i>) = 0 <i>a</i> = 2, …, <i>r</i>. Note that this is a fair approximation for the case of a soulmate. Then U<sup>*</sup>(1,<i>r</i>) = <i>r</i>/<i>n</i>, and should be continued if U<sup>*</sup>(1,<i>r</i>) > <i>r</i>/<i>n</i>. <p> It then follows that the optimal procedure is to go out with 1/<i>e</i> of the guys, and then select the first one thereafter which has rank 1. <p> Now, if <i>n</i> isn’t fixed, utility can be maximized by maximizing <i>n</i>. I’m a guy. QED. <p> An alternate proof can be constructed by assuming we’re both Bayesian reasoners, that disagreements about priors are irrational, and that my priors are rational. The proof is left as an exercise to the reader. <p> <img src="419154651.jpg"><!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Austin -->Location: Austin <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-10T18:59:36-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/419154651.html Why we should hang out: a mathematical proof text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/406565098.html Dear Bi-curious Drunk Girls, <br> <br> I have something I need to get off my chest. While it's been fun, the kissing and making out and such, something's got to give. You see, I know the minute you start talking about how you "like girls, too", or "think about women a lot" that you're eventually going to ask me to kiss you. I don't mind this at all. In fact, I generally enjoy it. Where I start having a problem is when I try to decide just <i>how drunk</i> you are. <br> <br> I mean, I've been there, drunk that is. And I've been taken advantage of a time or two in that inebriated state. And while I'll be the first to admit I can be a real asshole at times, I try not to take advantage of other people. I consider nailing a girl who's had a few too many "taking advantage". Even if she acts like that's what she wants. Even if she drunk dials me an hour later. You know you didn't leave anything in my car. <br> <br> I'm just asking for a little help here. So today, while you're relatively sober, this is what I want you to do: <br> <br> Give me written permission. <br> <br> That's right, put it on paper. Say "I (fill in the blank), being of sound and sober mind, give permission to the next hot dyke I hit on to nail me soundly. Sincerely, (fill in the blank again)." Then make sure you take it with you the next time you head out to get shit-faced. <br> <br> It's that simple. <br> <br> It will make me feel better about doing what I want to do anyway, which is you. <br> <br> Sincerely, <br> <br> An ethical, but sexually frustrated queer<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-26T14:57:07-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/406565098.html An Open Letter to Bi-curious Drunk Girls text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/360420731.html We were the girls sitting at the booth across from you at Wanfu about an hour ago. You were there alone with a girl, possible girlfriend? It sounded like she was breaking up with you or telling you she wasn't interested. We weren't prying -- she was a loud talker. Towards the end, you let out 3 bellowing farts. I thought it was the booth after the first one, but then you let loose the following 2. I'm sorry we laughed so hard after that, but I just could not believe what we heard. Very shortly after the.. noises.. you got up and left. I just hope I have the courage to let my bowels loose with an echoing noise of displeasure next time I hear something I don't appreciate. <br> <br> by the way -- i think you might have been kinda cute, but i can't remember what exactly you looked like. i couldn't stop laughing long enough to look up when you left<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Wanfu Too -->Location: Wanfu Too <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-25T23:35:57-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/360420731.html Wanfu Date Farts - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/323013997.html Sorry, I don't have anything to post about layoffs or politics, but I DO have another story from the Public Bathroom. Enjoy. <br> <br> You are my arch nemisis. I see you wandering around as I go about my IT Computer Nerd business: Tall. Middle Eastern. Pot Belly. We catch each others eye every now and then and give each other a slight nod. I know you, I know what you do and I am on to your games. <br> <br> I saw you this morning, we made eye contact. You nodded and took another bite of whatever Death-Ass producing garbage you fuel up on that makes the bathroom, smell like the inside of a dead monkey's colon, and nodded at me. I got you this time, fucker. <br> <br> I give you my icey grin and nod back, then hurry back to my office. It's almost noon, and that's the time you like to run to the toilet and preform your daily ASS JIHAD on all the people just trying to wash their hands. Maybe in your country there is no commen sense that would tell you that lunch time = hand wash time. People want to get clean and eat, not be fumigated with the high octane liquid shit attack you subjigate them too. <br> <br> But I got you this time. Yeah fucker I GOT SOMETHING COOKING UP FOR YOU! Two egg sandwiches with cheese. Greasy sausage patties. A couple glasses of Tang. Some leftover Chinese food. A Twix. Root Beer Soda. Some steamed brocoli I had in the fridge. A Hot Pocket with peperonni and cheese. A Chocolate Poptart. And like a cherry on top ... a McDonald's Quaterpounder with cheese. <br> <br> I never eat this shit, it's all greasy and fucking nasty, but today is the day I fight back. I go out for a quick mile jog and almsot die. My stomach feels like there are two midgets fighting to the death inside there. I walk back to work, ass clenched tighter than a virgin's thighs at Church. <br> <br> Great. The hot chick from next door wants to chat. She assumes the sweat on my face and arms is from running. She doesn't realize that it's a cold sweat induced by my severe sphicter trauma. She finally shuts up and I stagger to the Death Ass Arena. <br> <br> You are there already in your favorite stall: The one right next to the fucking sinks. You stupid, socially retarded fuck. Fine. You have yet to begin your daily purge of Middle Eastern Ass Stew. I enter the stall next to you and drop my pants in preperation of the upcomming battle. <br> <br> Your opening slavo is fired: A sloppy wet fart with a solid-shot closer. I laugh and show you the power of Advanced American Foodstuffs. <br> <br> The tuba fart I unleash echos off the walls and shrinks my waistline about an inch. The guy at the urinal laughs as I slap the wall between you and I and say "Back to YOU, Kajid!". You are silent, I assume you know who I am and that the time has come for us to battle. I know you are summoning your intestinal fortitude for full out war. <br> <br> You do not dissapoint me. <br> <br> With a hissing "SSSShhhhhzzzzzzzzz!" you squirt out a deadly spray of ass juice that pollutes the air and makes my head swim. The pisser at the urinal is no longer laughing, he quickly zips up and runs for the door. He did not stop to wash his hands, instead opting to head for the hills. I cover my mouth and nose with my shirt and the black spots dissapear from my vision. My head clears. I am ready. <br> <br> "AAaaaaaaaRRRRRGGGHHH!" I yell, as I drop Big Tim. That's short for "Big Timber" ... AKA "Mississippi Butt Log". <br> <br> Quick-fire farts stutter out of my ass, as I push the monster log from the Shit Dimension into our reality. The beefy, yeasty stench easily overpowers the Indian Ass Gutter oder of your previous attack. Mega Turd hits the water in the bowl with a mighty splash, the reek is that of a dead whale slowly ripening in the hot, tropical sun. I catch my breath and wipe my brow, and start to pat myself on the back. I should have known the battle was not over. <br> <br> The only thing I can think of is that you must has completly unzipped your ass to your elbow. That's the only way I could begin to explain the lumpy, creamy splashs falling out of your ass into the toilet. It sounds like you are pouring a gallon of strawberry shake with whole strawberries in it into the shitter. I see the hairs on my arms start to curl from the horrid stench wafting up from under your stall. I shudder and sway on my throne, unsure if I will survive. <br> <br> I have no choice. I must employ the Deal Breaker. I hunker down and clench my hands together. My fingers twitch and entwine like a nest of snakes, almost like I am running through a series of ancient Ninja Hand Symbols. My feet lift up onto the toes and my legs start to shake. <br> <br> "You want to play??" I growls. A low moaning comes from my stomach, like a dinosaur calling into a swampy, foggy night. "YOU GOT IT! AAAAAAHHHHHH!" <br> <br> Like Cloud summoning The Knights of the Round in Final Fantasy 7, I summon the Excalibur of Turd Demons to destroy my enemy. Hot magma-like shit rockets out of my ass, releasing a noxious, sticky cloud of deadly recal perfume. I hear you gag and see your feet shuffle around, but you can't get away, can you? No. You can't. <br> <br> Veins throb on my neck and temples as the turd monster tears itself from my bowels. My lips skin back from my now clenched teeth and I try not to scream. Your roll of toilet paper rolls into my stall. You must have torn it from the wall with numb fingers in an attempt to "Wipe and Scoot". Too late. MUCH too late! <br> <br> Oders pound you with merciless fists: Rotten Fruitcake stuffed with boiled chicken assholes. Hammered shit-logs served on a bed of week old white rice. Rosie O'Donnel's racid crotch farts. The smell of your mom's dank, hairy Middle Eastern armpits. <br> <br> Your stall door bangs open and you stagger out. You take three unsteady steps to the door and can barely open it wide enough to slip out. I laugh at you before you leave. "Yeah! RUN, Fucker!" I yell, and laugh again. You say nothing. <br> <br> It's all over except for the clean up. Fuck with me again, you shit filled Anal Terrorist. Me and my ass will be waiting.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Public Bathroom -->Location: Public Bathroom <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-02T13:25:57-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/323013997.html True Story: Battle Asses. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/315726255.html Mattress, Box Spring, Bed Frame and I met 8 months ago when I was new to Austin. They were new themselves, not just to Austin, but to life as the makings of a Twin bed set in general. We met at ACL; more specifically in the H-E-B Zilker Beach Playground. The four of us were sitting on plastic Adirondack chairs, enjoying the misting fans and watching Wolf Parade perform on the nearest stage, when some ACL volunteer came up and gruffly told us to get out of the playground. <br> <br> Well, what could we do? All four of us knew we were in the wrong. There were signs were plastered everywhere: “Children and Parents Only”. We all pretended otherwise, though, offering sheepish apologies and pleading ignorance as we filed out of the snow-fenced area. Out once again among the sweaty masses, Mattress started laughing quietly to himself. Box Spring smiled and chuckled, and soon a comradely was formed around our shared exile from the kiddy oasis. <br> <br> From there, we ended up hitting it off famously. We hung out together until well past Van Morrison that night, doing the Sixth street thing and ending it all at Kirby Lane. I asked if they had a place to crash for the night and none of them did. The rest, as they say, is history. <br> <br> As I ready myself for my move back to New York, I grow teary-eyed at the prospect of leaving such good friends behind as Mattress, Box Spring, and Bed Frame. I promised to help them find a new place, so here they are, your three new best friends! <br> <br> A) Here’s Mattress, making another one of his world-class vegetarian meals. Mattress graduated from the New England Culinary Institute at Montpelier among the top of his class. While he is knowledgeable in nearly all the food arts, he holds his specialty in dessert pastries, particularly Hungarian Nut Rolls. <br> <br> B) There’s ‘ole Box Spring, at it again on the weight bench. Just off camera to the right is Box Spring’s ancient boom box, which has only known the love of two CD’s: The Best of Van Halen, volumes I and II. It’s not that he doesn’t like other music; he just finds it pumps him up while he’s pumping up. We know he’s moved on to the free weights because you can hear “Panama” all the way in the kitchen. <br> <br> C) Bed Frame insisted that I use this picture of him posing with his prized moose head, even though I told him it might not endear him to certain craigslist viewers. Innocent moose slaughter aside, Bed Frame is a great guy. He spends his days as an LPN at Shady Pines Nursing Home and most nights at the local Boys and Girls Club teaching basketball fundamentals to underprivileged youth. He’s a real three-point specialist, but as you might imagine he’s a bit porous on defense. <br> <br> <br> When I asked them what they thought they were worth, they told me they retail for $240. They recognize they’re no spring chickens, but they keep themselves in immaculate condition and figured they’re still worth about $99 or thereabouts, negotiable. And that’s without all the intangibles that make them such great companions. <br> <br> <br> D) Look, it’s Mattress, Box Spring and Bed Frame, out on the patio for their Sunday afternoon ritual, “Coffee, Confections and Conversation!” It looks like there’s room for one more at the table today. Could that spot be reserved…for you? <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <p> <img src=315726255.a.jpg> <img src=315726255.b.jpg><br> <img src=315726255.c.jpg> <img src=315726255.d.jpg><br> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG dealerCheck=owner -->This item has been posted by-owner. <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=South Lamar -->Location: South Lamar <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-20T18:29:21-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/315726255.html Meet Your Three New Best Friends! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/314979450.html You are not supposed to park where you do – at any time of the day. I consider myself a reasonably nice person that is why you haven’t been ticketed, towed, etc. However, today I draw the line. You have been parking your ugly car in front of my house every Monday through Thursday since January fairly regularly. You are blocking my view of the street. <br> <br> Perhaps you have merely overlooked the rather larger sign stating the rules for parking in this area whilst concentrating on maneuvering your car perfectly into position; and if that is the case, please, allow me to clarify: There is NO Parking (here) at any time except with an area 14 residential permit. This is a college town and parking is a nightmare, I know. However I presume that your reading skills are not what is at fault here. You think you are being really clever (by avoiding having to purchase a school permit or ride the bus).You know that APD has more important things to do then worry about petty parking crimes and you probably assumed that no one would care. This is WRONG. You are allowed to park permit-free further up the street should you feel the need, but this is a more residential area where “real” people live with their children and would rather you didn’t park wherever and drive around at all hours of the day . . . which leads me to my next point. <br> <br> DO NOT boff some girl in said car in front of my house, parked illegally on my street, under a freakin street lamp. This is college town, did you think no one would see? I mean seriously dude. If you were that horny, perhaps you should have moved to the backseat – that would have prevented repeated honking of the horn. I would have never even known what was going on if my walls weren’t so thin and the honking so regular (my god who goes on like that for well over an hour on a well lit street in front of a stranger’s house?). <br> <br> I don’t really care if you have to have sex in your car because you still live at home with mom and dad, I just want to enjoy a peaceful honk-free evening in the serenity of my own home. I do hope you understand this. <br> <br> If this car (and surrounding area) look familiar to you (see pic.) . . . please, please, please park somewhere . . . anywhere else. <br> <br> P.S. You look like you’re 12 years old. <br> <br> Oh yeah and Thank You. I don’t think I will ever be able to own a Toyota. As far as I could tell from the violent rocking of your car, they seem poorly constructed and well quite frankly, now they remind me of you. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <p> <img src=314979450.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-19T15:21:12-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/314979450.html To the guy who had sex last night in front of my house text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/237124198.html I think I'm just far enough away that you can't hear me talking this to my computer. I use a software that types for me, and it is finally well enough calibrated that it gets most things right the the the the the. Except laughing, apparently. <br> <br> Anyway, I think you are in a band and you are super cute. Hive seen you before at Longbranch and Beauty Bar. I can't tell if you are out of hearing range of me and thus oblivious to this live MC posting, or if I am just making you very uncomfortable and you are can I get you another latte trying to ignore me. I will leave in the conversation my computer picked up from the waitress in case that will help you recognize me. <br> <br> You just slammed your old school apple laptop shut and grabbed your stuff and left, but I don't know if you were just done with whatever you were working on or if you have been hearing me all this time and either you finally just realized I was posting a missed connection about you or you finally just got too creeped out to stay any longer. <br> <br> I hope you are not creeped out. I know it would have been less creepy if I had typed this instead of saying it all out loud while looking directly at you, but I just got this software a couple of weeks ago for multitasking and now I can't help but use it all the time. Want to get coffee some time?<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=a table away from you -->Location: a table away from you<br> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-19T12:43:34-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/237124198.html You might be creeped out. It's talk and type software - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/192659778.html <p>Okay.  So I'm at work, being bored and hungry.  I decided to order a pizza.  I order the pizza, wait the 45 minutes and finally the pizza arrrives!  (halleluja plays in the background)  I sign for the pizza and it's all mine.  I take the box.  Oh, the glorious smell of Papa John's.  How I love thee.  I open the box.  Hmm.  Somethings missing from my pizza.  The sausage?  No.  The tomatoes perhaps?  Nope.  Maybe...the cheese?  What, are you silly?  No.  No.  No.  Not sausage or tomatoes or cheese.  You know what's missing from my pizza?  A WHOLE FUCKING SLICE!!!  And I know you're thinking "You've gotta be shitting me" because that's how every single person that has heard about this has reacted.  No.  I'm not kidding.  A whole god-dammed slice was missing from my pizza.</p> <p>And just in case you don't believe me, here's a re-creation of what I opened my pizza box to find...</p> <p align="center"><img style="WIDTH: 328px; HEIGHT: 423px" height="465" src="http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/412/untitledth2.png" width="412"></p> <p>So, I do what any red-blood American would do after discovering that their dilectable pseudo-italian concoction had be tampered with:  I call the manager of Papa John's.  </p> <p>Pizza Girl #1: Thank you for calling Papa John's.  Just to let you know we have a special.  Two large pizzas....</p> <p>Me:  I'm calling to complain.</p> <p>Pizza Girl: Oh?  What seems to be the problem.</p> <p>Me:  Well, my pizza got here and there's a slice missing.</p> <p>Pizza Girl:  Are you serious?</p> <p>Me:  As a heart-attack.  There's a whole slice...gone.</p> <p><em>Pizza Girl starts telling the manager about my situation.</em></p> <p><em>Pizza Girl:  She says there's a slice missing from here pizza.</em></p> <p><em>Manager:  What?  Are you serious.</em></p> <p><em>Pizza Girl: She says she's serious.</em></p> <p><em>The manager starts laughing hysterically.</em></p> <p>Manager:  Hello, ma'am?</p> <p>Me: Hi.</p> <p>Manager:  So, there's a slice *giggle* missing from your pizza?  *laughter*</p> <p>Me:  Yes.  I got the pizza, opened the box and there was a slice gone.</p> <p>Manager:  Well, how many slices does your pizza have?</p> <p>Me:  *pauses* You've gotta be fucking kidding me...SEVEN!  There are seven slices on an EIGHT slice pizza.  I am NOT RETARDED.  </p> <p>Okay.  I didn't say that, but I sure as hell thought it.</p> <p>Me:  There are 7 slices.</p> <p>Manager:  Oh.  Well, umm, I don't...this has never happened before.  So, it got there like that?</p> <p>Me:  <em>FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY...No. I ate the fucking slice of pizza and was like "oh, wtf. my slice of pizza is gone" Does she think I'm stoned? I don't sound stoned!!!    </em>Yes.  It got here like that.</p> <p>Manager:  Do you want us to send you another pizza?</p> <p>Now, this is where it gets tricky.  What am I to do?  At this point, I'm famished.  I need something to eat.  Should I wait another 45 minutes for another pizza?  Fuck no.</p> <p>Me:  Well, I'm sorta hungry now.</p> <p>Manager:  Well, how about I leave this credit on your account for a free pizza for your next order?</p> <p>Me:  Will it have all eight slices?</p> <p>Manager: *laughs*  Yes, it will have all eight.</p> <p>Me:  Okay.  Thanks.</p> <p>*CLICK*</p> <p>Alright.  So, the mystery of the mising slice goes unsolved, but I got a free pizza out of the deal.  I'm still wondering WTF happened to the 8th slice on this one.  Did some mysterious creature intercept my pizza in-transit, eat a slice, and then put it back in it's box?  Did the delivery person eat my slice?  Maybe it was the chef.  Maybe it was Colonel Mustard in the Library with a candlestick.  Damn that Colonel Mustard!  Well, to whoever you are, you pizza stealing son-of-a-bitch:  SCREW YOU!</p><!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Westlake -->this is in or around Westlake<br> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-10T20:16:26-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/192659778.html 7 out of 8 ain't bad... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/189413482.html This is the trendy term used to describe all items sold on CL. WTF? Did you never plop into bed or lay on the couch? No, of course not, this is CL where you "gently used" your shit, but it's somehow thrashed out when I come over and look at it. Oh and my personal favorite is the seller who takes the same fucking picture 15 feet away four times. No closups, no brand/model names and of course, no phone or location. The toilet paper I just flushed down the drain is gently used, but your couch and loveseat look like shit.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-02T17:47:27-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/189413482.html Gently Used text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/160230356.html Why are my vagina and I crying ourselves to sleep every night? Isn't this America, land of the be-a-woman-and-get-great-sex-anytime? I even have a button. Press it right, and sex will happen. Good sex. <br> <br> But do I really want to go through another terrible hook-up? Can I really take the horror of a rocker dude who's snorted too much blow to have a rock hard love wand? I didn't come over because I wanted to spend four hours coaxing a dong into cooperation. I wanted your sexual prowess to smack me into submission. <br> <br> How about trying out the older gent in hopes that, like everyone says, he has pleasing a woman all figured out? Not surprisingly, I found the old-man groaning to be too distracting for me to enjoy myself at all. And just because I'm young doesn't mean I'm going to call you Daddy. Cause that's gross. I already have a Daddy, and I don't want to be involved with his penis in any way. At all. <br> <br> Perhaps the charming friend could be a good partner. I still vote that sex with friends can work out...unless of course a) they want to shove their balls into my mouth to near-asphyxiation or b) they think that sleeping with me means that I suddenly want to receive love letters with lube enclosed. <br> <br> I'm a progressive, intelligent lady and don't expect people to adhere to old fashioned gender roles but DAMMIT MEN. BE MEN. <br> It's so easy. I'll stroke your penis as well as your ego, perhaps even intentionally squealing loudly so the neighbors will know of your manhood. I'll be a willing participant in any kinks. I'll wear a cheerleader outfit. I'll let you toss me around. I'll growl and bite and then raise my voice five octaves when I come (if you make me). Dammit I'll make you feel like a man. <br> <br> <br> All I expect of you is that you make me feel like a woman. That is, act like my vagina is the Arc of the Covenant. Sigh, moan, sweat, clench your teeth, rub, mumble curse words in disbelief. Let me know that being between my legs makes you want to bust in five seconds, but hold it until I'm all done. <br> <br> I'm going to get a margarita. <!-- img src --><!-- START CLTAGS --> <p> <img src=160230356.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Austin -->this is in or around Austin<br> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- <!-- CLTAG null -->it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-12T17:25:35-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/160230356.html Good lays are hard to find. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/159271352.html Fuck you, cleaning the fridge. How the hell do you get so dirty? I don't eat in there, I simply store food. What the fuck is that stain on the bottom shelf? Do gnomes have parties in here when I'm at work or something? Nasty little gnomes. And, for some reason, I feel really, really vulnerable when I'm bent over, scrubbing your gross shelves. Don't know why. So thank you for keeping my beer cold, but fuck you for making a mess of it. <br> <br> Fuck you, paying bills. Every goddamned month? Are you kidding me? I barely even watched TV this month, I still gotta shell out all that cash? And, while I'm at it, fuck your pathetic little late fees. They're small enough for me to easily ignore them but they add up over time. So thank you for the electricity, water and internet, but fuck you for your constant demands. <br> <br> Fuck you, deleting old porn to make room for new porn. What man can make this decision? It's like choosing which of my kids to leave behind on the sinking ship. Am I tired of that one slightly chubby girl who doesn't make much noise? Fuck, this is killing me. I hate my old ass computer. <br> <br> Fuck you, changing light bulbs. It's 2006, right? I was pissed when I wasn't issued a jetpack in 2000 (where's my fucking raygun?!?), but I figured by now technology would've at least advanced to the point where I don't have to stand on my wobbly chair and deal with this crap. Two bonus fuck yous: for scaring the crap out of me when I walk into a darkened room, innocently flick the switch and get momentarily blinded by that huge flash and terrifying pop! Also, for somehow convincing your lightbulb brethren to join you, causing a chain reaction that means I'm filled with fear whenever I turn on a light. Pop! Pop! Pop! What, did you all join in a suicide pact while I was asleep? <br> Bastards. <br> <br> Fuck you, washing dishes. Yes, I know, you smell funny, and I know the longer I wait, the more weird slime stuff is just gonna accumulate on you. That's why I've pretty much switched to just using paper plates (fuck you, environment) and eating with my hands. I'm a caveman in an apartment. <br> <br> Finally, fuck you, writing this rant.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- <!-- CLTAG null -->it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-10T00:18:48-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/159271352.html Fuck you, chores text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/147173269.html Now here's a winner that generated a lot of attention, but sat in my back yard for yet another week due to everybody who emailed me being a part of the shadow conspiracy designed to not come by the house and take the bike away. <br> <br> It's really not that much of a piece of crap. In fact, at thirty dollars, it's the best bike on this site. You can't hardly get a seat post for thirty dollars on CL, cause they're all made out of magic and will turn your fixed gear into a weightless rocket sled that gives head and has cruise control. <br> <br> But now you can. It's yours for exactly thirty dollars if you come get it THIS SATURDAY. Or any other day, really, but I'd like to emphasize Saturday cause I'll be around most of the day. You don't need to email me to ask where I live, if I still have it, or if you can come look at it some time next week cause you work all the time. Just start your car and email me your phone number so I can tell you how you can be the owner of the finest piece of crap for thirty bucks on Craigs list. Go look. It's also the ONLY bike for thirty bucks on CL. So that's your lucky number. Otherwise, good luck on the seatpost. <br> <br> Besides, you'll save heaps of bus fare by riding this pile. It's an old Magna, which easily translates into "peice of crap" to most biker people with fancy socks, but to you, it's wheels. <br> <br> The grip shifters work flawlessly, the brakes are good, the whole bike's pretty solid. The seat's looked better, the pedals are different, the back tire is from some other bike that a woman left in my yard one day after she got frustrated and abandoned it on her way home. From what I hear, she pushed it out of the moving car as she sped off away from the park down the street. But that's just the rear wheel in this scenario (Magnadrive). Not the whole Magna. <br> <br> But damned if the whole bike doesn't kick ass. It even manages to look half decent. I might even take less than thirty dollars for it if you can make up a good enough story or convince me that you're poorer than I am. Good luck with that, though. I'd trade the thing for the right bag of groceries, honestly, cause that's where the money's going anyway. <br> <br> Thanks. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <p> <img src=147173269.1.jpg> <img src=147173269.2.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=NW -->this is in or around NW<br> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- <!-- CLTAG null -->it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-01T02:01:57-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/147173269.html Still trying to sell this piece of crap text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/140453529.html Person 1: I have a serious question/problem/rant/rave. <br> <br> Person 2: I have a serious response to your question/problem/rant/rave. <br> <br> Persons 3-15: I have some stupid one-liner, which includes the words "fucktard" "asshat" and/or "cumdumpster," that will razz person one and/or person two because I'm bored and have nothing better to do. <br> <br> Persons 16-27: I have some stupid one-liner, which includes the words "fucktard" "asshat" and/or "cumdumpster," plus an overused photo of balls/cum/guns/fat naked chicks to really razz person one, person two, and also persons 3-15, because I'm bored and have nothing better to do. <br> <br> Persons 28-46: Hey persons 16-27, you stole my photos. Don't be a thief. And by the way, here is a new pic of a tranny with Charlie's head to make you think twice about stealing my photos in the future. <br> <br> Persons 47-68: I think persons 3-46 are idiots and this board is pathetic. <br> <br> Person 69: I think persons 3-68 are all Lord Chaos, and he's ruining this once fabulous board. <br> <br> Person 70: Reality check, this board was never "fabulous." Fag. <br> <br> Person 71: The real Lord Chaos here, bow before me. <br> <br> Person 72: ROT here, sorry I haven't posted in a few hours, but aliens were probing my ass. <br> <br> Persons 73-75: I often read this board, but I never post, however today's board is so lame that I have to post about it, thus proving that I'm better than all who came before me. <br> <br> Person 76: I like to suck cock. <br> <br> Person 77: Corpus? <br> <br> Person 78-93: Corpus is a whore. All women are whores. So why haven't I been laid since that Kingdom Come show in '89. <br> <br> Person 94: All women are not whores. I am a woman and I own a house on land and I am not a whore. <br> <br> Person 95: No, you're just an ugly bitch. Bitch. <br> <br> Person 96: I have an embarrassing photo of person 71. Want to see? <br> <br> Person 97: I challenge person 71 to a duel at dawn at Deep Eddy, where no one (including myself) will show up. <br> <br> Person 98-99: Where is Deep Eddy? <br> <br> Person 100: Hiram has prepared a meal. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-09T13:07:59-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/140453529.html Austin Rants & Raves In a Nutshell text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/135744279.html I have a set of 6 "Faces of Jesus Collector's Plates" and I believe they are ruining my life. They were given to me by a very religious neighbor as a Christmas present. Ever since then, I've been having a stream of bad luck. Shortly there after, I broke off with my boyfriend, got a job transfer to a place I hate, had a bird poop on my head, AND I have remained celibant since the day I received those plates. That's right, ladies and gentlemen: I haven't gotten laid. I believe that by having these plates in my closet, and refusing to display them, I have created this ill luck for myself. Why don't I display them, you ask? That's because they creep me out. So, I figure the only way to clear up my karma is to give them away to someone who would proudly display them. <br> <br> Please, serious inquiries only. We are talking about my life, ESPECIALLY my sex life. Please do not respond if you plan on damaging them or using them in manner in which they are not meant to be used. If so, you will get horrible karma. Jesus doesn't play around. <p> <img src=135744279.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-21T11:26:58-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/135744279.html PLEASE take my Jesus Plates text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/125583198.html It has been less than a month since I broke up with my boyfriend, and it has been that long since I've gotten any sexual action. I'm not complaining. I've gone far longer without sex, and I'm sure there are many of you out there that have as well. In an effort to avoid sexual casualties, I'm not having meaningless, frivolous sex. I shall abstain. <br> <br> There is something about having sex on a daily basis, and then suddenly not having it anymore. It does something to you. It changes you. It's like having a cup of coffee twice a day, and then not having it anymore. You get headaches, right? So what happens when I don't get my daily dose of penis? Well, I've noticed the following series of maladies: <br> <br> 1. IRRITABILITY- Suddenly I'm aware of how annoying Eva Longoria is. I don't know what it is. Maybe it is the fact that she is representing us Latin actresses, but cannot seem to get a role that doesn't require her to be a "sex pot". What does that say about our culture? Where are the roles with substance? I know there are intelligent roles for Latin women, but there are few. I'm irritated. <br> <br> In addition, my impatience in everything is increasing. I was in line at the grocery store, and I was watching some kid tying his shoes for fifteen minutes. I almost lunged at him and tied them myself. Those two minutes I spend waiting for my cup-o-soup to heat up in the microwave are interminable. I attritute this new impatience and irritability to my celibacy. <br> <br> 2. BLURRED VISION- Does that sign say "slow for pedestians" or "glow on partisans"? I have dubbed the nickname "squinty." Do I need a stronger prescription of glasses? Would that cure the double vision? It can't be age related. I'm only 21. I shall attribute this new blurred vision to my celibacy. <br> <br> 3. SEXUAL SYMBOLISM - Everything around me has a sexual connotation. Is it just me, but is Marge Simpson's hair do a phallic symbol? George W. Bush's face looks like a vagina. Trees? Phallic. Pumping gas into my car? Oh so sexual. Skyscrapers? Phallic. Hotdogs? Phallic. Even my neighbor looks like a walking penis with his shaven head. I attribute this to my celibacy. <br> <br> 4. INCORRECT GRAMMAR- You cannot imagine how many times I've spell checked this document. Is it spelled "grammar" or "grammer"? Do I use a comma or a semi-colon? I've never had this problem before. I attribute any occurences of incorrect grammar to my celibacy. <br> <br> 5. GERIATRIC MAGNETISM- Suddenly, everywhere I go I'm surrounded by old people. I'm talking about 70+. I don't have a problem with senior citizens, but I find it a strange occurence that they navigate towards me. Hell, I was at a club on college night last Thursday, and there was Sean Connery looking fellow standing beside me. WTF??? It's as if they can sense the unuse of genitalia and they think I'm one of them. I attribute this new geriatric magnetism to my celibacy. <br> <br> 6. THE DESIRE TO OWN A CAT - That homeless tabby looks so cute. Maybe I'll take him in. What? Wait a damn minute. . .I'm allergic! Why the hell do I suddenly want a cat? I shall attribute this strange desire to my celibacy. <br> <br> 7. DRIVING AT A SLOWER SPEED- I've always been a speed demon on the road, but lately I've been having old ladies in Lincoln Towncars pass me while giving me the finger. 80 miles an hour on the highway? No siree Spongebob! I drive at a solid 60 mph now. Why? I don't know, but I'll go ahead and attribute my slower speed to my celibacy. <br> <br> 8. KNITTING- I'm sitting in front of my television watching a riveting episode of House. I look down. There is a ball of yarn on my lap and I'm holding two needles. How did the yarn get there? And when did I learn how to knit? I attribute this phenomenon to my celibacy. <br> <br> 9. MASTERY OF PUZZLES- Jigsaw, crossword, cryptograms, or whatever. Somehow I'm an expert. I attribute this to my celibacy. <br> <br> 10. DECLINE OF HUMOR- Suddenly I'm not as funny or as clever as I used to be. I'm no longer on top of my game. My keen observations of the trivialties of life have turned into inane ramblings. I was once sharp, but now I'm dull. I'll consider this a phase, and I will attribute this to my celibacy. <br> <br><br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-15T16:47:19-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/125583198.html The Effects of Celibacy text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/119961951.html Hi. I'm a middle-aged guy who regularly comes into where you work and eats (or drinks coffee) alone. Usually I'll also be reading the paper or working on my computer. <br> <br> As you may have noticed, there are THOUSANDS of me out here. <br> <br> As you've also noticed, we all really want you to like us, because you're pretty and nice and (usually) younger than we are by at least a decade. More often than not, you're also good at your job, so we know intellectually that your niceness is probably more professional than personal. But on some level we desperately want to believe that there's something more going on, that you secretly find us fascinating and attractive and would love to get to know us better. <br> <br> Maybe you do. I'm a nice guy, I have all my hair, I listen to some of the same bands you do, and it's not completely absurd to think that if we were thrown together by circumstance -- a sudden thunderstorm, say, or a terrorist attack -- we would find that we have much in common, and maybe even fall rapturously in love. Anything's possible. <br> <br> And. Yet. Because I respect you and like you, and because I respect and like myself, I have made the following New Year's resolutions, which I invite my fellow middle-aged single straight male diners to join me in observing: <br> <br> 1) I won't expect you to remember my name, my usual order, or my personal history. If you do, that's great, but I will always be aware that you see hundreds of people every day and that I am only one of them. If I see you outside of where you work, I won't assume that you recognize me. <br> <br> 2) I won't use your name except to greet you or get your attention, and I will never use it in conversation with other people to make it sound like I know you better than I do. <br> <br> 3) I won't tell you long stories or indulge in self-serving monologues while you have other customers or prepwork to attend to. <br> <br> 4) I will always tip at least 20 percent, and more if I'm taking up a whole four-top during a rush. <br> <br> 5) I will not make any comments, however complimentary, about your body or your face. I will allow myself to compliment you on beautiful or unusual jewelry or tattoos, or on your hair IF I'm a regular and you have recently changed it in a particularly noticeable way. If I have questions or comments about what's on your T-shirt, I will address them to you while looking directly into your eyes. Having established what's on the shirt, I will not let my gaze linger on it further. <br> <br> 6) I will NEVER, EVER ask you out while you're working. I assume that if you're really interested in me, you'll figure out a way to let me know. But I can leave and you can't, so as far as I'm concerned, you've got the ball. <br> <br> 7) I won't bring you gifts unless we have together clearly created a context for this through many previous conversations, and even then the gift will not be embarrassingly valuable. (E.g., I might bring you a snowglobe from Branson, Missouri, if Branson has become a running joke between us over the course of several weeks or months.) <br> <br> 8) If I do bring you such a gift, I will not read acceptance of said gift as proof that you are harboring deeper feelings for me. <br> <br> 9) I will ask you how you're doing and I will listen to the answer. I will never ask, "Are you in a bad mood?" <br> <br> 10) I won't sit over my third coffee/beer/flan and make sad eyes at you while you're trying to work. <br> <br> 11) I will reserve the right to treasure, deep in the darkest recesses of my ravaged heart, the incandescent possibility that someday we will share a sleeping car on the Orient Express as part of our yearlong trip around the world. But I will never inflict this dazzling vision on you without explicit permission. <br> <br> It's the least I can do for you. You rock. <br> <br> So, guys: Are you with me? Let's make 2006 the best year for interactions between cute waitresses and single straight middle-aged dudes EVER! <br> <br> Full of eggs and wist, <br> <br> A Regular webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-22T13:35:30-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/119961951.html new year's resolutions for the single straight male diner - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/111508160.html because it's fucking pathetic!! <br> <br> <b>lose</b> - the opposite of win, to misplace something, ONE FUCKING O <br> <b>loose</b> - the opposite of tight, your mother/wife/sister, TWO FUCKING O's <br> how can so many people get these two confused? IDIOTS <br> <br> <b>your</b> - a possessive, similar to mine, his, her as in "<i><b>your</b></i> <i><b>loose</b></i> slut of a sister <i><b>lose</b></i>s her mind every time she gets railroaded by <i><b>your</b></i> whole inbred, shitbag excuse of a family", NO FUCKING APOSTROPHE <br> <b>you're</b> - a contraction of "you are", as in "<i><b>you're</b></i> a dipshit", A FUCKING APOSTROPHE <br> <br> <b>its</b> - another possessive, similar to your, NO FUCKING APOSTROPHE <br> <b>it's</b> - a contraction of "it is", as in '<i><b>it's</b></i> fucking simple', A FUCKING APOSTROPHE <br> <br> <u>Need a trick?</u> Fine - when using it's or you're, expand the contraction. If "<i><b>you're</b></i> head is full of shit" becomes "<i><b>you are</b></i> head is full of shit" and doesn't make any sense (maybe it will to you because <i><b>you're</b></i> a fucking idiot), then you are using the wrong word. Queef. <br> <br> <b>to</b> - a preposition, as in "turn <i><b>to</b></i> the right" or "it's time <i><b>to</b></i> go back <i><b>to</b></i> school", ONE FUCKING O <br> <b>too</b> - an adverb (know what that is?), synonymous with "also", "as well" as in "Really? I went to college <i><b>too</b></i>. I actually read a FUCKING BOOK." It can also be used to mean "to a regrettable degree" as in "It's <i><b>too</b></i> late for you, moron", TWO FUCKING O's <br> two - a number, it comes after one <br> <br> <b>there</b> - an adverb, similar to here as in "your tiny bus is over <i><b>there</b></i>" <br> <b>their</b> - yet another possessive, similar to your as in "it's not <i><b>their</b></i> fault that you're a fucking retard. It's YOUR fault." <br> <b>they're</b> - a contraction of "they are" as in "<i><b>they're</b></i> not responsible for your complete ignorance of YOUR OWN FUCKING LANGUAGE. READ A BOOK!!" <br> <br> IT'S NOT FUCKING HARD, DOUCHE BAGS. <br> <br> By the way, grammar is spelled with TWO FUCKING A's. So next time you want to flame someone for bad "grammer", at least spell it right. <br> <br> Fucks. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-15T17:20:08-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/111508160.html why does this piss me off so much? GET IT RIGHT... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/105011536.html I know you've seen them. They're popping up everywhere. You know, those newfangled hubcaps that have the spinning gizmos on them that keep on spinning when the car has stopped? I hate them. <br> <br> I am, uh, y'know, middle aged. Learned to drive back in the early 70's. I'm careful, courteous and I use my turn signal. Boring? Hell, NO! I've simply learned that "nice drivers" live longer. Until now. <br> <br> Somewhere along the line, my brain has taught my slowly degrading eyeballs to subtly monitor the other vehicles with which I am sharing the road. For example, almost subconsciously I sense brake lights several vehicles ahead and anticipate a slow down by removing my foot from the gas pedal. Sense flashing lights in the sideview mirror? The 18-wheeler next to me might be trying to change lanes, so I'll slow down a bit. No real concentration involved -- simply a set of conditioned reflexes related to evasive actions which I've developed over the years behind the wheel. I've always considered them assets. No more. <br> <br> My reflexes have suddenly become deadly foes. All because of spinny hubcaps. <br> <br> You see, my reflexes tell me that WHEN A CAR IS NOT MOVING, ITS WHEELS ARE ALSO NOT MOVING!!!! Conversely, IF THE WHEELS ARE GOING 90MPH, THE FU&*(%$# CAR IS NOT SITTING STILL!!!! WHEELS TURNING = MOVING CAR. Simple. <br> <br> HA! <br> <br> Last week, I was travelling on the service road, through a major freeway intersection. To my left, a U-Turn lane allowed cars from the opposite side to merge with oncoming traffic in my lane. These cars normally yield to such oncoming traffic (i.e., ME). As I proceeded forward, I caught sight of a car to my left failing to yield, and about to barrel into my lane. Instinctively, I veered sharply to my right to avoid being hit (causing the car immediately to my right to veer sharply to ITS right, ad nauseum). Problem was, the offending car HAD yielded. Its hubcaps had not. (My abject apologies to those I almost killed by trying to avoid this near-collision with a stationary vehicle). I don't normally make sudden lane changes without signalling, and I completely understand your desire to curse and wave at me with your middle fingers). <br> <br> Today was the final straw. I was standing on the sidewalk bordering my office building's parking lot. Landscaping bushes behind me and parking spaces in front. Suddenly, and without warning, a vehicle turned sharply into the very parking space adjacent to where I was standing. In a moment of panic, I realized that the car WAS NOT GOING TO STOP. THE WHEELS WERE TURNING TOO FAST! I WOULD BE NAILED! I did what any normal, middle-aged, red-blooded American woman would do when the urges for survival and self-preservation kick in. <br> <br> I jumped head-first into the bushes. <br> <br> There were several people in the parking lot. All they saw was a normal-looking woman suddenly go bug-fucking nuts, scream, and dive into a ligustrum, and come out cursing about hubcaps. <br> <br> So, please, young people with small foreign cars (or sparkly-painted pickups) -- do not buy spinny hubcaps. They are evil and they are scaring innocent old women and making them do stupid things. If you want to drive a "cool" car and get noticed, take a clue from my generation and do something truly revolutionary...... <br> <br> Get Glasspaks!! <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-18T15:31:09-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/105011536.html Die Spinny Hubcap Thingys!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/102982188.html My name’s Matilda, but most of the time my friends call me “Wee.” I just moved back to Austin from Alaska. I’m five years old, with brown eyes, and I’m black. Not exotic, like from the Caribbean or Africa black, Labrador black. Anyway, this is not about me, this is about my Human Companion. <br> <br> She’s really cute, about 5’10’’ with long brown hair. Anyway, I want to tell you about her because I think there are a lot of reasons you should date her: <br> <br> 1. My HC is totally not getting what she needs from girlfriends alone. I mean, of course they are invaluable, but there are obvious areas where girlfriends don’t cut it, and HC’s girlfriends are, well, girly. They’re, like, the sort who watch The Notebook and Must Love Dogs and stuff - hello - gag. But my HC is more the if-something-isn’t-blowing-up-in-the-first-fifteen-minutes-I’m-getting-bored and knows-all-the-lines-in-Super-Troopers type. <br> <br> 2. My HC is totally non-judgmental. I know, you’re like, “this is about you being black, isn’t it?” What is it with you humans and that stuff? Look, it’s important if you have a sucky personality, if you’re forehead-slappingly crackbrained, or if you have rather unfortunate personal hygiene habits, but it’s not important what color you are. Anyway, can you remember where I was before I started ranting? Ah, yes-HC is non-judgmental. See, I have this personal thing. Ok, I’ll say it… I’m a little paunchy in places. But, HC is totally cool with it. In fact, she calls my fatty bits “ploopy,” isn’t that cute? To hear her talk about it, you’d think ploopy was the solution to the world’s problems. I think this is evidence that HC is a highly-evolved life-form. <br> <br> 3. My HC used to have this guy around that I called “dad,” really only because it seemed to make her happy, but really I know he wasn’t my dad. Anyway, the dude didn’t like Sports Center, I mean, is that even legal? She needs dudes who are low-key and not looking for a long-term, let’s talk about our feelings, kind of thing. <br> <br> 4. A girl’s gotta’ eat. I mean, if she tries to pass celery and peanut butter off as a meal one more time, I’m calling someone. I’m not kidding, people, my paw is this close- THIS CLOSE. It’s not like she can’t afford something better, I get high-quality stuff in my bowl, man. And she’s not one of those super-lame, new-diet-every-week, afraid-to-eat girls, either; she’s a healthy eater, maybe even too healthy, if you know what I mean. I think she just needs you to take her to your favorite place and show her how it’s done. <br> <br> 5. Because God is fair. I mean look, yes she got a little too comfortable in her last relationship - what you’re perfect - and yes she isn’t the uber-athlete she used to be, but seriously, man, her boobs are nice. N I C E. And that’s my point, God is fair, you get a big butt, you also get luscious boobs. I seem to recall such things are important to you male-types. Of course, me, I’m a virgin, something about “being a responsible pet owner,” whatever that means…but I digress. <br> <br> 6. My HC is running out of cool hobbies to pick up and I seriously do not want this getting out of control. She already travels, I mean, we DID live in Alaska for crying out loud, and she speaks French from when she lived there forever ago. She takes me hiking all the time, we watch a lot of college football and movies. She likes listening to music, and doesn’t get all pretentious about what is “cool” to like and just digs the scene. She has lots of awesome friends who she hangs out with, so it’s not like she’s moping around longing for a man to “complete” her or something. And she just did her first triathlon-I was so proud of her, she’s an ass kicker. Really what I’m saying here is that I’d like to nip this “solo” thing she has going in the bud, before it starts down the path to crazy-town… ‘cause I hate cats, man, and she’s allergic, so this is a pre-emptive attack type thing… I am stealthy like a ninja… I creep in under cover of darkness using super-spy skills… ok, off vector again. <br> <br> 7. Because honestly, man, I am doing you a favor here. HC is a cool chic who is doing perfectly fine without you in her life, but maybe you’re cool too and just want to eat some meals and have some fun. She’s not prim, so you might even get lucky, who knows. If her history is any indication, once she decides she’s ready, she’ll be back off the market in a snap, so this is really the best time to act, you know, while she’s not really thinking about it too seriously. <br> <br> So anyway, I look forward to meeting you. Don’t tell her I told you all this stuff ‘cause she doesn’t know anything about you yet and it will make her a little self-conscious. If you seem non-skeezy in your email, I can unbury my favorite picture of her and send it to you. Oh, and if I sniff your ass when you come over to pick my HC up, don’t be offended, it’s just my way of saying hello. <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-09T16:01:36-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/102982188.html Please Date My Human Companion text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/99681433.html Stock greeting that doesn't sound stupid - <br> <br> Standard self-introduction including name, age, and gender. Indication that I'm new here and it's been fucking hard to meet people. Ongoing display of false confidence to avoid scaring off the cool people. Tone of playful indifference that masks the bitterness and misery that accompany loneliness. Broad-ranging list of personal interests in an admittedly pathetic attempt to have something in common with you. Haughty and cliched (but genuine) mention of disregard for all mainstream forms of media. Obligatory inclusion of specific cult-classic movie titles and possibly trendy underground rock group names. Deliberate smattering of expletives to offend and filter out uptight cunt-baskets. End of paragraph. <br> <br> Enthusiastic-sounding closing statement that ties everything together and gets to the meat of the issue: that I want to "hang out" with you as soon as possible. Desire to not betray reality and sound too desperate. Realization that even a little cleverness, tact, correct grammar, and spelling ability should be enough to stand out on CL. <br> <br> Postscript (after you thought it was over) conveying a seemingly innocent confusion as to why my picture doesn't display. Smug assurance that no one will realize I used a 1x1 white gif so that "pic" would show up by my post title. Annoyingly familiar statement indicating a trade of pictures is possible. <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-24T11:58:01-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/99681433.html Witty statement or question that attracts your attention text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/96936233.html <b> 1. I’m so tired of the bar scene! </b> <br> Obviously, this has nothing to do with my being tired of drinking beer and staring at your ass, it has to do with the fact that I’m getting too old and drunk to get anyone to come home with me anymore. I’ve also realized that peeling a girl off the bar where she’s passed out is not the best way to meet one with Marriage Material. <br> <br> <b>2. I want an outdoorsy girl!</b> <br> Let’s go hiking, swimming, fishing, running, sailing, canoeing, camping, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skydiving, spelunking, deep-sea diving, and so on until we’re so completely exhausted that we don’t even have the energy to have sex. It will help if we both take steroids. <br> <br> <b>3. Nice guys still exist!</b> <br> Who, me? Just wanting to get into your pants? No way! I’m the “nice guy” that all the girls say they want, but never actually fuck! All you girls just want the "bad boys." I’m so sick of having my hot friends cry on my shoulders about their asshole boyfriends. Why doesn’t anyone ever want me? I’m here! I do exist! Love me! Trust me, I’m the ONLY guy on Craig’s List who isn’t just trying to get into your pants. <br> <br> <b>4. I’m so old fashioned.</b> <br> That’s right—I know all the romantic, decent, passionate ways to get into your pants. I’ll pull out your chair, hold the door open for you, and send you dozens of roses. When I drop you off and give you a polite kiss on the cheek and thank you for a wonderful evening, our eyes will meet and I’ll just know deep inside from that special look in your eyes that soon enough, you’ll be letting me do you up the ass. <br> <br> <b>5. I’ll be your sugar daddy.</b> <br> I’m just some dried-up old creep who will probably make your skin crawl when you touch me, but I work at Dell and I have enough money to woo some pathetic University of Texas co-ed into giving me a hand job every now and then in exchange for a new wardrobe from Urban Outfitters. Shoot me a pic and your PayPal account number. <br> <br> <b>6. I’m scary commitment guy.</b> <br> Aren’t there any women out there who actually want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? Girls always say they want commitment, but then they say no when I propose. On our second date, I expect to have our children’s names picked out. If you can’t handle that, then don’t respond. I’m a REAL man and I want a REAL woman who still believes that REAL love is possible! <br> <br> <b>7. I can use free concert tickets to get laid.</b> <br> I have an extra ticket to see John Mayer, and I don’t have anyone to go with me. More accurately, I’m lonely and I can’t get laid, so I bought an extra ticket so that some freeloading bitch will be my date just to see a free concert. At least let me get to second base; the tickets cost me $65! <br> <br> <b>8. Did you know that shallow assholes can float?</b> <br> We’re a bunch of completely shallow lose