RANT: The Manager's Revenge--An Open Letter
1. First of all, quit fucking asking me for special favors. Every time you want to work bizarre pre-dawn hours, every time you want an extension due to your own inefficiency and laziness, every time you want a 3 hour lunch so you can go to the gym, the hairdresser, the bank, the grocery store, and the goddam Kennedy Space Center, you create more work for me, AND for your FELLOW EMPLOYEES. So just can it, and follow the fucking rules and we'll all just be able to get outta here by 5:00.
2. And don't give me "it's just this once." Just-this-once ALWAYS turns into a couple times a month, and then it's once a week and before you know it, it's every fucking day.
3. Yes, coming in late is a special favor, a big one. I know you think it's "no big deal," but it is: when you show up 10 minutes late, the next guy over feels like it's ok to show up 15 minutes late. Then the next one over feels okay about showing up 20 minutes late. Next thing you know, it's no big deal to show up half an hour late because, well... EVERYONE shows up half an hour late. Then I'm forced to come up with some iron-fisted rule that everyone HAS to be in by 9:00 and I end up looking like the bad guy when you all were the ones too immature to handle a little flexibility. And I wouldn't even give a shit really, except that MY boss is watching ME and as it turns out, he actually expects shit to get done in this department. Imagine that.
4. Quit acting like all those little birthday parties and shit are some God-given right. This isn't fucking Romper Room. Those parties are a PRIVILEGE that I permit because I'm basically a laid back guy. Okay, so we went out for J****'s birthday to that Mexican restaurant around the corner and all you got was a cake in the conference room. So what? Boo-fucking hoo! This isn't daycare! Don't fucking complain to me about what's fair and what's not fair. How 'bout we just cancel ALL parties? How 'bout THAT, huh?? There! Now everyone's equal.
5. I realize that I am a male in a position of authority over you, but please don't work out your weird "daddy" issues on me. I'm sorry if your dad never told you he loved you, I'm sorry if he hit you, I'm sorry if he drank and ran out on you and your mom, but keep that shit at home. Don't come in here and try to weirdly manipulate me into giving you compliments. Don't skulk around my office with your head down just hoping that I'll pat you on the shoulders and say, "there, there little one, it's gonna be alright." Don't look at me all childlike like I'm going to throw a plate of mashed potatoes at you if you dare to disagree with me. And to the boys especially: quit trying to show me how much of a man you are by aggressively challenging me and then turning right around and trying to get my approval. Work that shit out with your DAD.
6. Speaking of which, do not tell me about the dream you had last night in which we were at a water park and I was your dad riding down the water slides with you. Do you have any freakin' clue how much you just revealed to me with that little anecdote of yours?
7. And speaking of trying to impress me, I am NOT impressed when you show up to work sick as a dog. I don't think of you as a hero, I think of you as self-important, germ-ridden social retard. Don't bring that shit in here. Take a damn sick day. Likewise, you are NOT a hero if you stay in the office into the wee hours of the morning to finish some bullshit project that I didn't care that much about to begin with. If I see you do that I will NOT think of you as a hero, I will think of you as pathetic and inefficient and will promptly demote you since obviously you're not cut out to handle the workload in a normal fashion.
8. Don't get pissed off with that "I do all the work; you don't do anything around here" attitude. I'm doing shit you have no clue about. Every time a paycheck gets screwed up--which happens a lot--do you think it just works itself out by magic? Do you think people are just walking in off the street offering their services? No, somebody has to do recruitment. Who do think is keeping track of how much you overspent last year on graphic designers and office supplies? Do you think all those projects are scheduling themselves? No, I'm doing all that shit, in addition to keeping that 20% increase in insurance premiums AWAY from the rank-and-file so that our deductibles are actually going DOWN next year. Do you think the insurance company just walked in and volunteered to lower their rates? Hell no. So no, I'm not going to think through every little detail of your project with you. It's YOUR project, that's what you're paid for. I'm not going to do your job on top of mine.
9. And FYI, I'm not even getting paid that much more than you. I get about 15% more pay and have about a hundred times the headache and responsibility. By contrast MY boss's salary is exactly twice mine, that's 100% higher. So don't cop that "you should do my job too because you make so much more money" attitude. I'm just a dude barely making a living just like you.
10. Finally kids, I can totally tell when you're fucking around on the job! I'm not an idiot. I can tell when you're reading a novel behind your desk (your hands are too close together to be reading, say, a sales report). And I don't care how fast you are, there is not a browser window yet that can close faster than the speed of light, which is how fast the image gets from your screen to my eyes where I can see that you're surfing CNN.com or cuteboys.com or savethelesbianwhales.org or whatever. It doesn't even matter if your monitor is facing away from me, I can see your eyes shoot up to the upper left hand corner of your monitor where you desperately start clicking whenever I walk into your cubicle. DUH!!! YOU'RE MINIMIZING A BROWSER WINDOW. I can tell that. You're probably fucking reading Craig's List right now.
Look, I'm one of the best fucking managers to work with at E*****. Cut me a little slack. You don't like my department? Fine. Go work for R** who will fire your ass the first time you're late coming back from a break. Or maybe you'd prefer J*** who takes fucking roll at 8:00 in the morning, while you're used to sauntering in at half past nine. Or maybe you'd prefer J*****'s department, but if you do, ladies, sharpen up those legal skills, because I'm certain you'll be filing a sexual harrassment lawsuit by the end of the week when he starts making inappropriate comments about your tight blouse. Spend a few days out there; I'm pretty sure you'll be back in my department toot-fucking-suite.
Okay, really, I love you guys. When you actually do work, it's good work. Some of the best in the business. I know what I've got here. But don't push me, okay, because when you come in one day and your desk has been packed up and there's a pink slip taped to your cubicle wall, you too will realize what YOU once had.
this is in or around Somewhere on the corporate ladder