My 9 step plan for the perfect blind date
Are you anxious about your next blind date? Desperate to make an impression on the next potential Mr. Right? Well take it from a guy who knows! Follow my simple "9 Step Plan" (TM) to ensure that your next blind date is as successful as the one I had tonight!
1. Bring a friend...unannounced!
Tip: A great way to start a blind date! Your date will be thrilled when he walks into the bar to meet you and sees you...and your friend! Bringing a friend without asking/informing your date is a great idea. It does NOT send mixed signals and it definitely does NOT create an awkward "third wheel" dynamic. Bonus points if the friend chats incessantly on her cell phone and complains about wanting to go to another bar because the current bar sucks!
2. Dress inappropriately for the place at which you are meeting!
Tip: To really impress your date, wear ultra-tight pants and a mid-rif and cleavage exposing, backless top! Especially if you are meeting in an upscale bar. It will make your date feel extra comfortable to know that every guy in the bar is thinking "I'd like to beat him up and fuck her" and that every girl is thinking "Why did that guy bring a hooker to this bar?"
3. Make sure you are already drunk when your date arrives!
Tip: Is your speech slurred when you first meet your date? No? Well, then you haven't been drinking enough! It's a good idea to meet your date around 10pm, after you have hit Margarita Happy Hour at Taco Milagro and $2 Pint Night at Baker Street. Remember, make sure the unannounced friend is just as drunk as you are!
4. Make sure your date sees ALL of your tattoos in the first 5 minutes...even the one of the butterfly on your right ass cheek!
Tip: Nothing says "classy" like a woman struggling to pull down her ultra-tight pants to give her date (and the bar patrons in the immediate area) an up close view of the intricate needle work on her ass cheek.
5. Grab your date's cock and lick his cheek at some point in the first half hour!
Tip: Show your date that you're a "take charge" kind of girl by awkwardly fondling his junk and licking his cheek as he squirms to get away from you. Don't worry, it's not considered sexual assault unless he files a formal complaint with the police. If he looks uncomfortable, just say "I've never done anything like this before." Umm...never done anything like this before...since yesterday? Right...Penicillin, anyone?
6. Fall to the floor when you get up to use the restroom!
Tip: Remember, before falling down, make sure you blurt out "I've gotta piss." Those three words are the key to every man's heart. For an extra special moment, say this line while performing #5 above.
7. Word to live by: Accessorize!
Tip: You don't have to spend a fortune to properly accessorize. What's that I see? Toilet paper stuck to the back of your pants when you return from the bathroom? Way to think fast! The white TP really matches and accentuates the cigarette butt accessory on your leg that you picked up when you tumbled down to the floor.
8. Invite yourself over to your date's house/apartment!
Tip: Nothing says "I'm selective in choosing my sex partners" like inviting yourself to sleep over at a guy's house after drinking/talking with him for a whole hour. But what about your friend? Oh, don't worry about her, she's already fallen in love with the older (as in 60) gentleman on the other side of the bar!
9. Demand cab fare when your date replies "Fuck no!" to your sleep-over request!
Tip: What?? A man with standards?? How dare he! After all the trouble you went through to show up drunk and make a complete fool of yourself? Well, if he's not going to take you home and fuck you silly, then he at least owes you $20 so you can take a cab to meet someone who will!
That's right ladies, follow this simple "9 Step Plan" (TM) and you WILL make a lasting impression on your next blind date! GURANTEED, OR YOUR MONEY BACK!