Okay. So I'm at work, being bored and hungry. I decided to order a pizza. I order the pizza, wait the 45 minutes and finally the pizza arrrives! (halleluja plays in the background) I sign for the pizza and it's all mine. I take the box. Oh, the glorious smell of Papa John's. How I love thee. I open the box. Hmm. Somethings missing from my pizza. The sausage? No. The tomatoes perhaps? Nope. Maybe...the cheese? What, are you silly? No. No. No. Not sausage or tomatoes or cheese. You know what's missing from my pizza? A WHOLE FUCKING SLICE!!! And I know you're thinking "You've gotta be shitting me" because that's how every single person that has heard about this has reacted. No. I'm not kidding. A whole god-dammed slice was missing from my pizza.
And just in case you don't believe me, here's a re-creation of what I opened my pizza box to find...
So, I do what any red-blood American would do after discovering that their dilectable pseudo-italian concoction had be tampered with: I call the manager of Papa John's.
Pizza Girl #1: Thank you for calling Papa John's. Just to let you know we have a special. Two large pizzas....
Me: I'm calling to complain.
Pizza Girl: Oh? What seems to be the problem.
Me: Well, my pizza got here and there's a slice missing.
Pizza Girl: Are you serious?
Me: As a heart-attack. There's a whole slice...gone.
Pizza Girl starts telling the manager about my situation.
Pizza Girl: She says there's a slice missing from here pizza.
Manager: What? Are you serious.
Pizza Girl: She says she's serious.
The manager starts laughing hysterically.
Manager: Hello, ma'am?
Manager: So, there's a slice *giggle* missing from your pizza? *laughter*
Me: Yes. I got the pizza, opened the box and there was a slice gone.
Manager: Well, how many slices does your pizza have?
Me: *pauses* You've gotta be fucking kidding me...SEVEN! There are seven slices on an EIGHT slice pizza. I am NOT RETARDED.
Okay. I didn't say that, but I sure as hell thought it.
Me: There are 7 slices.
Manager: Oh. Well, umm, I don't...this has never happened before. So, it got there like that?
Me: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY...No. I ate the fucking slice of pizza and was like "oh, wtf. my slice of pizza is gone" Does she think I'm stoned? I don't sound stoned!!! Yes. It got here like that.
Manager: Do you want us to send you another pizza?
Now, this is where it gets tricky. What am I to do? At this point, I'm famished. I need something to eat. Should I wait another 45 minutes for another pizza? Fuck no.
Me: Well, I'm sorta hungry now.
Manager: Well, how about I leave this credit on your account for a free pizza for your next order?
Me: Will it have all eight slices?
Manager: *laughs* Yes, it will have all eight.
Me: Okay. Thanks.
Alright. So, the mystery of the mising slice goes unsolved, but I got a free pizza out of the deal. I'm still wondering WTF happened to the 8th slice on this one. Did some mysterious creature intercept my pizza in-transit, eat a slice, and then put it back in it's box? Did the delivery person eat my slice? Maybe it was the chef. Maybe it was Colonel Mustard in the Library with a candlestick. Damn that Colonel Mustard! Well, to whoever you are, you pizza stealing son-of-a-bitch: SCREW YOU!