best of craigslist > austin > Die Spinny Hubcap Thingys!!
Originally Posted: 2005-10-18 3:31pm

Die Spinny Hubcap Thingys!!

I know you've seen them. They're popping up everywhere. You know, those newfangled hubcaps that have the spinning gizmos on them that keep on spinning when the car has stopped? I hate them.

I am, uh, y'know, middle aged. Learned to drive back in the early 70's. I'm careful, courteous and I use my turn signal. Boring? Hell, NO! I've simply learned that "nice drivers" live longer. Until now.

Somewhere along the line, my brain has taught my slowly degrading eyeballs to subtly monitor the other vehicles with which I am sharing the road. For example, almost subconsciously I sense brake lights several vehicles ahead and anticipate a slow down by removing my foot from the gas pedal. Sense flashing lights in the sideview mirror? The 18-wheeler next to me might be trying to change lanes, so I'll slow down a bit. No real concentration involved -- simply a set of conditioned reflexes related to evasive actions which I've developed over the years behind the wheel. I've always considered them assets. No more.

My reflexes have suddenly become deadly foes. All because of spinny hubcaps.

You see, my reflexes tell me that WHEN A CAR IS NOT MOVING, ITS WHEELS ARE ALSO NOT MOVING!!!! Conversely, IF THE WHEELS ARE GOING 90MPH, THE FU&*(%$# CAR IS NOT SITTING STILL!!!! WHEELS TURNING = MOVING CAR. Simple.

HA!

Last week, I was travelling on the service road, through a major freeway intersection. To my left, a U-Turn lane allowed cars from the opposite side to merge with oncoming traffic in my lane. These cars normally yield to such oncoming traffic (i.e., ME). As I proceeded forward, I caught sight of a car to my left failing to yield, and about to barrel into my lane. Instinctively, I veered sharply to my right to avoid being hit (causing the car immediately to my right to veer sharply to ITS right, ad nauseum). Problem was, the offending car HAD yielded. Its hubcaps had not. (My abject apologies to those I almost killed by trying to avoid this near-collision with a stationary vehicle). I don't normally make sudden lane changes without signalling, and I completely understand your desire to curse and wave at me with your middle fingers).

Today was the final straw. I was standing on the sidewalk bordering my office building's parking lot. Landscaping bushes behind me and parking spaces in front. Suddenly, and without warning, a vehicle turned sharply into the very parking space adjacent to where I was standing. In a moment of panic, I realized that the car WAS NOT GOING TO STOP. THE WHEELS WERE TURNING TOO FAST! I WOULD BE NAILED! I did what any normal, middle-aged, red-blooded American woman would do when the urges for survival and self-preservation kick in.

I jumped head-first into the bushes.

There were several people in the parking lot. All they saw was a normal-looking woman suddenly go bug-fucking nuts, scream, and dive into a ligustrum, and come out cursing about hubcaps.

So, please, young people with small foreign cars (or sparkly-painted pickups) -- do not buy spinny hubcaps. They are evil and they are scaring innocent old women and making them do stupid things. If you want to drive a "cool" car and get noticed, take a clue from my generation and do something truly revolutionary......

Get Glasspaks!!

post id: 105011536

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