Please Date My Human Companion
She’s really cute, about 5’10’’ with long brown hair. Anyway, I want to tell you about her because I think there are a lot of reasons you should date her:
1. My HC is totally not getting what she needs from girlfriends alone. I mean, of course they are invaluable, but there are obvious areas where girlfriends don’t cut it, and HC’s girlfriends are, well, girly. They’re, like, the sort who watch The Notebook and Must Love Dogs and stuff - hello - gag. But my HC is more the if-something-isn’t-blowing-up-in-the-first-fifteen-minutes-I’m-getting-bored and knows-all-the-lines-in-Super-Troopers type.
2. My HC is totally non-judgmental. I know, you’re like, “this is about you being black, isn’t it?” What is it with you humans and that stuff? Look, it’s important if you have a sucky personality, if you’re forehead-slappingly crackbrained, or if you have rather unfortunate personal hygiene habits, but it’s not important what color you are. Anyway, can you remember where I was before I started ranting? Ah, yes-HC is non-judgmental. See, I have this personal thing. Ok, I’ll say it… I’m a little paunchy in places. But, HC is totally cool with it. In fact, she calls my fatty bits “ploopy,” isn’t that cute? To hear her talk about it, you’d think ploopy was the solution to the world’s problems. I think this is evidence that HC is a highly-evolved life-form.
3. My HC used to have this guy around that I called “dad,” really only because it seemed to make her happy, but really I know he wasn’t my dad. Anyway, the dude didn’t like Sports Center, I mean, is that even legal? She needs dudes who are low-key and not looking for a long-term, let’s talk about our feelings, kind of thing.
4. A girl’s gotta’ eat. I mean, if she tries to pass celery and peanut butter off as a meal one more time, I’m calling someone. I’m not kidding, people, my paw is this close- THIS CLOSE. It’s not like she can’t afford something better, I get high-quality stuff in my bowl, man. And she’s not one of those super-lame, new-diet-every-week, afraid-to-eat girls, either; she’s a healthy eater, maybe even too healthy, if you know what I mean. I think she just needs you to take her to your favorite place and show her how it’s done.
5. Because God is fair. I mean look, yes she got a little too comfortable in her last relationship - what you’re perfect - and yes she isn’t the uber-athlete she used to be, but seriously, man, her boobs are nice. N I C E. And that’s my point, God is fair, you get a big butt, you also get luscious boobs. I seem to recall such things are important to you male-types. Of course, me, I’m a virgin, something about “being a responsible pet owner,” whatever that means…but I digress.
6. My HC is running out of cool hobbies to pick up and I seriously do not want this getting out of control. She already travels, I mean, we DID live in Alaska for crying out loud, and she speaks French from when she lived there forever ago. She takes me hiking all the time, we watch a lot of college football and movies. She likes listening to music, and doesn’t get all pretentious about what is “cool” to like and just digs the scene. She has lots of awesome friends who she hangs out with, so it’s not like she’s moping around longing for a man to “complete” her or something. And she just did her first triathlon-I was so proud of her, she’s an ass kicker. Really what I’m saying here is that I’d like to nip this “solo” thing she has going in the bud, before it starts down the path to crazy-town… ‘cause I hate cats, man, and she’s allergic, so this is a pre-emptive attack type thing… I am stealthy like a ninja… I creep in under cover of darkness using super-spy skills… ok, off vector again.
7. Because honestly, man, I am doing you a favor here. HC is a cool chic who is doing perfectly fine without you in her life, but maybe you’re cool too and just want to eat some meals and have some fun. She’s not prim, so you might even get lucky, who knows. If her history is any indication, once she decides she’s ready, she’ll be back off the market in a snap, so this is really the best time to act, you know, while she’s not really thinking about it too seriously.
So anyway, I look forward to meeting you. Don’t tell her I told you all this stuff ‘cause she doesn’t know anything about you yet and it will make her a little self-conscious. If you seem non-skeezy in your email, I can unbury my favorite picture of her and send it to you. Oh, and if I sniff your ass when you come over to pick my HC up, don’t be offended, it’s just my way of saying hello.