Rant: evil, evil digital weight scale
A few days after Christmas, I am in the bathroom doing bathroom stuff after my shower and this little white digital weight scale seemed to be calling to me.... "come on, step right up, you know you want to...you can't ignore me forever."
Now I have to say right here that I am a pretty well-adjusted woman as far as body image is concerned, normal worries about "getting soft", pudgy, gaining weight, but never overly concerned. I am 5'5" ,keep active, try to eat right, my clothes fit, and I never have any trouble attracting at least my share of attention from the opposite sex. And when it comes time to shed clothes for a little sexual activity, never thought twice about ripping said clothes right off.
But let me tell you, once you have given in to the siren call of the evil digital weight scale, your life is forever changed.
I stepped on - the digital numbers came right up - Hey, it works - and I totally FREAKED! OMG - there is NO WAY those numbers are right! I screamed for my boyfriend and he came running, possibly thinking there was a huge spider in the tub - I HATE spiders. He found me standing in shock and horror on the opposite side of the bathroom from the scale - butt naked and pointing at the evil digital weight scale.
Me: "Get on that thing and tell me if it reads your correct weight."
Him: "yep,it is reading correctly."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Me: "It does not work correctly when I get on it"
Me: "YES, REALLY!!"
Him:"Well, step up on here and let's see"
Me: "No Fucking way"
Him: "Then since you're already naked, let's have some happy monkey sex"
Me: "I'm too fat to have sex"
Now, I don't really think I'm fat, my boyfriend does not think I am fat, but this Fucking evil digital weight scale says I weigh too much!!!!! How can this be??
I had not had occasion to weigh myself in about a year - since my last Doctor's appointment. Let me tell you, it's true about a number having power! After the initial shock wore off - and after we went ahead and had that monkey sex - I found myself hopping onto that evil digital weight scale 10 times a day.
1 hour later: 141.3
After Lunch: 142.6
After I peed: 142.3
After we got back from visiting friends: 143.1
2 Hours later: 142.6
Before Dinner: 142.3
After Dinner: 142.8
After peeing and pooping: 142.2
2 hours later: 141.8
After every weigh-in I was either pissed off that the weight went up, or gloating that I had stolen a few ounces from the evil digital weight scale.
Unreasonable, I know, I know. But it started to be this weird competition between me and the EVIL DIGITAL WEIGHT SCALE and I wanted - needed - that number to go DOWN!!!!!
I got up this morning, ran to the bathroom to pee, thinking "okay, you evil digital weight scale, I am going to pee then see what you have to say!"
It was gone! M.I.A.! Imagine my shock! Then Relief! I would not have to be a slave to the evil digital weight scale today!!!
I climbed back in bed and jumped on my boyfriend for some morning sex and afterwards I asked "okay, so where did you put it?" Him: "Not telling".
Me: "I think I love you. Let's go to the gym today."
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