Originally Posted: 2006-03-10 1:36pm
Missed Connection with My Life
I missed the connection with the life I wanted and ended up, due to my own choosing, with a life I don’t recognize. I made bad choices and bad decisions and there’s no one to blame but myself. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we make a decision, realize it’s a mistake then box ourselves in with no good way out? I am half in love and half in hate. From what I read here and in the CE area, there are a lot of other people just like me. Even though my husband can be a jerk, insensitive, and inattentive, he still does not deserve for me to cheat on him. He’s not a mean or cruel person. No one can do anything to “earn” being cheated on, regardless. I cannot rationalize myself into thinking, “if he can’t or won’t give me what I want, no matter how often I tell him of my needs, then I will find it where I can.”
So, I let life get in the way…finances, creeping age, health issues, and breaking hearts. I keep myself boxed in and pretend to myself and others that my life, as it is, is what I want. It’s not. My husband does not know, my family does not know. We look happy, we act happy. I have no good way out without hurting him when he needs me most and loves me. I have no good way out financially. I am where I am because I made the wrong choices and wrong decisions.
Here I sit with a missed connection to my life, the life full of love and not half & half. I missed the connection with romance, feeling butterflies when I see his face or he sees mine, a kiss on the back of my neck when he gets home at night, and the words, “hello, gorgeous.” I missed the connection with loving the way I can and want to love and I did it all to myself. I missed connecting with my life, so I live the life I have. I wish it could be different, but it can’t. I don’t feel sorry for myself, but that does not keep me from wanting to feel the connection. Therein, my fellow Craigslisters, lies the rub---no way into my missed life, no way out of my real life, at least not without hurting someone or being dishonorable. I won’t or can’t do either. Anyway, this was my call out to my missed connection with my life. This is the only way I can express it.
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