It started with "Best Of CL." A friend said some of it was funny. Then I moved on to missed connections. Maybe that girl I was staring at who barely acknowledged my existence was just shy but secretly fell for me and will try to find me on CL. Weeks pass, dozens of women have failed to miss connecting with me, so I post:
"You: Stunningly attractive blonde in your late 20's eating dinner at XXXXXXX with a guy who could kick my ass. You were wearing [insert a creepy number of details here], and also a wedding ring, I think.
Me: Chubby guy eight tables away eating with my parents.
Can't wait to hear from you."
I check my email constantly, but I don't hear from her. Her computer must be broken. I start to peruse the W4M section in search of my soulmate, only to realize that I am not in fact chubby when compared to the manatees who just can't wait for me to fall in love with their three kids, seven cats, and fourteen maxed out credit cards. The craziest thing about these women is that I don't come close to meeting their requirements, which it turns out is probably a good thing, as my newfound addiction to craigslist is increasing my level of desperation.
In order to save myself from some truly tragic decision, I move swiftly to casual encounters. This, after all, must be where the attractive and intelligent women hang out. I quickly learn a few things:
1) Straight guys can get blowjobs with no strings attached at virtually any time of day all over the city, as long as they can convince themselves that they are straight while a guy is blowing them.
2) Any ad in all caps is a fake. This was truly disappointing, as I do have something of a fetish for "MIDDLE EAST LADY DOCTOR"s who cannot spell.
3) Whoever writes fake ads has without a doubt the sweetest job in the world. There seems to be no quality control whatsoever. To rectify this, I propose adding "Fake Sex Ad Writing" as an Olympic event. Wheaties box, here I come.
4) The institution of marriage is significantly less threatened by monogamous gay couples than it is by "generous" married men.
5) The only women on this section who MIGHT be real must have some shit seriously wrong with them.
Why am I writing all this? Because you don't have to travel down this road. I don't know where this will end for me, but I doubt it will be pretty, and it will likely involve the phrase "pre-op." If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky.
A final plea. I think the only way I can break this cycle is to meet women the old fashioned way, by talking to them. So, if you're a really attractive woman and a pretty average looking guy approaches you, but seems shy, let him know it's ok by using some inviting introduction. Here are some suggestions:
"I need a fuckbuddy." "MWF seeks anal worship." or the ever popular "GANGBANG! (400/Mansell)"
Just a thought. Finally, a question for people who post their pictures, especially erotic pictures, on CL. Clearly, you think your odds of getting laid are highest if you include both your face and your exposed genitals. While for some of you I am certain this is not the case, even for those for whom it is, isn't it kind of a gamble that someone you know will see you, for instance your wife, or mother, or gay uncle, or kid you babysit, or your parole officer? That's a missed connection I wouldn't want to be found.